I can relate to parts of your sitch very well. My bf is an alcoholic, and was getting drunk every night for the first two years of our R. The sex was never great, and I was always the initiator. When I first joined this board, everyone asked me the same question: "why are you still in it?" We didn't have kids, and we still have our own houses. The "why" question isn't an easy one; I still ask myself that pretty much every day. For the people on this board who have been SS for years, have kids, houses together, and religious convictions that prohibit divorce, people like us who don't even have a piece of paper holding us in a SS relationship must seem very hard to understand indeed.
You said this:
Quote: I feel like once you get to the point where you have to talk about all this crap, that there's really no going back. That everything, past this point, is orchestrated, fake, forced, or whatever. When we do have sex, though, he's totally into it, will touch me, everywhere, have oral, lots of foreplay -- so that's good.
I disagree with the first part of this statement. I mean, I AGREE that I feel that way, too, that talking over all of this stuff ad nauseam only to see slight improvement and feeling like the sex thing will always be an issue FEELS all wrong. But some on this board have had success with continuing to keep the lines of communication open. I do believe that in every R, you "hit the wall" at some point over some issue: children, in-laws, money, something that makes you ask why you stay. And I do believe that communication-- real communication, not just having the same Talk over and over again-- is the only way past these obstacles.
What "comes after" true communication isn't forced or faked if you two have truly connected. If one of you is just placating the other, then yes, that phony lovey stuff just to you get you off their back is cr@p.
As for the second part of the statement, I wish I could say that when we do have sex, it's great, or even good... my bf has major ED problems, made worse by blood pressure meds, job issues, mother issues, money issues, and an almost school-marm-ish prudery. It sounds like if you could increase the frequency, there isn't a problem with the quality of the encounters.
I will refer you to a board called www.soberrecovery.com where you can get info and support about the alcoholism part of the equation. In the message board section, there's a place for friends and families of alcoholics. Also I recommend attending alanon meetings. They're free (except for a small voluntary donation), and you don't need to say a word to get something out of the meeting. When my bf's drinking was at its worst, I was going three or more times a week and I got something good out of every single meeting even though I never said one word out loud.
Oh, I should mention that my bf stopped all alcohol use over a year ago after having quad bypass surgery, but the sex sitch has not improved. If anything, we had more sex when he drank. I don't think he's ever had a sexual relationship when he was sober. His ex-wife drank and drugged together through 25 years. He recently stopped smoking, too, and now he's seeing clearly what a mess he is. Also as wdiftya pointed out there are physical ramifications to long term alcohol abuse (and smoking), too. I frankly don't know if the sitch will ever improve, but right now I've decided not to make any moves until his daughters graduate from high school in 2006. I don't want to put them through another break-up.
As for why a person stays... I think if you're still asking the question, it's not time to leave yet. In past R's, when it was time to go, I knew without a doubt.
For the people on this board who have been SS for years, have kids, houses together, and religious convictions that prohibit divorce, people like us who don't even have a piece of paper holding us in a SS relationship must seem very hard to understand indeed. 