Booknotes with JJ

[MJontheMend]

It is interesting how different our sitches are. I was LD and want to be better, your H seems to use LD as a shield. I hope he doesn't try to blame you if his tests come back normal.

I think your perception is very accurate. My H feels like he needs a shield to protect himself. The more I think about the events of the weekend, the more I realize that my H is dealing with a lot of anxiety about sex. I think I've been in denial or distracted from dealing with this obvious root of the problem for two reasons. The first reason being my H's really quite brilliant and successful attempt to shift the "blame" on to me over the years. I've spent far too much time trying to figure out if I'm really too fat, nerdy, b*tchy, slobby, aggressive, clingy or (this weekend's addition to the list) boring to be sexually attractive. The second reason I've been in denial about the fact that my H is experiencing some fear about sex is that it's not very erotic to think of your H as being afraid of having sex with you. I mean if confidence is one of the things that makes people most sexy than the opposite is true also. It's actually easier for me to blame myself on some level because then my H retains more sexual appeal for me.

I think that generally there are four components to LD; hormones, relationship power struggles and fear and/or dislike of some aspect of sexuality. Since I know my H was LD in relationships previous to ours, I know that blaming myself is rather ridiculous and I also know that whatever relationship tensions we have can only be contributing factors not the primary reason for his LD. My H, like many LDFolk on this BB, has on many occasions indicated that he just doesn't care that much about sex. Now, I think that if someone truly has a low level of active testosterone this culd be the case. However, I think a lot of the time when someone who is LD says they just don't like sex, this is the equivalent of me saying that I just don't like roller coasters when the truth is I have fun actually riding roller coasters but I really hate that feeling of fear that builds up as I wait in line and think about all the different ways the safety devices could fail.

Of course, it still might all come down to something biochemical. If my chemical soup was such that I was an adrenalin junkie, I would actually crave the fear/excitement that roller coasters offer. If my H's bloodstream was chockful of testosterone, it would probably swamp out the anxiety chemicals rather than visa-versa. I mean if someone invented a roller coaster called the Orgasmatron, I'm sure I would be able to overcome my fear and give it a whirl. It's too bad that it's kind of difficult to think of ways to offer positive incentive beyond the obvious to our LD partners. Maybe sometime I should approach my H and say, for instance "I'll give you $100 if you can bring me to orgasm through breast stimulation only and $50 if you just give it your best shot for a half-hour".