I never did get back w/the ? on how I was going to enjoy life!
Son is no 1 on that list and sometimes he can b a lot of work w/his disability, but I prefer to look at the positive side. We had a nice little interaction yesterday. (trying to get him into real everyday 'conversations')
me: what's your name? s: it's momma! me: no, what's your name? s: hello, I'm Joe! (from the kid's show) me: you're not Joe, what's YOUR name? s: hello, I'm Steve! (same show!) me: no, you're not steve, who are you? s: I'm 8!
That was correct so we left it at that, and I was laughing too much to continue! I enjoy every sound out of s since his first dx was speech and language delay and the neurologist said he would never talk! He actually chatters all the time now, just mostly to himself.
But other things I want to enjoy are a lot of those things that I didn't get to do much w/ex around. Watching tv (w/o channel surfing) reading, working on MY hobbies, and camping. (can't wait to do that this summer, s was eager to do that last year as a way to get out of the house - we would just go camp out in the backyard) this year I am only a mile from a very nice state park and it is only $20 to get a year pass and $8 to pitch a tent. Of course, I need to go find a tent!
My ? for today is if there are any ideas out there on father's day. If we go and buy something, ex will know that it came from me (ie. pressure!) and so son and I are making a great big father's day card. (It was leftover from class and is the other teacher's writing; not mine on it!) We will just add some stickers and coloring and I have a couple of school papers to enclose. Does this sound like a good gift to mail to him from son?
I don't know if that is 'zero pressure' tho! I'm hitting on what counts and applying pressure from son!
Quote: My ? for today is if there are any ideas out there on father's day. If we go and buy something, ex will know that it came from me (ie. pressure!) and so son and I are making a great big father's day card. (It was leftover from class and is the other teacher's writing; not mine on it!) We will just add some stickers and coloring and I have a couple of school papers to enclose. Does this sound like a good gift to mail to him from son?
Sounds like an excellent gift. But I wouldn't worry about purchasing a present if you want. Let you son pick it out if you want. All of our spouses know that for the most part none of the younger children have jobs and therefore the money of course comes from the ex. It came from you when you were married to. I've done this for years. When my kids were old enough to shop for themselves I still provided the money.
But that's not to say go buy something. The card sounds absolutely lovely and a great present. Just for your stockpile of possibilities, a couple things I've got in the past that don't seem like real pursuit are a coffee mug with the kids pictures on it and one year I got a calender with a different picture of them each month. That was great and very sweet of my ex. Just some ideas.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thx for the ideas! I think I will use the calendar one but wait till later. s seems to like using my camera (usually pics of his nose or eye, and three shots of the keyboard once!) so maybe when we go camping I'll put some shots together in a collage to send to dad. For dad's day, I'm going to stick w/card and school work this year. I've done the store bought gift from s so much he will probably see it as pursuit even if I don't mean it.
I am pondering another issue today and just getting myself upset, I think. I don't know if I have mentioned here that ex still has my truck and some possessions. Actually the truck belongs to oldest s17, (inhereted from his dad) and I wasn't going to let him drive through Chi-town w/it. Now I am stuck on getting it here w/o asking ex to drive it(he won't take the bus or train back). And I know that h is using it for his primary vehicle right now which is irratating me. I just don't understand why he wants to keep this stuff from us.
Actually, the reason I am pondering this is our soc sec cards are in my stuff back there and s signed his recruitment papers today and asked for it. We will probably go down to ss tomorrow and apply for replacement cards. But then it hit me: in one year, I will only have one kid left at home. So I figure it's time for me to have a MLC, ok all?
And it is almost the weekend again. I have made plans this week and am not going to wait around for his weekly phone call. So does that mean I am still in the gray or did I just go back to the dark?
Quote: I don't know if I have mentioned here that ex still has my truck and some possessions. Actually the truck belongs to oldest s17, (inhereted from his dad) and I wasn't going to let him drive through Chi-town w/it. Now I am stuck on getting it here w/o asking ex to drive it(he won't take the bus or train back). And I know that h is using it for his primary vehicle right now which is irratating me.
This is a boundary that you should be setting. I know it's difficult because you feel having the truck is helping him out. Can't you and your son drive over together and pick it up. Just call him and say you need it along with some of the stuff that you left behind like your social security cards. Or is this a very long ways away?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Ok, I am terrible at setting boundaries! The weekend phone call is one of them. (Why should I sit around all day waiting 4 ex to call when he could give us an approx time?) The truck is another. Ex knows that I don't approve of him using it but he keeps giving excuses on bringing it up here. I guess I enjoy having that 'tie' between us yet and I need to break it off. He would still have s8 as a reason to come visit. (even tho he hasn't made any commitments there lately!)
The truck is a long ways away-450 miles. S17 hasn't had enough experience driving to make that trip. I have put together a partial plan of riding the bus/train halfway and having my dad meet me since mom could follow and drive him home. it's summertime tho and they are constantly on vacation, but I will be asking them again this weekend when it can fit into their plans.
On a side note - I had a crazy dream last nite, well, early this morning when I did get a couple hours of sleep. I was just chasing and chasing after ex and he didn't even know I was there. I guess my dreams are telling me that I am still pursuing too much!
