W- right! it's time to leave the ball in his court again. I felt so drained after talking to him, (the work to get a word in!) and feel like this is just going to continue to keep a strain going between us. S8's bday is just a couple of weeks away; he will be initiating contact by then. Of course, that is the reason for my edginess in this, our s really wanting to see his dad.
UD- yes I've seen the insecurity for a long time. and I keep telling myself that after he knocks me down like this; he usually goes back to a depression state and starts telling me how everything is rotten in his life. well, he may not this time, but that's usually the routine.
I just don't want to give him more to add to the 'can-do-no-good' image he has. He may have noticed that he was getting me upset. (voice cracked a couple of times when I said i'd let him go) but I didn't fall apart on him. I did end up sending him an email last nite just saying, 'I'm sorry I bothered you this evening.' which I really was, but don't know if that is against the db.
The weird thing to me seems to be the fact that he doesn't treat me like we are div. It's as if I don't exist most of the time. I guess that's just another way to rewrite our history!
I'm coming back up w/the PMA today. Just a little nervous over the interviewing and the need to 'wow' them. I'm off to get my hair done today, that should help. Spoil myself for a day!
Doing a lot of thinking about what I'm doing lately! Is that good or bad?
I've realized that maybe I am not validating ex properly. I do validate, but not in the ways he may want to hear or that is necessary to be a 180.
I am putting the convo about my career into the 'things that don't work' category. Let him wonder about it, and let him ask, but I don't need to brag and gloat over it to him. Too hard on his ego.
I need to work on being more attentive during his convos on the phone. He's calling for a reason, and I feel that part of it is to assuage his guilt over the div and separation from s8. Somehow I need to not carry that burden for him.
What I am trying to say is that most everytime he calls, he just wants me to reassure him that s8 is ok, which I do, and then he seems comfortable to not visit him. I have to change my tactics here and not sure how to proceed yet.
What I am thinking of is just to let the convos revolve entirely around ex, bring up things about his job, and his other kids and focus all my attention on him during the phone call.
Somehow, I think if I don't give him the reassurance that s8 is fantastic, he may come to visit him sooner. The guilt trip we tried to put on him last weekend didn't seem to get him up here, so we'll try something different.
Any comments? T
PS. Another 2 opportunities in Wisc have presented themselves in the past day!
The difficulty here is that you are trying to set goals that ex-H needs to fulfill and he will probably continue to stump you. It sounds like the goal (and it's an admirable one) is "I want H to take an active interest in and visit his son". You know what? If that was high on his agenda he would have done it. Telling him that son is doing fantastic is no replacement for seeing him. When I was a long distance from my kids I wouldn't have felt that hearing they were good would be enough. I had to see them myself.
Now there are possibly other factors involved...maybe he has no money to make the trip or time off from work. I never got the pressure you are trying to apply from my ex. She knew I wanted to see them and left me alone about it. Of course I made it clear I missed them and wanted to see them...something I don't sense from your ex. He is still in selfish mode. I don't think any kind of "guilt trip" is going to help.
For awhile you might have to accept that your ex is also a walk-away dad. He will come around on his own time or not at all. My suggestion is to only inform him of important events in your son's life that he has no way of knowing about, but to leave it up to him to otherwise find out how your S is doing, etc.
About the convos. I think you are right. For now you probably should just listen and not talk about yourself and your achievements unless he asks. Tell us. We'll be proud of you (and we are).
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I agree with all that Wes has said. And I also agree with the new approach that you are mulling over. You H has problems, typical of MLC. Trying to get him to respond to guilt will not work because he is overwhelmed by it and just does not know what to do. He is lost right now. You can keep him informed of your progress on job and such during casual references in the convo but he is in such a hugely selfish mode that you will do best to validate and support him. I read somewhere that when your spouse hits MLC it is like you are both thrown in swirling waters in a rapidly flowing river. You want your MLCer to hold your hand and both of you can then swim to safety. But your MLCer is so possessed with fear that he/she only thinks of her/himself. So your only recourse is to try to find a branch or something to hang on to for yourself, get secure and then shout out words of engouragement to them or even throw them a rope!
