Starting a new thread since I am going to follow the lead/advice of other members here and not go totally dark w/ex-h. The only thing it brings is less interaction w/him and more moving away from the ultimate R.
My goals are (in summary) 1. Keep a positive interaction going w/h. 2. Not to let the anger/negative emotions get between us anymore. 3. Move forward on GAL 4. Enjoy s's little achievements and involve ex in these. 5. Enjoy life! As I said it is just a summary, I need to revisit the small steps to take in reaching my goals.
I am really wanting to send xh a text message or email today to remind him that we want him to come for a visit. Maybe a greeting card saying 'I'm thinking of you'?
And in conclusion: I am thinking of adding one of these as a signature, but would appreciate comments first. (are they too negative based?) A. Doubts are only by-products of insecurities and fears. B. To let go of the anger might allow a feeling of love to take hold.
Have been following your posts for some time. Your goals sound very good but there is something that you may want to consider. Can you figure out a way to apply ZERO PRESSURE on your XH? I.e. never ask him for anything. For example: "Maybe a greeting card saying 'I'm thinking of you'? " is too pursuing and could just lead to more and more disappointment for you. I have been there done that. I dont know if you can adopt yet (it takes time to get to that place mentally) a model where you can display any pursuit at all. It seems to me your best bet is to really work on your goals with vigor and email him only when absolutely necessary and when you do that be upbeat and positive. This will hopefully draw him to interact with you of his own volition. Right now, it appears that you have to work so hard to get any attention from him. I have done a lot of pursuing in my time of separation (2 years) and eventually my W would cave in, but it was all guilt on her part, not desire to get back to an R. And anytime the pressure mounted even the slightest bit my W would back-track. I think Wes' case is sort of unique on this forum, where pursuit seems to work, at least it does not seem to push his W away. But, by-and-large pressure and pursuit will have effects entirely opposite to what you want. You want to get to a strong, independent, happy place on your own, for yourself and only then will your H move towards you. Believe me, I have made these mistakes over and over and only now the truth is getting into my thick head. It is so difficult with children. You want so much for them to have a normal family. The way I got over that mental hurdle was by saying to myself, by applying pressure and acting on behalf of my D3, I was gaining my W's reluctant compliance in the short-term but I was ruining everything in the long-term. And so, now I am doing the "lovingly distance" thing and GALing etc for myself as well as my D3, but with a long-term perspective. I feel so much for your pain. I wish you the best.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Quote: I am going to follow the lead/advice of other members here and not go totally dark w/ex-h.
I hope you aren't following my lead. I might be a little too indefatigable in my pursuit. Although I definitely advise you not to go totally dark. More like gray and then lighten up if things are going in a good direction.
I like your goals. How are you going to enjoy life? Know what I recommend? Read Fahrenheit 451 then even the birdies chirping and the smell of grass just mowed might be enough to enjoy life. Of course you have a child and they can always be a source of gratification.
Quote: I am really wanting to send xh a text message or email today to remind him that we want him to come for a visit. Maybe a greeting card saying 'I'm thinking of you'?
In my opinion...No to both. That's too much pursuit even for me. I think reminding him that you want him to visit is too much and may in fact be implying that he should be seeing his son more (which he should be, but you don't want to say that) And "thinking of you" is a little obvious pursuit. Start out with at least some excuse to talk to him and drop in a sweet sentiment then. You've got this b-day present ideas going...drop in a compliment in regards to his idea or thank him sweetly for getting back to you. Reply to his recent e-mail saying "thanks for getting back to me so promptly or hope you have better luck with ideas that me". Maybe ask his opinion of ideas that you have already come up with. I don't know...this is your H..what can you say that will give him a boost but not be completely transparent? You know how big of a pursuer I am, but I still try to limit myself to finding an excuse to call (today it was..."I didn't know your aunt was in the hospital..did you?"...yesterday.."good luck on your test"). Even I don't go the route of "thinking of you" or "missing you".
Your H is in a different town isn't he? If so that makes it harder to ask for a few little favors here and there. And harder to even pursue subtle-like. Just try a few very small things that are not transparently pursuit and then wait and see for a day or two...then repeat with a new excuse. Just my .02.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Ok, I wasn’t talking about just Wes’ situation even though I hope to get to that point again someday. What I meant to say this morning is that I will not initiate the contacts, but will not be totally unavailable, either. Nice semi-dark shade of gray here!
A synopsis of where I am standing: He calls every weekend, but will not let me know when he will call. It is usually a very tense phone call telling me this is wrong, that is wrong, etc etc etc. After a few minutes of venting, he will usually ask how we r doing and the convo gets much better. I have learned to just not say anything while he gets this all out, then we can talk about son. I have tried to initiate some calls, but he will put me off.
I gave up everything in the div except full custody. I could have split all the debts w/him (at the sum of 50k), made him sell the house to give me my equity and got him for half the possessions he owns(a complete workshop and a '01 Harley). I couldn't do that. I even gave back half of his c/s money for a couple of months after the div was final, which for our son's sake, I just can't do that anymore.
