Brief review: Me: 38 W: 34 5yr Son Separated since 10/28/04. Signed D Papers 3/24/05 D finalized 5/2/05.
I've seen notable improvements in R, babysteps in my sitch, yet D was unavoidable w/ W set on this being her 'answer' to make things right or to prove herself right.
Positives include: W still interested/curious, with unsolicited daily contact and increased friendliness. Also, no OP for either of us, W in therapy and exercising, emphasizing work slightly less, W continues to inform me somewhat about her free time perhaps to confirm no OP. Best of all, we are co-parenting well- both keeping S5 as our very high priority. I bought W out of house, paid off all shared debt (she actually thanked me for this in May!). W has responed to my boundary setting with more respect for me. W keeps reaching out to me when a crisis occurs. W extended her renter status, staying in the house until October. W has started to be more attentive to her spiritual life again.
Negatives: W hasn't yet experienced the fullness of D. This is starting with some financial concerns and complaints of fatigue. W noted that her MD noted her decreased health, such as higher BP for first time in her life (used to be exceptionally healthy). Some MLC-like behavior, yet not truly acting out.
This thread will follow my attempts to improve my R with W, my GAL work, with my realization that friendship with W is primary goal. I'm attempting to stay unconditionally loving in a detached manner, focusing on S5 and myself, while I hope that, with God's grace and my and W's hard self-work, that she and I heal enough for us to have a second chance at some point.
Best wishes. I hope this year brings you peace and reconciliation.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Hey Martha, Dogma, & UD, thanks for the BDay wishes.
I haven't really 'felt' my BDay before - at least since my 21st. This year I am - likely related to the D. I met with my insurance guy to add some term life insurance and enhance my retirement plan. Both would have been things I arranged squarely with W and S5 in mind, now just with S5. Definitely a bittersweet tone here. Going to work out hard this afternoon to note my improved health. At MD's on Monday, physician noted very healthy BP and resting HR. Nice to see other evidence of my self-care. W noted that her BP has increased notably according to her MD, which is troubling as she is not heavy. Maybe stress?
Gonna celebrate BDay with a nice dinner out with S5 tonight.
There have been some positives lately: My folks sent a very unexpected and generous check to cover my and S5's travel plans. Very kind and highly unusual as I'm the over-achiever/care-provider child and usually the others are the ones attended to. This was a nice different thing to experience.
W called during my class, then followed up asking me to come over the house afterward to talk to S5 about some acting out at his summercamp yesterday. Did so, and arranged a consequence for him (no swimming today, some tears/drama, but he understood). Rewarded him for telling W about his behavior - need to keep truthfulness and communication going.
While at the house, W was friendly and noted how when she talked about me while telling a funny story (nothing derogatory/mean, according to her) at a gathering of coworkers over lunch on Tue (I was teaching), others seemed to get uncomfortable. She said, "I mean, I hope I can mention you to others. We have a good R now. (hmmm? ). It'd be a shame if we can't mention each other." She had been refering to S5's birth and his likeness to me, bringing this up when others were talking about additional children.
When she commented that my work buddy would hardly look at her, I did a 180 - rather than reassuring her, I just said, "Well, that's between you and (buddy) to work out or not."
W seemed to be free with comments, saying "You don't want to put that much into this house" regarding my plan to change the flooring. Why does she care? She goes completely quiet whenever I mention my goal of finding my dreamhouse - a fixer-upper in a a particular riverfront area of town. This was 'our' goal in the past. Could she be still eyeing that as a possibility? Likely reading too much into this.
At one point, S5 called W's cell phone using my cell phone an W had the same ringtone - the Mexican hat dance. When I noted that she had the same one as me, she stammered and said "I don't have alot of choices on that phone." Now why would a German/English/Irish/Jewish Iowan girl have that tone on her phone when her XH is Mexican? I imagined she may have a select tone for my number alone, but as she can't figure out how to set up her voicemail after 7 months, I doubt she's figured that out.
I think I'm overanalyzing stuff.
W and S5 bought two huge supersoaker-type squirt cannons and W gave me a AAA travelguide for NM/Arizona for my and S5's trip that she had ordered. She had also helped S5 write out a BDay greeting on a card for me. He's getting very good at printing out basic words.
As I left the house last night, I thanked W for everything, and she just beamed. I think we've reached the tentative beginnings of a 'friendship' in her eyes.
Maybe a little overanalyzing, but I think there is no denying the positivity of your relationship...especially "I mean, I hope I can mention you to others. We have a good R now. Definitely a step toward friendship which I think most of us feel is really the first step that we need to take in our new R.
You really have put forth the effort Gabriel and there is no reason to expect that you won't reap the rewards in all your relationships. Wishing you the best on your birthday.
Wes
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Yes, you are overanalyzing. Go read what I posted today on my new thread about Zen...I think it will help. Might help you with the patience monster too!
Thanks for the advice and age-related affirmations!
My BDay actually ended well. I raced out of the office, worked out quickly, picked up S5 and did a few light chores before heading out to dinner with him. Went to a place that serves decent food but also has a huge game arcade. We had a good time. Worked hard not focusing on W.
On the way home, S5 asked "Dad, where's your ring?" - really threw me. I inquired why he asked, but he just seemed to be wondering. I showed him how I placed it on a famous passage in Corinthians about love, and we talked about what it symbolized slightly. He commented that he saw W's ring in her bedroom.
At dropoff, W came out of the garage looking rough and teary, and she told me she had gotten into a car accident this morning and showed me the front end of her car, then raced inside in tears. I followed her, with S5 in tow, and gave her a big, long hug. She stayed in my hug crying for about 30 sec, and I said softly "Im sorry that happened to you." Then she said okay and we let go. S5 got the giggles (poor little guy) and only commented "Mommy's crying!" I listened to her story, and when I asked if she was okay, she confirmed this.
Poor woman has been to 3 doctor visits in 5 days, has a viral cold and pink eye, and was found at fault for her auto accident - all less than 36 hrs before her trip to Hawaii. I just listened and only twice had to wrestle with my wanting to solve all this for her, just as I would have in our M. She asked if I wanted a glass of wine, and when I noted 'sure' she seemed to eagerly serve us so we could talk at the dining table while S5 wolfed down snack after snack as he eyed us curiously and tried to engage me in play every once in awhile. This time I stayed focused on her, and felt that I did a good job validating her feelings. S5 got the hint, and brought out some toys out to play on the floor near us.
S5 and I made her laugh by showing her some booth photos we took of ourselves, especially two that morphed my pic with that of an orangutang and a polar bear.
When W apologized for not acknowledging my BDay at work until late afternoon when I had already left (she puts up flyers and announces it via email to everyone for every staff member's BDay), I told her that I easily understood, and was amazed she did it at all.
Anyway, here's to a better year with lots more healing, deeper friendship and perhaps the start to something more.
Gabriel, I am glad i found your new thread, and belated Happy Birthday, my friend..for some reason, I thought you were older. just your wise advice, I suppose.. good job on how you handled the wife with her accident.. keep up the good work...ukeejo.
). It'd be a shame if we can't mention each other." She had been refering to S5's birth and his likeness to me, bringing this up when others were talking about additional children. 
