My creed is to never let anyone tie my hands (except for my friendly neighborhood Dominatrix (j/k!)).
Honesty b/t the 2 of you, fostered by you, is a necessary building block to friendship. I wouldn't go into worries/concerns - leave that for him to think about. Try to keep yourself in a positive place in his life, and don't let yourself get sucked into his family's chaos/drama too much. You have your kids to think about, and your GAL to maintain. But the welfare of SS14 is too important to let him get set up by his X.
I did it! I left ex a message to call me, which he didn't get until very late tonight.
But he called me and I told him about his ex's convo w/me.
Wow! Just like Gabriel says on his thread. Ex and I had a very interesting convo. He spent almost two hours on the phone filling me in on the whole sitch w/ss14. Some of the things she said were only half truths.
It sounds like she is in a panic over losing her son to his dad. She screwed it up, by wanting to give him up to the courts, but since ex won't sign off on him; she is now being watched by cps and may lose the rest of her kids. And she's probably trying to enlist my support against ex!
He rambled on for most of the entire convo. Hasn't made up his mind about how he is going to handle all this legal stuff. But says he has to try. I validated a LOT!
I also said if there is anything I can do to help, or just need someone to talk to, let me know! He kept saying thanks for this and for letting him know about her phone call.
And, I did mention to him my comment to her that "if we were still together I would take ss14 in a heartbeat!" (didn't really wrap this into an R talk, we just laughed and said that probably has her p!ssed!) Ex said she wouldn't even get on the phone when he called there tonight.
Since he unloaded quite a bit on me tonight, and he knows I'm here for him; we will continue working on the friendship! T
Nicely done! It likely wasn't easy to be there for H when he's dropping the ball for you, but you clearly demonstrated your strength by doing so. Sounds like you did a nice job validating as well.
Importantly, you didn't allow his X to split the 2 of you further. This will payoff big time in terms of trust.
Sounds like a very nice convo T, even if it is very complicated. Now sit back a bit and let it sink in with your ex. He'll draw his own contrasts between you and other women.
Just FYI, I did discuss some of these things with my date last night. She indicated that her H did the leaving...a MLC type thing with a 21 y.o OW. It was finally when she said "I've had enough" and truly gave up on it that he scuttled back. That and things fizzled with OW. He did the beg, plead, cry bit but all in vain.
My feeling, and anyone can feel free to correct me, is that for LB women that their walk aways respond to their wife when they have given up and moved on. For men that are left behind my sense is that their wives/ex-wives don't respond to pursuing, but also don't respond the same way to their LB husband moving on. Just my gut impression. It just seems I hear a lot of stories of the man suddenly "coming to his senses" a lot more than wives coming to theirs.
But whatever. Make sure he knows you are GAL. I think your tough love will help him see that he doesn't dangle you.
Good job T.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I think he would have talked even longer last nite if my phone hadn't started going dead. (have to keep s17 off it when I want to have these long chats!) I really think he needed to get some of this off his mind and I opened the door to that!
There was still a lot of history rewrite going on and some MLC type comments. But I handled that all in a dbing sort of way
(history rewrite) Me: Your ex says ss14 had behavior problems w/you. (truancy and bad grades) I told her that I didn't see any of that and she replies, it was after you left him. Ex: You were here the whole time. Me: I left for a month (really two!) to get back here and do some teaching! (I really had given up!) Ex: Well, you were here through most of the time and he didn't have the problems like she is saying.
(mlc comment) Ex: It would probably be much easier to just let him go. Paying support is easier than raising a teenager, I don't know what I am in for. I guess I will just be a deadbeat dad. Me: You are a great parent, and I know you couldn't do that. and besides, a deadbeat dad wouldn't even pay support and would disappear.
I did notice that we never once talked about our s8! I did send him off an email this morning (whenever we have had positive convos lately, I send him a thank you for calling, nice talking to you!)
....Oops, thinking of you this morning! I didn't get enough sleep here last night and then realized you must feel even worse! I lost all track of time while we were talking. Hang in there, ss14 will be ok through this, he's just as tough as his dad. Well, hope everything goes good at work today. Talk to you soon. T ....
Quote: Importantly, you didn't allow his X to split the 2 of you further. This will payoff big time in terms of trust.
I really have this gut feeling that that was her whole purpose for calling! Now, why would she be trying to split us apart if there was no chance of a R between ex and I? Hmmm!
Quote: that for LB women that their walk aways respond to their wife when they have given up and moved on.
I've seen this too, it has worked twice in ex and my R/M. But then we seem to just get back in the cycle and it ends up as not working again. I'm pulling back some, but just to keep an eye on the sitch.
Since that comment "why did we get divorced?" came up once in our convo and once in talking to my parents; I'm going to keep moving in that direction. Let him wonder why we did!
Quote: He'll draw his own contrasts between you and other women.
And have the contrast of me before and me after div!
GAL efforts: keeping up on the exercising. Put a few things on the web to clean out my old stuff and sold two books already. This time I am looking at it as an opportunity to share my stuff and if I make some extra $, that will be a bonus. Still working on the job issue. Applied to two more this am. And working on making a trip to Mich, if ex can't make it up here this weekend. T
T, it's the same sitch exactly with my X. We've even reunited a few times when I have lost all hope, then he gets too comfortable and we're back to square one.
It's how to break out of the cycle that's the big question.
My PMA took a dive today, and I'm puzzled over what set it off!
Shoot. Can't quite put a finger on it.
My mom had called yesterday and she was cool towards me. She seemed nervous and wanted to get off the phone quick, usually means she's mad at me over something! and I have no clue what it is!
I used up a lot of emotions yesterday by first waiting for ex to call and then divulging secrets.
I realized how close it is to my bday!
And I also noticed the calendar is ticking away on when to make a choice on ex. I was planning on waiting 6 month after div for him to show some signs of life. (he doesn't know this, no pressure!) At six months, I just planned to make up my mind to keep trying or move on. I have a few positive signs, but wondering if it's enough.
And, then, I keep thinking that if I did lose all hope on us, I could vent all my frustrations out on him. (and for some reason, I REALLY want to do this today!)
Oh, well. It's probably raging hormone levels and PMS.
Its great that you're aware and willing to admit to low PMA, and that you're trying different ways to boost it up.
Noting that your Mom's actions were triggering anxiety in you is big. I think most people bring their family's ghosts with them into M, with a similar behavior by a spouse leading to similar anxiety, for example, and perhaps being misread by the spouse, and so on...
Knowing that it happens, then nipping it in the bud, will help in a future R. I'm trying to do the same thing when I notice it in my interactions.
(j/k!)).
