Valentine's Day Massacre - Our Lips Are Sealed

[Underdog]

Ellie,

Okay, you've given some really useful information here...

No, I don't think he has any sense that I am afraid of depending on him financially.

Would you be amenable to sharing your fears with him? Not as a means to point out the obvious, but intimacy building?

I tend to be easy-going, things seem to matter more to him than to me - so I guess he thinks if he just pushes enough, i will accomodate him here too.

Perhaps it's all in how you disclose your fears and not the act of being "mean mommy who doesn't let H have his way"? Maybe even offering to find a way of prioritizing his dream but asking for some time and patience to execute it? Give him what he wants but ask for some consideration and reasonable time to put the wheels in motion?

He wants to be relieved of his depression, and his underlying drive to always make things "better" comes from his inability to enjoy the now. I really think the outcome he wants is to recapture that happiness he felt on vacation. At least this time, instead of an affair with a woman, he's having an affair with a piece of land!

Looks like you just summed up the garden variety of our spouses/former spouses here! Too bad he can't figure out that the trouble isn't with getting what he wants but figuring out why he thinks he wants that... (no answer necessary, just a musing.)

but I can see now more clearly how he cycles from high to low, how those swings widen as he gets older,

It's good that you see this seriously.

2) Have you ever thought about giving up the role of being the family accountant and turning it over to him? Just saying, "I quit. You do it." Sometimes that needs to happen so the less financially responsible party can really see what comes in and what goes out each month. (Another possibility would be to hire a real accountant to manage your family finances [sounds like you could] and let the professional be the bad guy -- removes you from the "mommy" role.)

You know, for the very first time, I have been thinking about doing that. I always preferred being the accountant, because I am detail oriented and good with figures, and I liked knowing where things stood. H, when I met him, didn't balance his checkbook, just spent until it was gone, then stopped spending - shoulda been a clue, huh? Don't get me wrong - he's really not a spendthrift - he was always perfectly capable of not spending when money was low. He just didn't like having to keep track of it. With menopause, I find that things make me anxiousnow that never used to, and I wouldn't mind if he took over now - although then I'd probably worry whether he was doing it right! I think the solution lies in making him sit down with me every month to see just where the money goes.

Yes, this is exactly how it worked out in my house as well. He didn't see my gesture of giving him the finances as magnanimous... but retaliation for not listening to me. There are better ways to get him to own responsibility, and I'm guessing your thoughts about including him while you're paying bills is a better one.

and in order for it to be really worthwhile for me to go back to work, I need to see a good return on my time investment.

Ellie, sometimes doing things for ROI just isn't good for us. Can we appeal to your conservative nature by possibly entertaining an idea that might bring you some joy and help bridge his discomfort.. if only in the short term?

You're awfully good at thinking outside the box... I think if you pop the lid, you can see the value in doing a 180? How about some private tutoring at your D's HS?

Betsey