That's a great idea. Short, to the point and no pointing out the negative.
I will wait to invite him for the day of bday, have to watch how to say that as it is pursuing him. (we live 400m apart) but I think I can put that as - if you want to spend weekend w/s, I can spend the time at d24's house.
...Hi I got your e-card for 's', I will save it for his birthday. Thank you, T...
A bit formal but appreciative. And yes, I have reminded him for years when his son's bday is (2days be4 mine!) and he usually remembers the other kids'. but I realized last nite that he never spent ALL day trying to get in touch w/them. Hmmmm?
I see from your previous posts that you are where I used to be a year ago, afraid to rub your WAS the wrong way with anything. That made me lose all my boundaries. And my WAW did not respect me anymore. She did start to respect me after I started placing some boundaries. Even now my boundaries are too loose and I am loathe to take a hard line on anything. My friends always have encouraged a much harder line but I am always trying to be much more giving and forgiving of my W. I dont actually know if that is what has put me in the situation I am in now (2 years of separation, my W still threatening D and not making any attempt to work on reconciliation). In your case, it would probably work to your advantage to regain your respect from your S. Getting your employment squared away will go a long way in this regard for starters. I have really been trying in the past month or so to keep a strong front and not letting my W take me for granted. It has been empowering for me and I have been able to detach from her better this way. In the final analysis I just cannot afford to be driven to insanity by her, for my sake and for the sake of my D3. Keep strong, dejavu. Become who you always were.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Quote: you are where I used to be a year ago, afraid to rub your WAS the wrong way with anything. That made me lose all my boundaries. And my WAW did not respect me anymore.
It seems like my ex and I have played this part of the game too much. Many things he says and does keeps me from standing up and getting the respect I should get. That's the reason for not talking to him just yet. I feel I have gained a good amount of self-respect within the past few days by not devoting all my time to his needs, anger, control. One day soon I will point out to him that if he would set a time for his call, I would be glad to speak w/him.
Quote: Keep strong, dejavu. Become who you always were.
TY, UD and you do the same for you. In being who I am, I may never have a chance at an R w/ex, but so be it. Only time will tell and I can wait. (who knows, he did say once that he isn't totally against getting back together. but i can only accept something when there is respect for each other)
Through the helpful services of amtrak, my parents and my d24, I am all set to claim the remainder of my stuff from ex in 2 weeks. This almost feels like I am doing something wrong by not including him in the process; maybe that's because it's a 180 for me to take charge like this.
I will still have to stand my ground if he wants to pull any crap on turning the truck over to my dad, but I will wait and see how it goes, he may surprise me and start being civil!
Since the bday mixup it looks like ex has went totally dark on me. No phone calls and we sent a daddy day e-card early this morning that still hasn't been picked up. No pressure or pursuing from me right now; just waiting on his next move patiently......patiently......patiently.............
Ex usually calls on Saturday to talk to us, even though he knows this is when we go to the library and grocery store. So w/this being f/d weekend, I got all the running done Friday and stayed in all day yesterday. Of course, no word from him.
By noon today, s8 was getting bored and we went out to the park. I sent a quick email to ex saying, 'don't know if you planned on calling us this weekend, 's' and I are off to the park this afternoon. Could you please let us know a time you might be calling? (tried not to sound like 'I' want him to call )
So, now we are back and he called twice but never responded to the email. I am not comfortable at this point to call him, even if it is f/d, since he told me a number of times in the past not to call his cell and use up his minutes. And he had the home phone disconnected.
Should I try harder to get in touch w/him for today? (sent a homemade card, an ecard and the email) Or should I keep this line drawn that he can give us a reasonable time he will call. I guess I am worried that I am being too dark, but I don't want to cross the line to pursuit.
Get the 2x4's ready, I called the ex! No pursuing, so maybe I am learning.
Actually, I called and got no answer. Then he calls back 10 minutes later. (hmm?) I put s8 on the phone right away, son didn't say much which is normal. Ex and I talked for a bit but he seemed in quite a hurry.
He said he didn't get any email since it wasn't working, I asked if he wanted help w/that and walked him through it. he said thx for the help and thx for the card. Apologized that he had the bday wrong, then he said he hadn't come up w/gift ideas but would look at the store this weekend. well..... I said could you fit in packing the truck too, since mom & dad can bring it out to me over the holiday? he said sure!
He did backtrack a little then and say he hasn't had a chance to really look it over like he had promised s17. I said that's ok, I can take it in to get looked at here. Then he 'really' had to get going.
That's how he said it too. oh, there was a 'how you guys holding up?' in the conversation and I just talked about s8 being off schedule. And there wasn't any spiteful remarks about how bad his life is now which is different!
Ok, maybe not a bad convo, but I'm not sure what to do next - it's almost like we're farther apart than ever. He did say he would talk to us soon. I guess I wait and see how that goes!
You are doing okay. It is not so much that you should not call. This is almost impossible if you have kids in the picture. But when you call you maintain PMA and focus on dealing with the kids. And you did well. You are slowly getting to a higher plane of PMA and self-assurance here and I hope you continue along those lines. The idea is not to let your XH have power/control over you and not to let negative energy build up in your interactions.
Note that his urgency to get away from the phone appears to come when he feels pressed, i.e. when the issue of his having goofed up with your S's birthday came up or when his being behind on your S17's truck came up. This is just a way for a man under intense internal stress to deal with a stressful moment (i.e. need to get away). But, that is his problem, not yours. You just need to stay calm and positive.
You are doing great with all the stuff that is going on in your life.
How is yourjob search going?
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Calling is fine. The convo sounds okay as well. Just be yourself.
I think you are spending too much time worrying about whether something you did or felt like doing was wrong. Nothing you do is going to completely ruin your chances of ever getting back together. If you do something that results in a negative then don't do it again. There are no rules.
I'm glad you worked out the truck situation. I agree with UD that his responses are probably related to being uncomfortable. He probably wants to keep using the truck and won't say so. Or maybe he trashed it out.
You're doing great T and your attitude is excellent. Keep it up.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
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