Let me tell you what I suspect. I think that he is throwing you off the trail by being overly obvious.
He has over-played his hand. He is doing more than the action he obviously let you 'catch' him at. He probably thinks that you took his rather childishly simple legerdemain to the point that Houdini would have been proud.
In any case, that level of manipulation indicates a complete lack of respect for you.
One thing for certain, he is feeding his sense of entitlement, some of that at your expense.
Snoop deeper.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: "IF" he did intend it as some cruel joke...then that's exactly what it was, intentionally cruel, intentionally mean, and out of line. But my gut says it was no joke. He put it out there....he will get bites off of it from OW and he darned well knows it. But now he can use this "it was just a joke when I signed up" to playdown when W do contact him. If I were you....I wouldn't fall for this.
IMPO...he's crossing a line and he's expecting you to be ok w/it because now he can blame you of "checking up on him"...so he did it because he knew you'd be checking....just to check if your checking...know what I mean? All the while taking the focus off of the real problem between the two of you.
GEL
Green I agree with you. I think it was mean and way out of line. I honestly don't know what happened to my husband. Sometimes I see him come out. But this is NOT the way he use to be.
I see what you are saying...but I suspect that if he should show up and he sees her there...he's going to feel trapped and caught. But, you never know the other might happen.
But how would you feel if you were in her shoes and your spouse showed up, not knowing it was you who would be there. IMO there would still be a BIG problem.
I am thinking if I showed up for one he would be crapping his pants. Also agree he should and would feel trapped. But deep down if I showed up and he was there waiting on what he thought was another woman..I would be ticked off and soooo hurt.
Quote: In any case, that level of manipulation indicates a complete lack of respect for you.
One thing for certain, he is feeding his sense of entitlement, some of that at your expense.
Snoop deeper.
A complete lack of respect..I agree 100%.
Nop to be honest I really don't think he is cheating. Anything is possible. If he was it would have to be in the parking lot at work and they are not allowed to go out to their cars during their shift. But he comes home every day right after work. Also he never goes out. And then sometimes on the rare occasion that he does go out he takes our children to a friend of ours house. Well, it is a couple we know and they have children. Now hmmm do I think he is capable of cheating do to the things he is doing ....yes. That really bothers me.
I really think it's possible that he's just "playing" at having an affair because, really, he's afraid that you are going to have an affair. He's afraid of being hurt in that way so he's hurting you in retaliation for a crime you've only committed in his mind. The fact that you have expressed dissatisfaction with him sexually, implies that if he doesn't shape up you will eventually have sex with another man. Don't get me wrong, I think you are right to take this stand because this is honestly how you feel. I feel the same way myself, but in both of our cases this leaves us with the following paradox. If we aren't willing to leave in order to seek sexual satisfaction, we are always on some level subject to our H's whim on the matter. If we are willing to leave, then our H's can tell themselves something along the line of "Why should I want to have sex with her? She is the kind of woman who would leave a man just because she wasn't getting enough sex" and this thought process can justify the sort of behavior your H is exhibiting. IMO, the only way out is through. This weekend I told my H "Yes, I really do love you and, yes, I really will leave you in order to have a decent sex life. Both things are true.". I also said "Please feel free to find a nice woman who does not want to have sex with you if that is what you want.". The only way around the Madonna/Whore Catch 22 is the Madonna/Whore Catch 22. If a guy only wants to have sex with women who don't want to have sex with him then he's pretty much limiting his sex life to fantasy or the hell that the HD men on this BB experience.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
quote: ----------- Nop to be honest I really don't think he is cheating. Anything is possible. If he was it would have to be in the parking lot at work and they are not allowed to go out to their cars during their shift. -----------
He may not be, but workplace affairs are the most common. If there are no other indications, then JJ may be right. Either way, you are going to have to confront him regarding his actions.
I still think that you need to have a really good snoop, and once you are satisfied one way or the other, you need to confront him regarding his actions. Whether he is having an affair or hurting you on purpose, he is doing damage to you, and he needs to stop it, or you need to remove yourself from it.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Nop.....great advice I will snoop around. Because seeing something like what he had posted on that site makes me not trust him. I am fairly confident that he is not having an affair. So I guess I just don't understand his actions. They confuse me to no end.
I have confronted his actions. I have been down right ill and nasty towards him. It didn't start off that way. But when he couldn't even appologize or act remoreseful or even admit it was hurtful, well, it saddened me and angered me to no end. I have told him his actions showed a total lack of respect. I told him it was a mean and hurtful thing to do. He still stands by it was only a joke to get my goat. He knew it was the screen name we both used. He said don't you think if I was serious I would have tried to hide it in some way.
My husband IS NOT a communicator at all. I really don't know if he hoped my reaction would have been different. Like as in a oh your horny well lets go. But truth is to read it ticked me off.
He made this comment about him being the only one in the house to not have any privacy. That he can't even get on the computer without being watched over. But I found this interesting right after that he brought up how I have my secret screen name that nobody can get on because it's a secret password. So I guess he has tried to get on. So I said well I guess it must bother you and that's why your mentioning it. He said really fast to defend no it don't bother me I'm just making a point you have privacy and I am the only one who don't.
To me this clearly must bother him and he is wondering what I am doing on that screen name. I know he would never mention it. Because of a past comment I made once when he made a comment about insecurity. I said I am sorry you feel insecure because you know you don't satisfy me sexually. I know I know bad thing to say. He knows he satisfies me in quality every time. It is just quantity and him showing desire.
He avoids the topis of sex like the plague. So if things bothered him I don't think he would express them.