Sometimes I don't know why I do want any type of R w/him since he vents so much anger. But then he will turn around and be really sweet.
We actually were having the type of R as Wes, for the first month post-D. Then something changed and I have no clue as to what it was since I am so far away. I know that he has had to sell his bike and since he didn't want any of the debts, no one has paid on them and that is still on his credit report. The cc company doesn't want to take him off since he has a secure income and I don't.
For now, I need to keep focussing on ME! Today was such a great day, very high PMA, and that was partly why I wanted to send him a card. But maybe I should have been looking for one that says, 'na na na na; '
It's hard when I can't share the good times w/ex. T
I am back here already since I do need to share my good day w/someone out there!
Today was the last day of school for the district e/c and se classes. I've been working as a one on one aide in the e/c class for the last 3 months and the little boy I have there is such a sweetheart. Today he showed me every sign he has learned and even caught onto a new one quickly. We had so much fun today. I can't even really call this 'work'.
I'm waiting until morning to get busy on finding summer jobs. I am just enjoying the moments I had today. And here I was almost dreading today since I won't be seeing most of the kids next year.
I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you. I dont know if you have considered if your XH is in a midlife crisis or not. His anger seems to indicate that there may be that aspect to your problem. If so, I highly recommend some books to you: Understanding the mid-life crisis by Peter O'Conner and the midlife books by Jim and Sally Conway. The first one is very secular and the second one a bit religious. But boths of them helped me understand a great deal about what my wife's mindset may be.
"It's hard when I can't share the good times w/ex." - Oh, yes, I completely understand where you are coming from here. It is extremely sad.
Hope you continue to have good days.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Does the midlife crisis last for more than two years?
Yes, I do believe that is a major issue here. (there were signs of an affair also, but that died off a year ago) I don't remember O'Conner, not to say I haven't read it, but have read the books and chatted w/Conway. Time to refresh and add those books to my summer reading list!
The bike was a big deal in h's life. I really didn't want him to have to let it go, but he was more involved w/it than anything else. Of course, that brought a whole new collection of 'friends' that work at a custom shop, so it probably won't be long before someone pieces one together for him.
Keeping in mind of an MLC; I sometimes wonder if that is why ex wants to keep me at a distance, therefore I'm not getting a constant barrage of all the drama he incorporates into his life now. And then his ego has always been a problem (doesn't like me to earn a better income than him) and where I live now that is definitely not a possibility! Even tho that would relieve him of the high amount of c/s??!!
I still am pleased w/email he sent yesterday and I just realized another reason why. He said to tell 's' he loves him! ex has not said that in over six months, not even when he came up to visit him-he wasn't allowing s to bond w/him. hmmm!
From what I know MLCs can last for years until the man/woman figures out things for themselves. There are some informal timelines on the midlifeforum website (3-5 years). O'Connor writes very well and from a psychological perspective and really explains why men have MLCs. I think Conway has a less cerebral take on it but his book was helpful as well.
It is a tough road to be on. I wish you well today.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
It sounds like the bike angle might be useful. You really cared that he had his hog. That's sweet of you. Is this something you have in common? If so, maybe you can share something about bikes with him. Maybe you saw one like his old one and "just wanted to call and tell you about it." Just keep the things that are important to him in mind if you get stuck as far as conversation or if you really need an excuse to initiate. I will call or e-mail my ex to relay something that I know she would find interesting. Keep it short though. Lets them know you care about their interests (if you do care about them).
Don't know anything useful about MLC. Better read up about it though.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I've been having a pretty good day today considering. Dealing w/creditors which is sssooooo much fun! They won't bend at all, but I don't have any room to give in so eventually something will have to happen. My credit score isn't too terrible (somehow I gained 15 points - only paid off one bad debt and everything else is still in collections) but I am looking at the positives (600 is within sight!). I think I can still get out of this w/o a bankruptcy. The one agency I tried to talk to had said I would be out of collections in 6 months (which is this months payment) but now they are saying 12 months. On my credit report it doesn't even say I have been paying and I don't think that's fair.
Wes, I liked his bike to the point that it helped w/his identity. (That's a sad analogy, but true) It's a bittersweet memory now; when he first bought it everything else took second place and somehow it came w/new friends! Personally, I'm scared to death of the thing; but I told him that and asked him a few times if he would teach me to ride. The last time we discussed it was after our argument (the one that brought me here - I brought up the R talk!) So as a peace offering, I sent an ecard that night asking if he would pencil me in for a ride this summer. That's when he told me he sold it and not very nicely! But since I live in a state that manufactures them, I should be able to bring up the subject again sometime. He always liked the fact that we have a 'no helmet' law here. And I still hope to work there someday, it's on my top 5 list of companies I would enjoy working for. hmm. Maybe I should go check the job postings again!
Overall, a good day still. I got up this morning thinking I might just be ready to move on but instead I just put ex out of my mind as much as I could for the day. (credit stuff reminds me of him, which I noticed that my report says I am still married? hmm. I'll ponder that another day.) Enjoyed son today and worked on GAL.
Of course you have a child and they can always be a source of gratification.
' 
