Ours has been very complex, the reason most of my family says not to see the option of a new R w/ex!
And I did realize yesterday that I don't tend to put much of my history down here as he has found me on past bb's and used the info against me. But that doesn't really matter now!
Personal changes, I've still managed to keep at my optimal weight (i could still stand to lose 5# but everyone else says no!) and dress and keep myself in good shape. (other than cigs and caffeine, which I am still trying to kick! - how in the world did you give up coffee, Gabe?) But most of that is unnoticed since he hasn't 'seen' me in 3 months.
The PMA was good the last time we talked and I'm keeping focused on me and my kids, not him; so it should remain high.
There sure was a lot of info to digest yesterday after his ex’s phone call. And I will take most of it w/a grain of salt and try to keep an open mind.
She had said that they had a big argument the night before (over his not coming to court) and I see some of his motive of being nicer to me lately as not wanting two ex’s mad at him at the same time! And that could be the reason for some little white lies to me. To spare my feelings and his guilt. (I know I am analyzing his behavior here, but trying to figure out the right approach to the sitch!)
All I keep thinking about is how much of a downward spiral ex's life is going in, (IMO!) and will anyone even be there for him later on. I am thinking it is time to let go and see if he sinks or swims!
My concern right now is over s8 and ss14’s life. I am actually considering being a foster parent (something I’ve thought about many times and just figured my life w/h was too chaotic for that) But now I am going to focus on that and see if ss could come live w/me in the near future. (after I am settled w/job and a house) He shouldn’t be that much trouble for me, I know what he has been through (i've been around him since he was 3) and I've been through the teenage rebellions 3x already! And my sons know him and would accept him easily into our family.
And since I actually see more hope in ss than I do in Ex right now, I am just focusing on him. If I get the chance at having him, ex will take a back seat to everything. He needs to take a more active role in his k's lives and that will be something I want to see from him.
When we do talk this weekend, I won't let on that I know any of this, but I will make it clear again that s8 wants a visit and leave it at that. Cut the convo short and let him deal w/his problems.
Now I just need to figure out how to make a stable environment us that could include ss. Does anyone know how to become a foster parent? I'm off to look up that info! T
You rock with your ability to handle your situation. I agree with Gabe, keep working on getting that job situation settled and focus on you. Your ex does seem to be blowing in the wind right now and cant seem to do anything right. Let him twist in the wind and you keep making yourself strong.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Yoohoo!! I am still on a roll. Recieved two phone calls today on possible jobs and they are in Mich, approx two hours from my home town.
By the time I get a job and relocate to a place where I can show off my GAL efforts, my PMA will be so high I probably won't even care what ex thinks!
Now for the weekend. They always seem so long. I am going to start this one off by sorting out a bunch of stuff and getting some things arranged for packing and ebay. (I keep putting that off, I'm not sure if I'm reluctant to get rid of the stuff because of the memories) But it is time to get things down to just the necessities.
Of course, I may have to have another talk soon w/S17. He is in a whiny mood today saying we just can't move. I haven't brought up the possibility lately, but I'm sure he is aware of it since I have the interviews and call backs coming from all over. He has some friends here, and also misses a good friend from back in Mich, I think he just wants some stability. Which is what I want for all of them.
So here I am just taking my life one step at a time! T
PS. did you notice I only mentioned ex once in this post? oops, twice now!
Well, ex actually called me on a Saturday morning! But, then, I did instigate this one!
Showing just a little bit of tough love w/him for now. He had called this week and wanted to send money for s8's bday, I sent him an email yesterday saying 'no'.
So he called to ask why, and I said, s wants to see you and I'm not going to pick out the presents from you. I gave him lots of time to decide what to get him and to make plans for a trip, he said yes I did, he just can't make it right now.
But then he said he would try to make it yet this month. He was pleasant during the convo, and I was able to do a lot of validating w/his job sitch. His s20, who I sent a bday card to, was there and got on the phone to say thx, and I validated w/him also. (bonus point for me!)
But then ex had to go, working on the house today???? (this is something he has put off for years, so I'm wondering if it means something since he said it about 3x. I said I have to go too.
More tough love, he asked to talk to s8, and I said no, not today. The last call upset him too much and I don't want to see him upset today, he is having a good day. I think I upset ex tho!
