Wow, that is a really good post and you raise some really good questions. I think I may have overstated my case here because of making so many posts about this, but your points do deserve much consideration, and some answers!
First, he has not been sexually unfaithful to me, and I really sort of doubt that he will ever take anything that far anymore. He has only flirted and gotten a few ladies to be interested in him. One reason why I shouldn't worry so much is that I think he is nearly as fearful of ending up alone as I am. We have been married three years, together four years, we have much invested in this marriage including the fact that my teenage daughter loves him and he loves her.
Another reason why I need to stop this worrying is that he is 60 now, and obese, so he's not going to have women flocking around him like they may have done when he was younger. I think he is beginning to realize that. He's still fairly good looking though, and charismatic. However, he now rides a Harley , and believe it or not, there are "women" out there who will go for anything as long as they can sit on a Harley. Including old, fat, grey-haired men.
As far as me not taking responsibility for the kind of man I married, I do blame myself for not keeping my eyes open wide enough. I knew him for a year, but I wish it had been longer. However, I'm 50 now, not in good health, my bipolar is worse, and so I feel that I'm very lucky that I can hold onto anyone.
I do demand that he take responsibility when I catch him flirting. But you really have no picture of how difficult it is for him to say no. I was talking with a man in another thread about the deep impact that serving in the Marines has had on my husband and how he commented to me once that he "does what he is told." Just like the psych doctor said who founded the concept, PA, these men get their military training mixed up with their relationships! He is so afraid of non-compliance, and confrontations, that he probably would - and has - gone against his own morals in submission to what another woman wants. I didn't know he was like this, that bad, when I married him. Sometimes it takes a few years for the extent of a severe weakness to come out.
Yes I do expect him to police his own conduct. I think he is learning, but that doesn't change the fact that he is a weak, passive person who cannot say no to everyone. All of his wives have told him to grow a backbone , no doubt!
There are lots of good days, and some bad days with him. I guess the good days outweigh the bad or I would not still be here. I need to focus on myself and my own insecurities and allow his passiveness not to get to me anymore. If he does end up in bed with another woman like he has in his past, well I'd say that's more unlikely now given his age, and if that happens - I will definitely leave him.
Thanks so much and be well. You sound like a nice person to know.
