Quote: One episode of quality sex with H and I'm fine for a few days - an orgasm or two from mb and I'm horny again in an hour. (OK - someone will make a comment about Chinese food here - go ahead).
LOL. Great analogy. I have the exact same problem trying to get by on MBing. I can't MB without fantasizing and if I fantasize about my H, I just want him more but if I fantasize about someone else that's not good either . StubbornDyke once suggested that I try having fantasies that are just about me, but when I try to do this it usually seems kind of lame. For instance, the last time I MB, I just thought about being licked by the Rolling Stones tongue logo.
Quote: My question to you JJ - Why do you stay. Love for your H? Love for your kids? Boundless hope and optimism? Are there good things about your life that we don't know about that are just too good to walk away from? We all stay for our own reasons. That is why the escape fantasy is mostly that - a fantasy
Probably some of all of the above. Though I have to say that in my sich I don't really think of the divorce option as a fantasy. Once I realized that I would probably have to be willing to leave if I wanted to make any progress on the sex issue, I started working on all the problems that would prevent me from being honest when taking that stance. For instance, I lost 30 lbs. and I increased my income by more than 50% in the past year and I grew out of a lame romantic mindset that made me think along the lines of "there is no man but you for me in this world" etc.
Quote: If it is getting to be more than a fantasy you need to decide what the parameters are - when will you know you are done?
Good question. I guess my modus operandi lately has been that I have a pretty clear idea of what I won't tolerate, lack of sex and ill-tempered expressions of resentment, but all I've resolved to do is address these issues each time they arise. I guess I'm working on the assumption that either my H will finally choose to have sex with me on a regular basis without resentment or bring up some issues of his own which I will have to decide if I'm willing to address or he will leave because he's sick of being hassled about the sex issue and he is truly unwilling to do anything about it. Though maybe what is happening is that my H is bringing up his own issues and I am unwilling to do anything about them because I think they are unreasonable (for instance, his suggestion that I should lose another 20 lbs. or his suggestion that I need to stay home for his entire 3 day weekend if I expect to get laid.)
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Since I grew up a Roman Catholic and in a military family that lived on-base, I didn't even know a divorced person until I was in college. (In the 50's-60's you would NEVER have found a single parent family on-base.) Today, alas, your kid is an oddball if his original parents are still together.
I used to wish my parents would get a divorce and marry other people, because then I might get a parent out of it who knew how to be a parent. Some Enneagram books say the Four didn't bond with either parent, and in fact, any given child's reaction to divorce may very well have a lot to do with their Enneagram type.
I've always thought it was more harmful for kids to witness coldness or ugliness between parents than to experience divorce of the parents.
Quote: Some Enneagram books say the Four didn't bond with either parent, and in fact, any given child's reaction to divorce may very well have a lot to do with their Enneagram type.
That's interesting. My sister who is a classic Type 4 has always said she didn't bond with either of our parents. I feel like I bonded quite strongly with my father and also my maternal grandmother. I was left in the care of my grandmother, great-grandmother and another older Polish woman much of the time when I was a baby. My first memory is of running back and forth down a wooden floor in a hallway because my grandmothers both wanted me to snuggle with them in their beds. Now nobody wants to snuggle with poor Type 7 Jenny. How sad and ironic.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: Now nobody wants to snuggle with poor Type 7 Jenny. How sad and ironic.
Yes, it's really sad. But is it ironic, or typical? I'm beginning to think that not having your needs met by people you love is part of the human condition.
You'll have to give yourself a hug . Or give one of your kids a hug. I bet one of them (D?) probably likes a good hug as much as you do.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
I was being a bit over-the-top maudlin. I'm sure there are plenty of people who would like to snuggle with poor me, for instance the guy who was leering at me this morning as I checked peaches for ripeness at the market.
You were right about my daughter too. She is probably even more cuddly than me. Though she is embarrassed to admit that she still snuggles with her Mom at age 14.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I think a lot of the time when someone who is LD says they just don't like sex, this is the equivalent of me saying that I just don't like roller coasters when the truth is I have fun actually riding roller coasters but I really hate that feeling of fear that builds up as I wait in line and think about all the different ways the safety devices could fail.
Quote: The causes of low libido are legion. I think fear is more commonly a *secondary* response rather than a primary one affecting folks.
Yeah, I can see that too. Sort of like being afraid that your math teacher is going to notice that you didn't do your homework. You had low desire to do the homework and now you are afraid of the consequences.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
There have been a lot of posts about LDW not liking to give head on some other threads. I thought it might be useful if I were to give some insight into why I do like to give head because it seems to me that the assumption that is being made is that HDW like to give head either out of altruism or as a sort of tit-for-tat exchange to get what they want in terms of sexual stimulation and this is not the case with me. The reason I like to give head is that when I am giving head I am imagining the specific sexual feelings my actions are causing on the penis and thinking about how good it must feel makes me have a similar response in my own genitals. Thus I like giving head for the same reason that many people like watching porn which is that experiencing someone else's arousal can make you aroused. There's nothing very altruistic about it at all though I do appreciate hearing "Thanks, that was fantastic.".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
. StubbornDyke once suggested that I try having fantasies that are just about me, but when I try to do this it usually seems kind of lame. For instance, the last time I MB, I just thought about being licked by the Rolling Stones tongue logo.
. Or give one of your kids a hug. I bet one of them (D?) probably likes a good hug as much as you do.