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Quote: Great news on the jobs. TY! I am excited and at the point where I have to start being selective. (Just don't want to dismiss the ONE)
"I want H to take an active interest in and visit his son". H wants to 'talk' to our s every weekend and I am going to end that unless s wants to talk. w/disability factors, it just upsets s8 to talk on the phone.
Now there are possibly other factors involved...maybe he has no money to make the trip or time off from work. these are the excuses I hear right now, but they just sound like excuses. I did mention that WE are meeting my parents to get the truck, so if he really wanted to see s8 he could have been the one to meet us!
I never got the pressure you are trying to apply from my ex. She knew I wanted to see them and left me alone about it. Of course I made it clear I missed them and wanted to see them...something I don't sense from your ex. He is still in selfish mode. I don't think any kind of "guilt trip" is going to help. I've seen him make the trip to see his other k's when their mom put pressure on him. but it sure wasn't comfortable for him. She would call constantly saying they were acting up, and he had to come straighten them out!
For awhile you might have to accept that your ex is also a walk-away dad. That's it exactly!
About the convos. I think you are right. For now you probably should just listen and not talk about yourself and your achievements unless he asks. I should have switched gears when I called him the other night, but will use the things he said for the next convo! Trying to learn as I go!
Quote: You want your MLCer to hold your hand and both of you can then swim to safety. But your MLCer is so possessed with fear that he/she only thinks of her/himself. So your only recourse is to try to find a branch or something to hang on to for yourself, get secure and then shout out words of engouragement to them or even throw them a rope!
And mostly all I do is succumb to the fears also. So my main focus is to get s8 and I onto secure footing and see what happens!
Postponed Minneapolis decision for two weeks! Actually, I have decided against that position for a) distance is farther from family (and ex!) b) this job is more programming than engineering and c) doesn't look like any opportunity to move up in that organization. They are still very interested so I said I would meet w/them in two weeks.
That will give me time to work on the other possibilities between now and then and build my confidence level as they seem so eager to get me in for an interview!
Second GAL effort: I'm cutting the strings from ex! I sent him out an email today detailing everything that I want packed up in the truck before it comes up here on Saturday. This includes my heirlooms left behind and the grad pics of my dd's. This should clear out anything from his house that will remind him of me. (bittersweet; but I feel this is a necessary step at this point)
One more small effort in the email: I asked if he would give me my motorcycle helmet. Since he has already sold his bike, there shouldn't be any problem in me having that. (and I sure wouldn't want someone else using it!) But I also dropped the hint that I may need it. This actually may be a big GAL to him, since I always said I was so afraid of riding those deathtraps. But someday I still want to take lessons and learn to get past this fear of them and since he never wanted to teach me; I will learn on my own!
Or find someone else to teach me! There are plenty of guys around here w/bikes! T
I should probably explain - Tier 1 means a company that supplies the Big 3 auto makers. And tomorrow I am interviewing w/a global company that has been around for years!
But one more thought to ponder (but I probably will blow it off until my next sleepless nite!) my dad called me tonite and said he talked to my ex. supposed to be discussing the truck, but instead they talk about ME! Dad said he asked H if we really are div, (I had mentioned to mom once that I didn't receive my papers) and H says he doesn't know why we ever got div!
And dad says that ex never cut me down during the whole convo w/him. My dad was impressed w/this but then tells me that they (mom & dad) don't see us ever getting back together.
I like the fact (if it's true) that I'm not getting slammed by ex anymore. No expectations here, but I see it as a positive step!
Ok, off to sleep before the big day, I'll tell all about the interview when I get back!
That's awesome what your XH said to your Dad! He let his guard down and his true feelings came out. But, don't put the cart before the horse. Know what I mean?