We have been fighting like crazy. I have been so hurt and crabby. I quit smoking almost 4 weeks ago and I am sure that has added to it also. I told him yesterday because of course there was no sex this weekend. So it's going on two weeks. When he did agree to two times a week. But I told him get use to it this is me with no sex and no smoking. He said go but a pack of cigarettes. And I of course shot back with a mean comment about why you can't step up to the plate on the other.
Quote: I have confronted his actions. I have been down right ill and nasty towards him. It didn't start off that way. But when he couldn't even appologize or act remoreseful or even admit it was hurtful, well, it saddened me and angered me to no end.
If you want answers, you're not going to get them by acting this way. The nastier you are to H, the more defensive he will continue to be.
cally, I have acted that way in the past with my H. After reading DR and stopping that kind of behavior, I find that my H is much more open with me.
If you remember in my sitch, I talked to H a couple of weeks ago about my feelings of the way his actions were effecting me. I never blew up even when I felt like H was trying to turn something into being my fault. I never said, "I feel (this way) because of YOU!" or "If YOU would stop this, blah blah blah!" I didn't attack him in any way, and by doing that, my H felt "safe" to share his feelings with me.
I'm not saying this will help you, but maybe try to consider this some? I know you're hurt and angry with your H, but if you're trying to communicate with him, you have to be much more caring and gentle with him.
Quote: ... Because seeing something like what he had posted on that site makes me not trust him... He made this comment about him being the only one in the house to not have any privacy. That he can't even get on the computer without being watched over. But I found this interesting right after that he brought up how I have my secret screen name that nobody can get on because it's a secret password. So I guess he has tried to get on... Because of a past comment I made once when he made a comment about insecurity. I said I am sorry you feel insecure because you know you don't satisfy me sexually.
Now, maybe I'm wrong here, but I think your H might be questioning HIS trust issues with YOU.
After hearing your comment about not being sexually satisfied (quantity) and seeing how you have a SECRET password on the computer, I can see how H MIGHT be wondering about your activities.
I'm sure you have valid reasons for having your own private password, but this just reminds me of the sharing you were telling me about on my thread . My H is still a bit secretive when it comes to his cell, but we share the computer. We have different passwords, but we know what they are.
Maybe your H is bothered by the "secrecy" but won't say so -- like me sometimes .
Quote: We have been fighting like crazy. I have been so hurt and crabby. I quit smoking almost 4 weeks ago and I am sure that has added to it also. I told him yesterday because of course there was no sex this weekend. So it's going on two weeks. When he did agree to two times a week. But I told him get use to it this is me with no sex and no smoking. He said go but a pack of cigarettes. And I of course shot back with a mean comment about why you can't step up to the plate on the other.
cally, are you playing the blame game ?
Sweetie, I know how frustrated you are, but you gotta stop. Acting this way is only going to push you and H farther apart, and if you want more , do you think you're going to get it by doing this? Or does your H find you irresistibly attractive when you're crabby? I know my H doesn't.
I'm sorry if I seem to be coming down on you. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but I can see how your behavior might be effecting your H in the WRONG way.
Please take care.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
There is a difference between confront and control.
First off, you can't control his actions. That should be made obvious since he is doing the very thing that he knows you don't like.
Do you remember us talking about desperate/controlling/grabby/needy behaviors on this forum, and how it alienates or pushes the spouse away from us rather than drawing them back?
When you confront your husband, you want to do that from a place that makes him feel 'safe'. He is not going to listen to you if you bang him upside the head with a book (speaking figuratively). He is not going to listen when you get 'nasty' with him.
Here are two examples of confrontation.
1)"You sum-beach, I have told you how your looking at that crap bothers me!! You've got to stop or else!! I want your passwords right now. Etc....."
2)"Hubby, I would like to discuss something with you right now if you can, and if not, I would like to talk to you about something important to me at dinner..... Your viewing of porn on your computer, and what appears to me to be clandestine activities with potential partners outside of our marriage is really hurting my feelings, and causing me to doubt your ability to remain faithful in our marriage. I would really like for us to work on this problem as a couple. As a first step, would you be willing to exchange passwords on all our accounts, and agree that neither of us will keep any secrets from each other any more? Here is a list of my passwords. I love you, and I believe that we can get through this."
Which example will come closer to resolving the issues?
Secrecy in a marriage is often a sign of an underlying problem.
The point is that trust has to start somewhere. You can't build trust on secrecy. The more open and honest you both are, the better you will be able to face your marital issues, but it will take both of you working at it.
As to the fighting and crabby behavior, you have to deal with that yourself. Stop fighting. Calmly state your concerns and issues. If he baits you into a fight, don't take the bait. Walk away if you need to. Calmly return to the discussion when you have cooled down. Keep working at it until you have BOTH reached an agreeable solution, and a plan of action.
Stopping a fight, is not avoiding conflict, repeatedly avoiding reaching a solution to a problem, is.
One of you has to be the responsible one in the relationship. Since you are here, seeking a solution, you are elected.
As long as you act irresponsibly toward your husband, you will gain little ground.
You can do this, cally.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Cally, I am in no place to offer any sort of quality advice. All I can say is listen to NOP, and don't let H drag you into a fight. Try to find your center, and stay there. When h pulls you towards a fight with a baited statement, walk away. If you think that is a bad idea, figure out another way to avoid escalating the negativity.
Try to stay strong and confident. It will help you to stay on track and working toward the goal.
But truth is to read it ticked me off. 
. My H is still a bit secretive when it comes to his cell, but we share the computer. We have different passwords, but we know what they are.
.
?
, do you think you're going to get it by doing this? Or does your H find you irresistibly attractive when you're crabby? I know my H doesn't.