Thank you so much for the kind thoughts and prayers. Yes, my Dad's a fighter, and will face this with a positive outlook. He's a wee bit scared, but I think he'll have the right outlook.
Had an odd PMA booster that set my time with S5 well this weekend. A friend told me about an old TV series "The Courtship of Eddie's Father" that ran at the time of the early "Brady Bunch" series (69-72 or so). Anyway, the series was suppposed to be about a widower getting hit on, romanced by the women in his life, but became a love story between the father and his young son, Eddie. I actually had never seen it, but looked it up and decided that I'd borrow that slicked up 'Hollywood' depiction for the weekend - and it helped!
At pickup, the ILs were over, and S5 came out combative, apparently having argued with them about our family, God, religion, etc... What f#ck*ng bullies to gang up on a 5yo to try to brainwash him into their thinking! Losers! W had him dressed up to go to church, and when I loudly said, "No church for us! We're going to the beach!" W cringed and S5 shouted, "Yea!!" Quietly outside I mentioned to W that we were going to Mass at night. While outside alone with S5 and me, W looked at me and asked, "What's going on? What's wrong with you?" (I was very positive at this point, no grounds for immediate negative impression). I think I have her attention regarding boundary-setting. Hopefully, it has positive benefits in the long-term.
S5 and I went to the beach, and I taught him the basics of handling a board, surf etiquette, etc... He did great for 5yo! He rode one for about 20 yds, and we stayed in the water for 2.5 hrs before heading to lunch and then a movie. Had more fun on Monday in celebration of the 4th. We saw "Sharkboy and Lava Girl" at S5's insistence. In the plot, a boy's parents have a troubled M and they decide to stay together in the end. S5 insisted that W take him to see it also, and me again.
I've begun to worry about him having false hopes. I'm not giving up yet, but I'm worried about his being built up too high. So I've taken down several pics, leaving only a few of his family. All my pics of W are down in my office, save one profile shot that focuses on S5. This weekend, S5 asked me if I'd ever M another woman. I said that I don't want to, but that I would do God's will. I asked him if he wanted me to, and he said, "No!" "Me, either! Let's just work at being happy together, huh?" I replied. In this convo, S5 said "W says all you have to do is say you're sorry, and then you can come home." But I know this is wishful thinking on his part. I reassured him, and told him that this is Daddy's and Mommy's and God's work.
Crazymaker is quieting. I'm still struggling with it, but I know that I'll be okay.
Positives: -Neither of us in an R. -W was more attentive, respectful, softer in our recent brief contacts, even with ILs present. -Two FFs who haven't seen me in 2-3 mo stated "Wow, you look great!" and "My my, aren't you buff!" - I'm sure W is noticing. - PMA is increasing!
Negatives: - W's MLC behaviors continuing - W's spontaneous contact is very limited. - W seems to think I'm having $ problems (came up in a convo). Projecting? or just mere concern?
Great job Gabe and sounds like a very good weekend with your son.
Of course your wife thinks you are having money problems. She wants to explain why you suddenly won't pay for stuff.
I think you are handling your son's expectations pretty well. It's hard to burst a child's bubble. The way you have phrased it is excellent. One of these days might be the right time to reassure him that whatever happens he will always be loved and treasured by your ex and you.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
W had several picture albums by the dumpster that capture our early years of M. I picked them up and put them in the trunk of my car - figuring I'd save them for S5 as mementos of his family. I thought instantly of my thoughts regarding my father's illness, wondering this weekend how I could get S5 to better know his Grandpa, wishing I had more pictures/film. This will be my gift to him and his kids. Will store them out of the way when I get back into the house.
Outside of this, I reviewed my sitch and noticed a few things:
My R with W is going thru a seasonal pattern. There aren't a whole lot of built-in contacts thru S5 like there were when W arranged swim lessons and T-Ball. I'll need to get off my duff and look into creating some for the Fall.
This is a normal 'down time' for us, and W probably needs a break from the sitch to recoup or grow.
Others are noticing my postive changes, so absence from W may help her to do the same.
I decided to get back to what I know that works for my PMA: exercise, creative work, prayer, and reading. Worked out and ran hard this afternoon. Will take S5 to the Gulf of Mexico Thur and Fri for water fun - hurricane permitting. Alternate plan - tubing at a local springs. I'm starting to feel like a 38-yo Huck Finn
Things appear to be in a strange dynamic since you returned from your trip. You are putting down more boundaries and your W is confused. Perhaps she is getting the impression that you have had enough? I ask because of her asking you recently "what is wrong with you?" and also from her trying to consign your memories to the dumpster (Re the latter, is that just her attempt to purge herself of physical reminders of something she cannot flush her psyche of?). I have been in this dynamic several times already and the dust usually settles after a couple of weeks. But I am just wondering if your W needs some reassurance that you are still "there" in a non-pursuing way. An act of unconditional giving that is not too imposing maybe? Kind of like a "hit and run"? Oh, maybe Wes can give you pointers on that...