Well off to work on my resume again. Started revising it again yesterday and just not happy w/it lately. I've had a lot of contract positions in the past 3 years and can't seem to get hired full time anywhere now. If I don't include them it looks like I haven't worked much and when I do include them, employers think I am not stable enough!
I am going to post a quick update. Overall last week was good, but the loss of my job has knocked some of the spunk out of me. (Since unemployment was only going to be for two and half months I wasn't expecting to feel so low the first week!)
A lot of soul searching and life evaluation has brought me to a couple of new goals.
#1 goal: I deserve respect from ex and also need to learn to respect myself. When I have allowed him to disregard my boundaries was a mistake in the past and I will work on turning this around. This is difficult w/lack of contact; but I am looking for some ways to show this is going in the right direction.
Steps I feel are right is not honoring any of his contact over the weekend since I have requested a number of times not to call me 'whenever' and expect me to wait around for his call. Ex can start letting me know when he may call or allow me a time to call him.
The other matter is getting the truck and my stuff here. I will arrange this w/o him since he has had enough opportunities to handle this. (It's been 4 mos since we moved)
One other step I need to take is not allowing ex to keep me from GAL. But that leads me into
#2 goal: I'm getting back on track w/my career. This has been a tough decision that I have been wrestling w/for over a month mostly since it will affect both s's life. But I have to do this for me for the following reasons: A. To gain some financial stability B. To enjoy working again C. To reach for my dreams (owning my own house, a new car, vacations)
In my pursuit of this goal; I have to keep ex at a greater distance. The last interview I went on he called the night before and made me cry. I feel that he has always been too critical of me and therefore I couldn't/wouldn't reach for my goal. Maybe it is his ego trip (I could make more money than him) maybe it is me keeping myself from achieving more than him. Whatever it is, I will not inform him of pursuing this until I have something solid (job offer, move to new location, etc.)
So that is my day in a nutshell. This weekend seemed to put my PMA on a downward spiral and I am working hard at bringing it back up. I recieved one call (didn't answer) and one email (haven't replied) from ex. I'm going to just leave it at that until I have some of my confidence back. He will get a Father's Day card from s8 this week, so I'm not totally dark! Or am I? T
I am sorry about the loss of your job. Nothing like that to drop your PMA! BTW, I really like the way you are handling things in terms of setting very affirmative and positive self-improvement goals. You know what, I think that this may be the key for your sitch to turn around. Sticking with your personal goals and making things work for YOU rather than for XH will not only make you a better person, it will give him pause to see how you have changed.
"recieved one call (didn't answer) and one email (haven't replied) from ex. I'm going to just leave it at that until I have some of my confidence back." - Just wondering what the purpose is of going dark for YOU? I dont know, it seems like you have so little contact with your XH as it is, would it not be better to actually have some contact but to DB during it, i.e. - no pursuit, no pleading, be strong and independent and make sure that he knows you are GALing and pulling your life back together without him in it. I feel that I have played the going dark game in the past to absolutely no effect. What has worked for me is to actually maintain sufficient contact, but to work on myself, keep a high PMA and be positive. I dont know, perhaps the going dark business is not working for you? I for one dont believe in going dark as a way to entice a spouse back. But if you are doing it to detach and put yourself back together, it may not be a bad idea altogether.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Had a reply to your post, UD and s8 bumped me off the comp. I really need to get his system back on the internet!
Quote: But if you are doing it to detach and put yourself back together, it may not be a bad idea altogether.
This is an excellent way to state it. I am not really trying to be dark w/ex, it has been his choice to limit the contact. Once he moves into a measure of relating to me that fits into some form of respect to me as a 'person' (no yelling at me in emails or on phone, giving us more than one chance in a week to talk to him) I will show him appreciation for that effort.
I did a major dbing effort towards the end of the div. From Oct 04 to Mar 05. Ex even commented a few times how positive the changes were, but then would state that he didn't believe they would last. Those are good memories for me and I think the effect of them will continue as I make more positive GAL changes.
I chose not to answer the email since 1. it was during the weekend; 2. was argumentative; and 3. implied pressure to talk on phone to discuss s8. As soon as I can put together another nice friendly letter (w/NO pressure) I will reply. And maybe I should state something about his anger/sarcasm in it?
If I look at this being a MLC; he may just need some space and I'm going to step back and allow that. I'll keep you posted! T
"And maybe I should state something about his anger/sarcasm in it?" - I dont know if that would have the necessary effect (that you are hoping for). I think that you can impose boundaries without feeding into the negative energy of the situation. Pointing out to him his own failings will not have any effect whatsoever. WAWs, especially MLCs, are so ego-centric, they will never take any criticism constructively. Just my 0.02. Keep reporting positives from your end. Keep developing positives from your end. Extremely hard to do, but those are the cards we are given.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Quote: "And maybe I should state something about his anger/sarcasm in it?" - I dont know if that would have the necessary effect (that you are hoping for).
Sorry, I was venting my frustration here! I'll just keep my thoughts from ex and in a couple of days I will send him an email on s and keep it light and positive. (Ex has stated that I cannot call him, and I will abide by that unless he changes his mind; which is entirely possible!)
I need to keep focusing on my goals and this has been difficult today. Can't find any of the contacts that I networked w/in the past and sons are driving me nuts. T
Cute!
So I figure it's time for me to have a MLC, ok all? 
