Quote: That is why I am worried that he will consider normal test results to be a good "cop-out". But, the fact that I have already considered this gives me time to prepare for this eventuality and OTOH maybe he does have low testosterone and he'll get a prescription and I'll be able to join HDSoCal's tales of chemical success thread.
LOL. If the results come back normal, he is not through yet: hand him a referral to a shrink's office.
Quote: LOL. If the results come back normal, he is not through yet: hand him a referral to a shrink's office.
I made a strong stand for that years ago. He was diagnosed with dysthymia but none of the anti-depressants he's taken over the years have helped much with his low libido and he really doesn't seem particularly depressed recently. He's quite cheerful while watching NASCAR or playing games with the kids or eating gourmet meals, he just gets grumpy when the terrible pressure of having sex when he's not really in the mood oppresses him.
Sometimes I really feel like I'm at a disadvantage in dealing with my sich due to the fact that I have never been LD because despite everything I've learned since I've been on this BB, I still don't really "get it". Last night my H initiated sex with me out of the blue on a work night. This is totally unprecedented. Afterwards, I had to ask him what the deal was and he said he thought he was in the mood because he was hopeful that getting some testosterone treatment was going to be helpful. I guess he was experiencing some sort of conscious, before-you-even-take-the-pill placebo effect. I am baffled.
Another thing that happened this weekend was my H told me that he found me boring to be around because it was obvious that all I was interested in doing was having sex. I pretty much lost it when he said this and yelled "Well, maybe if you f*cked me regularly I could take an interest in something else!" and I added "How interested in various recreational activities would you be if, for instance, you hadn't had anything to eat for 10 hours?" and also "Besides, I'm not the one who doesn't want to go out and do anything. Yeah, I'm bored hanging out with you a lot of the time because all you seem to want to do is watch TV.". The funny thing is I ended up "winning" this "Who is the more boring partner argument" even though my H is the one who started it and somehow it resulted in my H agreeing to go see the Rolling Stones in concert with me later this summer. I'm beginning to get the feeling that we are going to end up having to resolve every other possible issue in our marriage before we finally get the sex issue licked.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Another interesting factoid from "You: The Owner's Manual".
Quote: Semen contains powerful-and potentially addictive- mood-altering chemicals, including testosterone, estrogen, prolactin, luteinizing hormone and prostaglandins. Some of these are absorbed through the wall of the vagina and are known to elevate mood
Though of course I've known this since I was 16.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: Semen contains powerful-and potentially addictive- mood-altering chemicals, including testosterone, estrogen, prolactin, luteinizing hormone and prostaglandins. Some of these are absorbed through the wall of the vagina and are known to elevate mood
JJ the LDW would say "that is just another myth promoted by guys that only think abut sex, sex, sex, all day. The guys just want to get in some womans pants. (Mrs HairDog)
Me OTH think, Well if patches can deliver medications through thick skin why can't semen and some of it's contents go through vaginal wall. I think it's thinner.
Good line and do you think the absorption thing works for you or just knowing that someone wants you satisfies you. Medical or psychological or both JJ?
I wonder if it works for guys too. Are vaginal secretions are good for men? I bet it works both ways. So when I dip my wick, I am getting and giving mood altering hormones through the skin? WOW, placebo effect. Maybe I better go back to work before something happens. boing
Quote: Good line and do you think the absorption thing works for you or just knowing that someone wants you satisfies you. Medical or psychological or both JJ?
I'm sure that there is a large physiological component to my love of sex. I can certainly recall occasions from my youth when I had sex with men with whom I wasn't very strongly emotionally bonded and felt physically/emotionally excellent afterwards. Sort of like the feeling you might get after taking a swim in the ocean and then collapsing in the warm sand afterwards. I am very capable of enjoying sex just with the animal/physical part of my nature. I could probably even enjoy having sex with CeMar if he isn't lying about his body structure, as long as he didn't talk too much.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
It is largely physiological with me, too. I enjoy the emotional aspect of it but even in the absence of that, I would still seek out sex frequently.
Having said that, though, I doubt I could have sex repeatedly with someone I don't like. I could do it once but I most likely would not want to repeat the experience. I find it so much fun that I wouldn't want to sully my good memories of it by engaging in an encounter with someone who was a turkey.