You are doing an admirable job of maintaining yoru PMA through all of this.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Strange indeed. I think you're onto s/t here. W just called - first out of blue contact in awhile (yeah!), but not overly positive. Her "I'm just calling to tell you that (her 'third' GM - a woman who acted very lovingly to her family in a time of great need. Real GMs were rather non-presences for W) died. I'm really sad and I'd like you to back off a little bit. "
Hmmm. Did she took my boundary-setting as an attack? By a little bit, is she asking me to take a softer approach, provide some suppport while giving her space?
My take is this is definitely positive. She wants a little space right now understandably, but she recognized that you are an influence in her life.
Maybe just offer a friendly shoulder to cry on when she needs it. Say something along the line of 'call if you just need to talk' and then let her deal w/her grief.
It might very well be the case that she senses a change in you since you came back. She may feel that you are being a bit aggressive somehow. MLC'ers are hypersensitive people and will get easily overwhelmed with even the slightest pressure/irritation from the LBS. I would advise that you practice utmost compassion in a completely non-pressuring way with her. I think you should say your bit expressing sympathy, ask if there is anything you can do for her, let her talk, ask if she needs help managing S5 and then completely back off. You can let her know you will be there for her IF she needs anything but stay out of her way.
Just from an observer's point of view, your PMA has been low since you returned for various justifiable reasons. She has perhaps sensed the same. Time to lie low for a while?
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Yes, I think I was starting to depend on or expect friendly/postive interactions w/ W, and when they haven't happened post-vacations, I started to stir. It truly is time to self-feed. My PMA is actually pretty good - just need to regain my skills regarding staying loose and fun while around W, w/ very low expectations.
T, nice advice regarding compassion and distance.
I am sooo glad I backed away from a particular work committee with her. That would have been disastrous, IMO. Seems like we both need some space/time to think. UD, I did reassure W about not seeing anyone else (she did so first) after she described me as going out and painting the town red after I got back from vacation. No specific allegations about other women, but I think she's wondering. I guess a more specific reminder about her choice to D and my willingness to talk again about 'us' if she wants to revisit that choice?
Work buddy and I are working on our 1st website for our practice tomorrow - very cool! Placing an ad for a line of work I've designed - also exciting!
How's your running going, UD? I'm more of a cross-trainer than runner, using weights/bike/swimming too, but I've noticed I definitely bump up the mood following a run. Does it work that way for you? I am so thankful I'm able to run - was grounded for 2 yrs following a cartilege tear, but now the knee feels very strong. No basketball or tennis, but it is holdign up well.
Noticed that when I played a wedding song on my MP3 player at the gym - Sade's Kiss of Life, it made me smile. This thing will work out. As Michele notes, time and patience... And tons of hard work!!!
Quote: No specific allegations about other women, but I think she's wondering. I guess a more specific reminder about her choice to D and my willingness to talk again about 'us' if she wants to revisit that choice?
I wouldn't suggest bringing it up. She may be looking for reassurance somewhat w/all the other changes she has seen in you. She knows your available now, and may be wondering what to do. Just keep the focus on actions, not words here.
Another thought here w/the GM grief. Like UD said, maybe you could offer to help out w/s the day of the funeral so she doesn't have to worry about him. And then take the Wes approach and say you could have some coffee later and talk about it. Then keep it focussed on that sitch and nothing else.
Your PMA sounds a lot better than mine does today, keep up the good work! T
PS. Oops, forgot about you giving up the coffee addiction. Oh, well.
W got on the phone when I called S5 g'night and asked me about my Dad. Talked to me about her GM's loss, and when she noted that she wouldn't be going to the funeral due to the expenses, I offered to pay for half her flight. W thanked me, but declined, seemed to warm up a bit.
She seemed concerned about my father, and shared with me her feelings about her GM, giving me a chance to do better listening. We planned together about S5's whereabouts, and W seemed more than willing to let me have him to do my Gulf of Mexico outing, admitting that she hoped to go out Wed and Fri eves. I think this was a test, and when I did not react but agreed to her request of childcare, she brightened.
I have to support her need to grow/explore, being confident in myself, and knowing that she won't find anything better out there than what I have to offer.
I look better, business is booming, and I'm a great dad. I just need to soften my approach (even boundary setting) with her, and if I ever get the chance again in a new R, romance her off her feet. Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dogonnit, people like me! (to quote Stuart Smalley )
What f#ck*ng bullies to gang up on a 5yo to try to brainwash him into their thinking! Losers! W had him dressed up to go to church, and when I loudly said, "No church for us! We're going to the beach!" W cringed and S5 shouted, "Yea!!" Quietly outside I mentioned to W that we were going to Mass at night. While outside alone with S5 and me, W looked at me and asked, "What's going on? What's wrong with you?" (I was very positive at this point, no grounds for immediate negative impression). I think I have her attention regarding boundary-setting. Hopefully, it has positive benefits in the long-term.
