I think while money is certainly a key issue, it appears it bothers you more that she makes these decisions, then informs you, then asks for help.
Tell her it is great if SHE wants to sign him up for camp, but since you were not directly involved in the decision, you feel paying for the camp should be up to her.
And I cannot understand why you pay for someone to take of the house for her.
I know we all have trouble setting limits and boundaries because we think if we are nice, the WAS will see this, but it usually has the opposite effect.
Following up on Dogma, limits and boundaries versus unconditional love is a very difficult line to draw.
I guess it goes to the motivation. If you are doing something because you want to and you see it as a true act of charity that brings joy to your heart, regardless of the other's reaction, then it's an act of love. If you're doing it to win someone over, then you've probably crossed the proper boundary. Moreover, if you feel charitable, there are lots of needy people, especially kids, who may make better use of what we have to offer than our WAS's--but I think I may be opening a can of worms here.
Jo, no worries about the sex talk - I just needed some advice. Feel free to keep that convo going.
Hmmm. W has been cold, abrupt to me, but I've dealt w/ that fine before, knowing that things ebb and flow. My limit-setting had more to do with her happily (literally) assuming that she can spend my money for me. I think she has me locked into many husband responsibilities still in her mind, and she also has demonstrated a desire to keep my free time as busy as possible with him, while freeing up her time to do things on her own.
In addition, I need the house finances complete, as I may need to do some creative financing regarding a new vehicle and a business venture, and I can't have an ex-W associated with any of that.
I did tell her the prior posted message and she reacted angrily, saying that she didn't like me accusing her of stuff, but wouldn't elaborate. She also blamed me for not getting and submitting the quick claim form for her - "I have been waiting for months!" (not true - I had arranged it free for her in March, but she declined, accusing me of trying to cheat her out of her share of the home equity).
This is definitely not about money, guys. I could just work harder and hand her over more cash. But she is not my W anymore. She is my ex-W and doesn't enjoy the same benefits that she did in our M. This is about me choosing to enable her behavior regarding our son, then blaming me for the negative consequences when they occur (her unhappiness/emptiness, the relationship problems, bad events that happen). I reflected on it early this am after dreaming about it (dream journal, Jo!) and decided that I was unhealthily become non-assertive about this to peace-keep, but that seemed to bring MOTS behaviors on her part. This assertiveness and limit-setting on my part (while consciously trying not to manipulate her one way or another) is a 180 for me. I was quite a pushover for this stuff in the past.
I'm distancing for now, having communicated what I will and will not do, and will proceed with a focus on S5 and myself.
You've got a problem. I've been guilty of the same thing and still am on some stuff, but you definitely need to set some boundaries. Do you pay child support? If so, that should take care of some of those costs. If you agreed in the divorce to split stuff like babysitters/child care then do it.
1) Your ex still doesn't have to feel what it's like to be the single parent she chose to be. As long as you split the cost of stuff like these camps that she signs him up for then she isn't having to deal with financial reality. Those costs fall under child support. Plus by taking it out of rent she is deciding by herself what you pay for. What if she split the cost of a nintendo with you? I would suggest that you indicate you'll pay when you sign him up for stuff and that she pay when she does.
2) I can't for the life of me see why you are paying for housekeeping and yard care. Maybe yard care since you are the landlord. So now you are allowing her not to see what it feels like to be a single working mom. She doesn't have to come home and clean house. I would just indicate in passing that you are going to save money by discontinuing the housekeeping service.
3) Don't you dare say something about "you wanted to be a mother so why are you pawning them off on others" I don't think you want to even go anywhere near her mothering. Just figure that she has a different style of parenting and accept it. As she grows more comfortable with being a single mother things might change. They also might change if she becomes more financially strapped because you quit paying for everything.
4) Giving up coffee is crazy...it's the nectar of the Gods.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Yes, tough spot, but the ripples from this will die out and not affect your R with your W as long as it is handled without rancor and your are fair and justified in taking the measures that you do.