I wonder how they came to that conclusion about the seeping in factor. Did they have a test group that had sex with condoms and compared it to the seep group? Interesting. I know I am in a much better mood the next day, for a variety of reasons, most of them physiologically based. I am also in a better mood after I eat so there must be a connection in HD people of mind-body happiness.
Reading what both of you wrote, a lightbulb went off in my head. I realize that for too much of my marriage I have viewed sex in just the opposite way - too often I want to feel good BEFORE sex in order to even think about doing it. That leads to all kinds of LD behavior that has been described by many on this BB, including squelching small flickers of desire, feeling like the household is too chaotic and I must get it under control before any sex, and resentment at H if I feel his contribution to the household has been inadequate. [Of course, there are always an infinite number of household chores to do before order is restored. Don't get me wrong, I am not a perfectionist, not Bree from Desperate Housewives. But mild depression and procrastination can keep that domestic order - and therefore also sex if order is a precondition - always out of reach.]
SO I have taken a 2 pronged approach on my own LD. 1) I am exploring my own enjoyment of sex. Why should H have all the fun? I remind myself that I have a right to feel good too. H wants more sex but we don't do it just for him - it's for both of us. I'm tatooing on my brain the slogan "I like sex". This focus on my own pleasure is very reinforcing. 2) From time-to-time I've hired a local college student to help with household chores for a couple of hours on the weekend. It is not so much that I want someone else to do it for me, but rather that working alongside someone else provides some structure and energizes me. (Somehow it doesn't work as well for H and me to work alongside each other - we are often at cross purposes - perhaps that's an item for our MC sessions). So that also improves my mood enormously and reduces some friction with H.
Doglover
HP wrote:
Quote:
I know I am in a much better mood the next day, for a variety of reasons, most of them physiologically based. I am also in a better mood after I eat so there must be a connection in HD people of mind-body happiness.
JJ wrote comparing it to a swim in the ocean following by lying on the hot sand.
There are many wise, empathetic and funny people here: you are my buddies - I'm grateful for your support.
Quote: Having said that, though, I doubt I could have sex repeatedly with someone I don't like. I could do it once but I most likely would not want to repeat the experience. I find it so much fun that I wouldn't want to sully my good memories of it by engaging in an encounter with someone who was a turkey.
I definitely agree. I was thinking more along the lines of a one-time CeMar as silent "stranger in the elevator" type encounter.
Quote: I wonder how they came to that conclusion about the seeping in factor. Did they have a test group that had sex with condoms and compared it to the seep group?
Yes. That's exactly what they compared.
Quote: I am also in a better mood after I eat so there must be a connection in HD people of mind-body happiness.
I think so too. Of course, I'm in an even better mood when I'm actually in the act of having sex or eating.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
DL, You know, I think that the majority of my sex drive, which is physical-based is due to the fact that I have identified myself as someone who likes sex, in the same way that I have identified myself as someone who loves water and music. Since I have already established that I like it, I tend to think about it and look forward to it. This is half the battle, imo. Thinking about sex--in great detail--how could it NOT arouse a person right! I do agree that I have a certain hormonal cocktail going on that facilitates such an attitude but I don't think it can be boiled down to strictly hormones.
And, like you said, a lot of is just personality..whether you are easy going or anxious. My anxious H has a hard time relaxing and mentally getting to the point where it sounds good, whereas extraneous chaos affects me much less. This is both good and bad. Good in the sense that my R doesn't suffer because there are dirty dishes but bad in the sense that I need H's structure to keep me in the service-doing mode so that my house does not become a pigsty. I have agreed (though this was never an 'outloud conversation' that we had) to keep the house as neat as I can in order to alleviate the inevitable stress that he feels if the place looks cluttered. Although this wears me out somedays, I consider it a fair trade. And understand that I am not literally talking about a "trade" that is just the best word I could think of while typing out a post and opening some string cheese. I think of it as something that gets him in the right frame of mind, much like I dim the lights and talk softly when it's bedtime so that my kids make the mental jump from being wild dogs all day to calm little girls ready to head off to bed.
