I have tried and my heart is broke.....

[ValerieA]

Hey, cally. I was trying to say the same as NOPkins, but he was much more thorough .

I also remember from your first post to me how you said you felt like you could post in many of the forums here. To me, that says there are definitely more issues in your M other than . I also came across another thread where you posted you felt your M was close to the end.

Have you read The Five Love Languages (5LL) by Dr. Gary Chapman? It could be helpful with improving the communication between you and H. If you read the book, you can figure out his LL (if you don't already know it) and begin "communicating" with him by using it. Hopefully after some time, H will reciprocate in your LL which seems to be Physical Touch (???).

Above all, try to be more positive and cheery around H. Yes, you're hurting and you're angry with what's happened, but being angry and placing blame on him isn't going to get you anywhere. It's not going to get you what you want, right?

We're all pulling for you, cally! ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

JV

BTW, I'd like to add that in my sitch, I wasn't happy either with the frequency of or lack thereof, but that wasn't the real problem. When I found out about H's EA, I thought THAT was the problem, but I have come to realize that the EA was only a symptom of the REAL problems between us.

The real issues in your R need to be addressed. I'm not saying that an A is going to happen. I'm just trying to say that you need to work on whatever the issues may be before things take a turn for the worse.

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[NOPkins]

JVJKB wrote:
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Hey, cally. I was trying to say the same as NOPkins, but he was much more thorough
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Your post was just fine. Don't sell yourself short. Even slightly different points of view and perspective are very important here.

No one here, especially me, has all the answers.

All the best,
-NOPkins-

[cally]

Have you read The Five Love Languages (5LL) by Dr. Gary Chapman? It could be helpful with improving the communication between you and H. If you read the book, you can figure out his LL (if you don't already know it) and begin "communicating" with him by using it. Hopefully after some time, H will reciprocate in your LL which seems to be Physical Touch (???).

I haven't read it but I do plan on getting it. Thanks for the tip. I do think my love language is physical touch.

Above all, try to be more positive and cheery around H. Yes, you're hurting and you're angry with what's happened, but being angry and placing blame on him isn't going to get you anywhere. It's not going to get you what you want, right?

This will be the hardest thing to do. But I will try my hardest. I am the kind of person who can't stand when someone does something and thinks they never have to say sorry or take accountability for their actions. I think it was all in the way I grew up and the interactions I seen between my parents that drove me to be this way.

but I have come to realize that the EA was only a symptom of the REAL problems between us.

What do you think are the real problems? Do you think the problems led to the infrequency..is that what you are saying?

[cally]

If you remember in my sitch, I talked to H a couple of weeks ago about my feelings of the way his actions were effecting me. I never blew up even when I felt like H was trying to turn something into being my fault. I never said, "I feel (this way) because of YOU!" or "If YOU would stop this, blah blah blah!" I didn't attack him in any way, and by doing that, my H felt "safe" to share his feelings with me.

Again JV I will try. I think with you that is a very positive thing about your situation. Your husband sems like he can communicate very well. He seems like he likes you to be open and share what you are feeling and vice versa. That is one of the worst things about my situation and the very reason I feel we are where we are today. Because he can't communicate at all. He hides from things. His father is the same way so I can only guess that is all he knows because he was raised in the same house as his dad. Example.....HIs dad always has to act cool as a cucumber. Like nothing is wrong and he don't need anyone and downplay everything. H's mom was hospitalized for a serios life threatening thing. They were removing some of the pressure from her brain so that they could operate hopefully in a 24 hour period. We could have lost her at any point. She was extremely critical. H's dad was like no big deal she is going to be fine. He never once showed fear or leaned on anyone for support or asked anything from anyone. In fact even after she came home it's like he still down played it. She shouldn't have been left home alone because now she had short term memory loss for awhile. Well, he did leave her at home and she fell outside because she decided to go for a walk and got weak. We had to get nasty and were like she is serious if you need to go out call us and we will stay with her. Now he loves her I know that and didn't mean harm by running his errand that day. But it's like he refused to ask anyone for help or have to admit that things with her were still serious.
There are many examples I could mention about his father. One thing for certain that I can say is I see the same traits in my husband that are in his dad. If I would have known my husbands dad as well and seen the same traits in my husband I would not have married him.
LOL okay I tangent I got off on.....The reason I mention this I don't think my husband will ever open up. I don't think there can be any communication between us with his father like mentality.

Now, maybe I'm wrong here, but I think your H might be questioning HIS trust issues with YOU.

After hearing your comment about not being sexually satisfied (quantity) and seeing how you have a SECRET password on the computer, I can see how H MIGHT be wondering about your activities.

I'm sure you have valid reasons for having your own private password, but this just reminds me of the sharing you were telling me about on my thread . My H is still a bit secretive when it comes to his cell, but we share the computer. We have different passwords, but we know what they are.

I just created a simple screen name. My kiddos have one. We have this main one. And then I made another one for me. I use for it here and basically that's it. I mainly use the main one. Now I have nothing to hide. He could look at it it wouldn't bother me. But he never said anything to me about it until the other day. What really pisses me off is he mentions it in the angry text that I have all this privacy. But when I bring up well I didn't know you were bothered by it he is quick to chime in with, " I'm not bothered by it. I could give a crap."
Clearly to me it does bother him or why would he mention it? But he has this mentality to never admit hurt? I don't know what it is/ Confuses the heck out of me to be honest/ If I am unnerved about something.....I say it.

I am sure he don't find me attractive when I am crabby. LOL But here is where I am at a complete loss. He don't when I am in the best of moods and sweet as pie either??? He don't when I am thin or heavier?? He don't when I am sad either. He don't when I am aggresive either. See I guess this is where I justofy my anger when it lashes out nasty at him. That it don'tmatter I will act how I am feeling because things will never change anyway. Might as well let him know some of the true feelings going around in my head. I know I need to change that big time.

