My thoughts exactly. And if he still comes up with an excuse, maybe cut back your hours, explaining to him that if he isn't going to help out around the house, you need to work less to have the time to do it all. Take away the 'luxuries' he has been given until he straightens out.
Quote: And if he still comes up with an excuse, maybe cut back your hours, explaining to him that if he isn't going to help out around the house, you need to work less to have the time to do it all. Take away the 'luxuries' he has been given until he straightens out
Sorry GGB, but IMO, Cally SHOULD NOT DO THIS! A better move would be to hire a cleaning person and take away the "luxuries". Cally needs to feel like she is not financially dependent on her H in order to take a strong stand, especially since she has children.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
JJ, you have a point there. I hadn't considered the financial side of it to her. What I was trying to get at was she needs to pull him out of his comfort zone by taking away some of the things he takes for granted.
Okay reporting..I gave him a piece of paper and pencil and asked him to make a list of cleaning supplies that would be adequate for him.....he wrote nothing.
I guess he thought if he did then he would have to actually do that cleaning job in the house from time to time. ARGH!
I was also thinking I think I am doomed to be with the man my husband is today. He has changed so much. He is rarely happy. One thing I do know is he does love his children so much. He has been a great dad. Never balked at changing a diaper or giving a bath or fixing a booboo. He has raised my older daughter since she was two and he loves her like his other two children. Really there is no difference in the attention the children get. My older daughter is his baby. That really is something that warms my heart. Her bio dad my ex husband is a piece of crap dad. She doesn't hurt to much because of it because she has her daddy at her side every day.
But even though I know he loves them and they are his life, he doesn't even have patience for them anymore. He is not hitting them or things like that. Just yelling a whole lot and very limited patience. Always grumpy I guess you could say. But when I look at my husband he has changed into his father there is no doubt about it. If I would have known his dad well before marriage and seen any resemblance in my husband I would not have married him. His father is bitter and mean and degrades people. He comes out and tells my husband he is fat or asks when he is having the baby. Now mind you his father is 50 pounds over weight himself! I have seen my husband do something like fixing something with his dad and his dad blows up. Not screaming just really sarcastic. I am a hot head if it was my dad I would have told him to stick it if he was going to talk to me like that.LOL His dad is very cold and distant and never shows much love or affection to his wife or his children. There has never been and I love you that I have ever heard or a hug. And his father always and this is always thinks he is right and is justiied. He has a low opinion of women and qoutes biblical stuff all the time. Like man being the head of household. Now my husband is not as bad as his father. But he is heading in that direction and fast. Like not being caring if I hurt or not. Thinking he is justified in everything he does, And above all thinks he doesn't have to appologize for anything.
Lately if the kid's get hurt he is like it don't hurt that bad. I go to the extreme and baby them when they get hurt. But it ticks me off when he constantly calls our son a girl whenever he expresses emotion. I told him I don't want our son to grow up like you!
I have to say that the fact that my H is a good father is probably the strongest bond in our marriage also. Though he does have a side to his personality that our kids don't appreciate either. The topic of my SIL who is an extremely temperamental, high-maintenance type came up when I was in the car with my kids yesterday. My son made the comment "Aunt M is like Cranky Dad all the time". Also, my daughter once told me that the reason she spends more time at her friends houses than they spend at our house is she is afraid it would "bother" my H to have kids hanging around a lot.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
While I was out working Friday night my husband decided to go out with the kid's to a friend's. To make a long story short. Two things really ticked me off. I have a don't cross the line rule ZI have had since I had children. Don't EVER drink and drive with children with you. I feel you shouldn't drink and drive at all. But with innocent children..no way. My husband knows this and in fact we had a fight just the other week about it. He told me he only had a beer and then 3 hours had passed. My point I don't give a [censored] don't ever drink and drive with our children again!! Find a babysitter or go out when I am at home. So I get home and he is not here or the kid's. I go to the friend's home after working 8 hours and it's late and pick up my children from there. But let me back up I was also angry because he did not do one thing in the house while I was at work yet again. Another fight we have been having since I started working. My husband thinks it is beneath him to have to do housework. But yet HE wants me to work fulltime and have the benefit of my income but yet refuses to help. Well, let me restate that. He WILL vaccuum and fold what laundry is left in the dryer. But we all know there is so much more to run a household inside and out. So on this night he couldn't even cook dinner yet again he had to get them take out, do nothing in the house and then be drinking over there. I was fuming! I picked them up and let him know not to come home tonight. His response F you. I said don't even push me I mean it. Of course he tried to push it and came home at 5:00 a.m stumbling drunk. I told him he was not welcome and to leave or I would force the issue of him leaving. I felt I had to stand my ground. He never listens to anything I say. He left and came home the next day. I again told him to leave. He said he wasn't going anywhere until he found a place. I said nope you are going now and then you will have to look for a place that much faster. I told him he had already been warned that if he drinks and drives with our children then it is over, also had the same warning about dating sites. I told him I was just tired of it and wore down. That I was standing up for myself and wasn't going to tolerate this kind of behavior from him. He was refusing to leave so I phoned in some help from his dad. His dad got him on the phone and he left. So today makes the 3rd night that he will not be here. I feel kind of torn. I feel such relief and and like chains have been liften and a heavy burden off my shoulders. But on the other hand I do love him. I just don't love this man. My husband has changed a lot. The man I see today is not the man I married. Maybe he has depression or something. Even his best friend said what happened to him.
