There is a difference between confront and control.
First off, you can't control his actions. That should be made obvious since he is doing the very thing that he knows you don't like.
Do you remember us talking about desperate/controlling/grabby/needy behaviors on this forum, and how it alienates or pushes the spouse away from us rather than drawing them back?
When you confront your husband, you want to do that from a place that makes him feel 'safe'. He is not going to listen to you if you bang him upside the head with a book (speaking figuratively). He is not going to listen when you get 'nasty' with him.
Here are two examples of confrontation.
1)"You sum-beach, I have told you how your looking at that crap bothers me!! You've got to stop or else!! I want your passwords right now. Etc....."
2)"Hubby, I would like to discuss something with you right now if you can, and if not, I would like to talk to you about something important to me at dinner..... Your viewing of porn on your computer, and what appears to me to be clandestine activities with potential partners outside of our marriage is really hurting my feelings, and causing me to doubt your ability to remain faithful in our marriage. I would really like for us to work on this problem as a couple. As a first step, would you be willing to exchange passwords on all our accounts, and agree that neither of us will keep any secrets from each other any more? Here is a list of my passwords. I love you, and I believe that we can get through this."
Which example will come closer to resolving the issues?
Secrecy in a marriage is often a sign of an underlying problem.
The point is that trust has to start somewhere. You can't build trust on secrecy. The more open and honest you both are, the better you will be able to face your marital issues, but it will take both of you working at it.
As to the fighting and crabby behavior, you have to deal with that yourself. Stop fighting. Calmly state your concerns and issues. If he baits you into a fight, don't take the bait. Walk away if you need to. Calmly return to the discussion when you have cooled down. Keep working at it until you have BOTH reached an agreeable solution, and a plan of action.
Stopping a fight, is not avoiding conflict, repeatedly avoiding reaching a solution to a problem, is.
One of you has to be the responsible one in the relationship. Since you are here, seeking a solution, you are elected.
As long as you act irresponsibly toward your husband, you will gain little ground.
You can do this, cally.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