But, whatever you do, watch about undercutting W's mothering. One way to approach this may be to combine praise with boundary setting : "It is great that you want to push S5 to learn from these camps, but (something to the effect that it is blowing your bank acct.)".
Now, I have to agree with Wes about the giving up the coffee thing. I am dissapointed in you. Think of all those poor coffee farmers in Guatemala and Colombia and Kenya. How can you deprive them of a livelihood? And think of poor old CEO of Starbucks. What about the upgrades to his yacht?
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
H and I agreed in div that any extra expenses for s8 (mainly medical treatments) would have to be agreed on by both parties before splitting the bill, if either one of us seeks treatment for s on our own, we're stuck w/full bill.
Maybe you could make that suggestion to her, that you are not comfortable paying for a share of the activities which you had no choice in. Somehow maybe you can get the message across that you enjoy your s having these activities, but want to be involved in the decision making before you help on the money part.
As for the quit claim, I don't have any ideas on that. I'm supposed to have signed one months ago and my ex still hasn't asked me or given me any papers.
You're being judgemental of her parenting again. I feel it in most of your posts which is why I mentioned 'competition'.
She is a different person to you and she will parent differently from you. Your son will get different qualities from each of you BECAUSE you are different.
Becoming the mother of your child was her greatest declaration of love for YOU. Don't hold it against her. Okay, so the babysitting incident was bad but she dealt with it and she's learning from mistakes.
My dd2 ran off in a shopping centre once and I couldn't find her. DD3 also ran in the road when she was 3, after she was playing at a neighbour's house. I stopped her from playing round there when the other mother wouldn't supervise them properly.
These things happen. You will drive her crazy and hurt her by continually picking at her parenting skills.
I would be with my X now if it weren't for his inflexible approach to child rearing. Don't let your son, who is the cement between you, cause disagreements.
Re the finances, I agree with you on the money side of it. Maybe if you had just stated 'we are divorced now so I don't feel comfortable paying for your activities' - full stop, rather than an argument on her choices etc.
I agree your money is yours, but likewise, her choices are hers.
I would just stay 'dark' for a while and wait for it to cool own.
I think your expections of going away were too high and you expected her to magically miss you on your return and then because the sitch was still the same, you are now upset and down and losing your PMA.
Try to distance yourself and zero your expectations. I do think you are doing the right thing, not agreeing to everything she wants. She will just think you are a doormat if you continue that. I don't do everything X wants. He rang me tonight and asked me to call him back and I didn't.
Glad to see you are dream journalling. I am too, and have had some really interesting ones, but don't want to mention them online, LOL!
Wes and UD, I like the suggestion of softpedaling my boundary-setting with clear compliments of her mothering. She does need to start facing the reality of her choices. And I'm likely only earning scorn from her for helping her financially.
DejaVu, I like your emphasis on improving our communicatino skills - hopefully after things cool a bit. I noticed that I have really slipped in terms of listening.
Jo, I do need to accept that her different way of parenting, including her different values regarding others watching S5, except if/when she places him in danger. Outside of a headcold, my PMA is good, actually. I feel really solid about myself, but angry at her, while not really having a desire to be with her - at least not as she currently is. I've noticed a WA attitude in me since my return, but lying low/going dark is probably the very thing I need to do to clear my head and rethink things. I need to find a balance that includes peace toward her again.
Your reminder of her huge gift of love in S5 moved me. That is a 'forever' gift, and I will think about that tonight regarding my sitch.
I've been guilty of the same thing and still am on some stuff, but you definitely need to set some boundaries. Do you pay child support? If so, that should take care of some of those costs. If you agreed in the divorce to split stuff like babysitters/child care then do it.
Think of all those poor coffee farmers in Guatemala and Colombia and Kenya. How can you deprive them of a livelihood? And think of poor old CEO of Starbucks. What about the upgrades to his yacht? 