He didn't ask anything about my job hunt, but was showing a little concern over if we were doing ok. Still very self absorbed, but seemed to be trying to make some effort on keeping things pleasant. (I heard his voice get nervous a couple of times!)
Overall, another good convo, and I was able to keep the visit from him focused entirely on our son. (didn't pursue at all, sorry, Wes!) I'll leave the pursuing until he actually makes it here!
Of course, by the time he ever gets around to coming, we may be back in Mich! (oh, and I did get the point across to him that if he plans to come up here, he better let me know since I may have plans already!) T
1. s17 is helping me set up a daily toning regimen to get in shape! (thx so much Gabriel (said sarcastically!) I mentioned the comment about working on my appearance and s said he would help. he went easy on me today but it hurts already!) I'll appreciate you both for this later, I'm sure!
2. keep the PMA high. focus on doing things that bring this up. I'll keep looking at the positive side of things and do things I enjoy in the meantime.
3. keep working on getting a job and shortening up distance for s8 to see his dad more regularly (I'm on a good roll here and will just keep working at it)
4. work on the communication problems w/everyone. I know this is something between ex and me, but if I can improve this skill w/others it will help w/him also. No more allowing my friends to make sarcastic remarks at my expense. (oops, I just did this to you, Gabe, can I take that back?)
That's about it for today, maybe I will add more this week!
I did call and talk to my atty's office yesterday about the div papers. She said they just received them. I really wanted to ask ex what was up on the delay, but I didn't. I'll save those ?s for another time when we are face to face. T
Excellent re your goals. No pain, no gain, huh?! What a great idea to get your S17 involved. I find that when I set a goal or make a change, telling or involving a few folks tends to make me more accountable, helping me to make it stick.
I have the same mindset re the communication skills. I'm practicing with others, and trying to demonstrate any improvements when I'm w/ W.
Hang in there during this D process, T. There will be a pressure release when/if its all said and done. From there, I hope he'll come around to build a friendship with you. And from there, who knows?
As for s17 being involved, this is all he loves to do! He works out every day.
We did have a little talk about an upcoming move. S17 kept trying to change the subject but I have managed to get it said. He just doesn't want to constantly be moving. I promised him that whatever job I do accept is going to have to be long term. I don't want to keep moving either. (of course, s17 will be gone in a year, so I don't know what he is so worried about!)
I had to stop back in here since I remembered something from ex's convo. I almost blew this off, but see it as another positive. He asked me if I had stock in Chrysler, (I played w/the market a few years back) but I said no, just some smaller companies now. He was wondering since it is gaining on his homepage and knows I set that up for him. So, he hasn't changed his homepage and it still reminds him of me! T
Ps. maybe I should go make some changes to that page? put in some more reminders of me? j/k
Yeah, the kids get soo worried about stability. And who can blame them. S5 is a huge motivator for me in terms of keeping things going well. When I see his worry concern about the future, I just remind him that Daddy is gonna keep working real hard to make things better.
Ha! In terms of his homepage, sure why not throw on a few pics of yourself! Or a link to updates regarding your career advancements! (kidding).
Quote: Ha! In terms of his homepage, sure why not throw on a few pics of yourself! Or a link to updates regarding your career advancements!
And some tips on self-improvement and how to communicate w/your ex! (Still j/k )
No real updates today, other than NO call from my parents this weekend. (strange)
I am pondering the ex's ex sitch and need any opinions on this. I have this feeling that she is trying to start something. The last time we ever talked was when ex served papers on me, and I called to talk to her about this. But she turned it around and called h behind my back and this upset him.
Since I am trying to rebuild the trust w/h, should I tell him about her call? When we were talking yesterday, I figured this info shouldn't be relayed by phone. And I may be answering my own question here, but I think that it is better not to keep secrets from him.
I'm not sure yet what her motive is in this, she may just be giving up on ss14 and wants him to suffer in foster care. But she may just be trying to come between ex & I to get her son back w/her. (she knew that him and I had a R talk a couple months ago. )
Any thoughts? I know mine is a tough sitch, but I would much rather have trust w/my ex than w/his ex-wife. But are there some things just left alone until we are in a closer R?
(said sarcastically!) I mentioned the comment about working on my appearance and s said he would help. he went easy on me today but it hurts already!) I'll appreciate you both for this later, I'm sure!
)