[cally]

When you confront your husband, you want to do that from a place that makes him feel 'safe'. He is not going to listen to you if you bang him upside the head with a book (speaking figuratively). He is not going to listen when you get 'nasty' with him.

Nop...point well taken. I will think about this often. I am going to try approaching him again using this way instead.

Thanks for the advice and the belief in me that I can do this.

I realize I must love him. Because today I am reflecting as it is my b-day today.....I can remember saying on my 29th b-day, man I am getting to old to be in a marriage like this. I need to get out while I am young if this isn't going to work. Here I am on my 34 th thinking wow now I am 34 years old and still in this SSM.

[ValerieA]

Hi, cally.

This will be the hardest thing to do. But I will try my hardest. I am the kind of person who can't stand when someone does something and thinks they never have to say sorry or take accountability for their actions.

No way??!! LOL!!

Sorry, hon, I'm just kidding around! But I could sense that from your posts on my thread when you vent about my H !

Seriously though, yes, everyone needs to be accountable for their actions. Your H does and so do you. You can't control him, but you CAN control YOU. You need to work on changing your behavior and attitude towards H. You know this.

Think of a time when things went wrong between you and H. What was said? What was done? What happened to make things go bad? How did you contribute to it? I'm sure you'll find something and think, "Maybe I shouldn't have done/said that." When you figure out what it is that you're doing wrong, that's what you need to stop. That's what you need to change.

It's hard work and it takes time, but the more positive and loving you are to H, the more likely he will open up to you.

What do you think are the real problems? Do you think the problems led to the infrequency..is that what you are saying?

Well, I'm no expert, but yes, I believe that's it.

You know my sitch so I don't want to go into great detail here, but I think the biggest issues for us were my H's expectations, the resentment that built up inside of him when those expectations weren't met, and of course, the depression and enormous amount of guilt he has for what he's done. So....it's going to be awhile before our life is back to where it used to be a year and a half ago. When it does happen, it's still great, but it doesn't happen as often as I'd like. Plus you have to factor in H's traveling for work all the time , but it looks like that won't be going on much longer.

Be strong, cally. You can make it through this.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[cally]

I let him know yesterday through a letter before work that I did want to get seperated. I asked again that he move out. The reason for the letter was that I didn't see him yesterday as we are working opposite shifts right now. But I made it clear that I thought I just couldn't do this anymore. My b-day reminded me of just another year gone by and not much has changed. I want to find someone that could be able to fullfill all my needs, and I wanted the person that I am with to feel happy that I am willing to fullfill all their needs also.

Nut sure if he is taking it seriously. Seems he is just acting a jerk instead of a man who is about to lose everything. He went out gallavanting all day while I was at work. He couldn't do a thing around the house to work while I am working more hours then him. He couldn't even cook the kiddos the meal I left out ready to cook. He had to take them to McD's. Oh and he created him a screen name on the computer and erased all the e-mails and his account I had saved on the computer for the dating site. I had it saved under H cheating folder. I'm a little mad about that because I did tend to use that if this comes to a divorce.

[Greeneyedlass]

Cally...I'm sorry to hear things have taken this turn for you.

If you intended to use the info in that file you created...why did you leave it sitting there on the computer for him to see? Why didn't you save it to a cd or floppy disc? IMO leaving it there as you did....just tempted him to erase it. Did you honestly think he wouldn't do that?

My advice, if you find anymore stuff on the computer save it to a floppy or CD and keep it somewhere safe.

GEL

[ValerieA]

cally, how are you?

I'm very sorry to hear about this. I know it's a few days later now, but are you sure this is what you really want? Have you taken any time to really think things through?

I doubt my M sometimes, too, but I have noticed that the only times I doubt it is when I'm very emotional (angry, frustrated, confused, insecure, etc). Then after I calm down, I realize there are far more positives than negatives in the R. It has taken a lot of hard work in ME to get it here, and it's still a work in progress.

cally, if you do still love your H and want to be with him, I would definitely think about getting 5LL and maybe even DR -- great M tools, IMO.

Please think about this and take care of yourself. (((((((HUGS)))))))

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[cally]

Green,

I know stupid to leave it there. But he really is a man that is hardly on this computer at all. He is not computer savy at all. But I was able to retrieve the e-mails back. I just went to his screen name.


JV....I do love him. But I am ready to be hapy again. To be fulfilled again. The way I feel is that if I do divorce I will never get maried again. For eight years it has been this way. When I get a slap in the face like what happened with the dating site it just eats at me and infuriates the heck out of me. In my opinion if that is what he wants he can go get it. Another thing to is, you can't begin to forgive someone who doesn't even offer a heart felt appology or even admit what they did was wrong. So to me there is nothing to build off from this situation.

As far as if I have thought it through and would be ready to follow through...I really have thought hard. I am ready to follow through with exactly what I told him. I am even ready for me to move out of the home with our children. Which before I felt he should move because it's only him. But like last week I asked him toi go and he wouldn't.

I was very angry sat. at him and let him know. After many words he said fine if what I did hurt your feelings I am sorry. It was only meant to get your goat and nothing was meant other than that. I told him again it was rude, heartless and direspectful. I also told him that I am tired of asking him to leave and he completely ignores it. I told him I am at a loss at what to do because nothing I say matters. I then told him I have never been one for ultimatums and have never issued an ultimatum. But I told him our anniversary is coming up in a couple weeks. I told him if he didn't seek medical help or therapy to find out what his problem was then I was out of here. I told him this had to happen by our anniversary. Or we wouldn't have another anniversary. I was going to leave. I asked him if he understood and he said yes. So now I will just wait and see. If he doesn't then I am prepared to follow through.