Well this is interesting. My cheating girlfriend back East e-mailed me some links to a few sites she thought would be of interest to me. Her H is a www. expert and to make a long story short, she did some on-line investigating for me. It turns out the OW is in fact quite gay. She's the webmaster of several lesbian/gay rights activists groups and very proactive with women's related issues and groups. I saw a few pics of her and her partner and ewwww...now I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I accused my H of having had an A with her. When I initially asked the H about the OW's appearance he described her as being frumpy looking...boy that's an understatement. I know stranger things have happened, and I'm not tooting my own horn...but there's no way my H could/would have had an A with this woman. No way. It was interesting while I surfed the info on her how things began to make sense to me and how easily certain thoughts resolved...dissipating from my mind. I went to bed last night feeling totally at ease for the first time in many months. This morning was the first in eons I awoke with not a single care in the world.
My poor H. I have much to make up for. I really put him thru the wringer for no apparent reason. It's a wonder he remained so steadfast and true throughout my suspicous ordeal. He really held us together...I can see that now. While I was spazing out on my paranoid bender he stood up to the plate and took every hit I gave him...and stood by me the whole time. What the hell was I thinking?
Having said that tho...this sitch really opened both our eyes and jumpstarted our R/M in a very positive manner. Things haven't been the same since and never will be...but in a good/better way. I'll be forever grateful for Michele's SSM book...without it our lovelife would never have changed...that I'm certain of. H's been making a tremendous effort to be a more frequent and attentive lover...much to my delight.
I slipped into bed quite late last night. H was restless and asked if I had been reading the "deep-sea scrolls" again. That's his reference to my on-line reading. I said yes and said I was doing my "therapy" on myself. I told him I loved him and he responded he loved me very much, too. We both fell asleep holding hands under the covers. When he called home on his lunch a while ago I could hear a lilt in his voice I haven't heard in a while. Altho he'd have no idea what changed in me or what caused the change...I know he can sense the difference in me today. His voice was raised in a normal tone and he even mentioned "her"...something that hasn't happened in ages. Maybe now he can quit walking on eggshells and I will stop being so susupcious and we can get on with our new life. Life's good today.
