Quote: What disturbs me about your situation is that you seem to be constantly in the “crucible”. If I remember my Schnarch correctly, that is an indication that one or both of you (likely the latter) is unwilling to face their real issues and differentiate, which is the only way out of the crucible (if you want to stay married).
This is what disturbs me also. It is absolutely exhausting to be in the crucible all the time. Of course, I would love to think that I am fully differentiated but I am more than willing to admit that I'm not and if anyone on this BB could point out to me the leaky holes in my little boat, I would be most grateful. It's difficult for me to figure out what the difference is between not being differentiated and having dependency issues. When I joined this BB there were three concrete reasons why I didn't want to get a divorce. 1)I had low self-esteem due to a negative body image. 2)I had started my own business and didn't have quite enough income to be self-supporting. 3)I was concerned about the effects of divorce on our children. Of course, I also had the more abstract reason that I love my husband.
Perhaps, one of the reasons we ended up in the crucible again this weekend was that something happened last week that sort of nudged the roadblock concerning my kids. This is going to sound incredibly lame admission and I fully expect you guys to get on my case. Last week my daughter told me that the parents of one of her best friends are getting divorced. She told me that her friend wasn't too upset and felt like it was "for the best". She said that the reason they were divorcing was because the mother was a shopaholic and the father was "too sensitive" (I'm willing to bet sex-deprived also). I have to admit my gut reaction to this revelation was "Great! Now we can get a divorce too if it comes to that and D will be less upset because she has peer support.". Of course, I felt like a terrible person for having this thought, but what it revealed to me was that my fear of having to deal with the kid's possible reaction to divorce had been holding me back from really taking as strong a stand as I wanted to on the sex issue. During the fight I actually said to my H "I've been upset about this issue for years but I made the kids a higher priority. I suppose I could just go on being unhappy and then just leave as soon as our youngest graduates from high school, the way your father chose to leave your mother, but that seems pretty damn cold to me. I do love you and I want to work things out.".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