He does carry a HUGE chip on his shoulder from his ex wife. But ya know what I finally had this thought...I was not responsible for that chip being there. I sure the heck am not going to be punished for the rest of our married life for it.
Maybe he will see that he lost everything he had. But on the other hand maybe with his current frame of mind and selfish attitude he just won't care and thinks HE is justified to be ticked off.
(((((((((((((((((((CALLY)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) You are being very strong and that is great. I think you are doing the right thing here. There are lines that have been drawn, and if you let H trample those lines, he will then start trampling you too.
I am very sorry to hear that things have progressed this way. Maybe H will get a slap of reality across his cheek, and that will knock the fog out of his head.
Don't cave, keep that spine straight! I hope you are handling this okay. I know how hard it is to face this sort of thing, and how easy it is to avoid conflict and stay with the status quo.
It sounds like your H's resentment and entitlment may come to a screeching halt shortly, after he sees that you are very serious.
cally, I really feel for you... this is such a tough spot to be in. But look at it this way: he must be allowed to face the consequences of his actions. If you keep making it okay, he never will. And until he does, he will keep doing what he is doing. When you start to waffle, think of him driving while impaired with your kids in the car and draw strength from that.
Go to alanon. It will help, even if you never say a word out loud. These are people who understand your life and you'll know that as soon as you sit down in a meeting. Some meetings have child care, if that's an issue. Go. Don't wait.
Also visit this BB- www.soberrecovery.com and post your story there. The upper right corner of the page has a link that says "community." When you get to community, scroll down to "friends and family of alcoholics."
What you will learn in alanon is to detach. There are also some great detachment tips at the soberrecover link. If you keep getting into it with him, then you are the bad guy and you are what he is fighting. He can come up with all kinds of reasons that he doesn't want you to control him or ream him out or tell him what to do. That's why you must remove yourself from the conflict. Then it becomes between him and the booze. You have to get out of the ring and let him battle with himself.
This isn't about you being controlling or unreasonable-- it's about your children's safety. Getting him to leave was so hard... love has nothing to do with it. You can love him and still not want him around when he's drunk. You can love him and still refuse to let him drive your kids around. You can love him and still not want to live with him.
(I may have said some of this before... don't mean to sound like a broken record.)
Edited to add:
Remember: he will not stop drinking because you tell him to or ask him to. He will only stop drinking (or change) when the consequences to him are bad enough. You will deliver some of those consequences, but most of them he will create for himself. The battle is between him and himself. Keep this in mind: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it (his drinking, that is).
Lillie....See here is the thing. I really don't think my husband is an alcoholic. I was raised in a home with an alcoholic parent so am very familiar with it. I have been with my husband for 12 years. he never does drink that much. In the 12 years I haven't seen him severely intoxicated like he was the other night. For him I think it is a control thing. Like F you because you told me I can't go out and have a drink. So I will and show you that I will not be controlled by anyone. He is like this about many things. Heck that may even be why his drive is low. Because it is something I am trying to control. It is something that bothers me and something that I call him on the carpet for constantly.
Grrrrr tonight he did come over to bring our daughter her medication that 3as left in his car. He has been here for like 6 hours and even just ate dinner with us. Our daughters are having a hard time with this. So I hate to say leave when I know the kid's want to visit with him. But I don't want him to get the impression that things are okay and he can just come home. I want to stand my ground with this. Even if it means we do divorce. For right now I am hoping the seperation may show him how much he is going to miss. That just maybe he will turn himself around.
She doesn't hurt to much because of it because she has her daddy at her side every day.
Now mind you his father is 50 pounds over weight himself! 