I'm not sure about it being tricky to draw the line.
There is no reason to say something to your spouse for the dual reasons of: salvaging your pride and hurting their feelings.
If my H was deliberately trying to hurt me with his words, I would consider that verbal abuse. Although I probably would not leave him over it as your friend did, I would insist that it go away.
Is "crabby and somewhat demeaning" the primary way that your H communicates with you? That is the impression that I get from reading your posts, but I fully understand that posting is one of those things that is done when the mood isn't so high so I might not have the complete picture of MW.
