Thanks, Kevin, Yep, I plan to rest up, get over this cold and get going with my work/business stuff, and rev up the GAL work again. Patience.
Had a mixed phone call with W last night. We talked about our work overlap, with W acknowledging no difficulty working together despite our recent D. Not sure how to take this, as I saw her flinch twice this week seeing me come down the hallway. Mere bravado on the phone?
We talked about S5, with W bristling about me not paying for yet more summer camps (I've shelled out about $1000 for afterschool/summer camps so far - all her legal responsibility. There were no thanks from her for any of this). But I do feel the need for her to taste single parenthood more fully. Not in a manipulative way, but in a manner where I'm not going to try to buy her back. Doesn't work - she doesn't seem to appreciate that.
Early in my sitch, there was a general impression that she needed to experience life and grow as a person. Having had a very controlling mother, and reporting me as controlling, she saw the need to be her own person. Well, I've been undoing that a bit by stepping in and buying her relief from house-cleaning etc...
On my part, I need to sit tight and clear this head of mine.
Yes, in my case, forgetting about W for a bit or "dropping the rope" again, seems to be in order.
I just sent an email that removed me from a work committee that W headed that I was serving on. Did not see the benefit of contact while things are icy, especially when W noted that I could easily be replaced if I decided to leave. I can better use this time to build up my PMA again. Dreamed about withdrawing from it last night, woke up and tried to think of the reasons for trying to stay on it, and came up blank.
I think my sitch is in a place where my expectations may be a tad high, where W is showing no positives/warmth toward me, and where I'm looking back and seeing a need to try s/t different in key areas.
I think I stunted much of W's work in the 1st year of her likely female MLC that she seems to be going thru. Time for her to taste standing alone, and for me to press on HARD toward growth in all areas of functioning.
Your PMA sounds like it's in the gutter. Not quite sure why. I'm sure that your ex bristled. My 1st wife used to be sweet as could be until I did something like you did then wham...attack of the killer beatch. Basically, I think what you have suggested sounds right. Ride out this rough patch. See if your show of determination will help her find the respect you deserve and make her a little more grateful for the help you have provided.
Just be sure you don't forget to act as if there is no reason for her to be mad at you. And act as if you are on cloud nine. You are too good of a DBer I suspect to "let her see you sweat", as it were, but just a little reminder to
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Yeah, my PMA stinks right now. A big part is a viral cold I'm fighting off - has keep me from exercising, which was my big substitute for caffeine.... Also, dealing w/ getting a new transmission for my truck, and jump-starting contract work a colleague let slide. All very surmountable probs, but still pains in the meanwhile.
I'll work hard to turn things around. Wes wrote:
Quote: Just be sure you don't forget to act as if there is no reason for her to be mad at you. And act as if you are on cloud nine. You are too good of a DBer I suspect to "let her see you sweat"
Exactly the right advice I needed to hear! See, I knew there was a reason I missed you guys. No wonder your W is constantly hugging/smoochin on you, Wes! Next vacation, I'm taking my laptop to keep in touch!
Things have crystalized into a plan for the Gabester! (thanks, Wes). I pull back for a bit, let her taste reality while getting my butt back into gear, and heavily acting "As-If" with each contact. With S5, it'll never be true darkness, just "gray", so this small snapshots of me will serve their purpose.
Then I'll slowly dip my toes back into the water. I'm expecting something seasonal here, as W tends to have a 'high' during the summer months, then slip into a depressive funk come the start of Fall (that's autumn, Jo ).
I was missing the "As-If' piece and this left me open to worrying too much about W's reactions. Now that this piece to the puzzle is in, I'm clear.
Thanks for the note Gab. Had a good 10km run this morning, Tomorrow is a brick, swim, run. Sunday 90 KM ride, run. If nothing else I will be in shape. Not that it does me any good with the W. Off to BBQ at W, its my birthday. Russ
I agree that the AS-IF is really important to our efforts. I know Wes felt I dropped the ball, and I did miss an opportunity, but I think I was able to AS-If w/ W about her interview. Thinking back, W did most of the talking (very enthusiastically at that) and I validated and supported pretty well. W never seemed annoyed or angry, so I assume that I did a good job at pumping her up.
I'll have to maintain that attitude if she in fact moves away to north Denver, which by my calculations would be at least 1.5 hrs. away.
I'll have to present the appearence that I'm okay and everything is and will be all right, even if I don't feel that inside. But, I think that it will be key to making her feel safe and comfortable.
A big part is a viral cold I'm fighting off - has keep me from exercising, which was my big substitute for caffeine.... Also, dealing w/ getting a new transmission for my truck, and jump-starting contract work a colleague let slide. All very surmountable probs, but still pains in the meanwhile. 