While I can certainly understand your fear here, is it possible that you're outwardly showing signs that he can see and read that seem to be encouraging him to force a hand he understands isn't going to work?
No, I don't think he has any sense that I am afraid of depending on him financially.
I know you mentioned that you've calmly shared your POV with him and he's seemingly unwilling to take your position into consideration. (Yes, there is something really disconcerting about his saying he heard you and agrees with you but is going to do it anyway...)
Yes, it's unusual for him, I take it as a manifestation of his mild mania.
Why do you suppose he's choosing to engage you in a dynamic which didn't work in the past?
Well, I don't know that it didn't work for him in the past. I do think I have tended to accomodate him a lot in the past - I tend to be easy-going, things seem to matter more to him than to me - so I guess he thinks if he just pushes enough, i will accomodate him here too.
If you could cut to the chase and take a guess at the outcome he really wants, what would that be?
He wants to be relieved of his depression, and his underlying drive to always make things "better" comes from his inability to enjoy the now. I really think the outcome he wants is to recapture that happiness he felt on vacation. At least this time, instead of an affair with a woman, he's having an affair with a piece of land!
What was different when you did trust him, Ellie? Or have you not fully been able to get there yet?
What was different when I trusted him? He hadn't had his breakdown yet! Now that I know how severe his mood swings can get, I worry about the possibility of a recurrence. It's not anything about his behavior - I trust his intantions, our R is good - but I can see now more clearly how he cycles from high to low, how those swings widen as he gets older,
1) If he is really hell-bent on the Baja property, would it be possible for him (or you for that matter) to just have him go ahead and finance it in his name only and have him be responsible for the payments out of his own pocket?
No, his is the only income right now, everything goes into the same bank account, any money he spent would come out of money we need for college and other things.
2) Have you ever thought about giving up the role of being the family accountant and turning it over to him? Just saying, "I quit. You do it." Sometimes that needs to happen so the less financially responsible party can really see what comes in and what goes out each month. (Another possibility would be to hire a real accountant to manage your family finances [sounds like you could] and let the professional be the bad guy -- removes you from the "mommy" role.)
You know, for the very first time, I have been thinking about doing that. I always preferred being the accountant, because I am detail oriented and good with figures, and I liked knowing where things stood. H, when I met him, didn't balance his checkbook, just spent until it was gone, then stopped spending - shoulda been a clue, huh? Don't get me wrong - he's really not a spendthrift - he was always perfectly capable of not spending when money was low. He just didn't like having to keep track of it. With menopause, I find that things make me anxiousnow that never used to, and I wouldn't mind if he took over now - although then I'd probably worry whether he was doing it right! I think the solution lies in making him sit down with me every month to see just where the money goes.
3) I don't recall what your previous line of work was. Perhaps if you could share some of that, we here could help with a little brain-storming session for some work-from-home options.
I'm a family physician, I worked part-time in urgent care for years when my kids were smaller. I really don't want to go back to direct patient care, though - I really enjoyed it at the time, but the pressures now to see patients so quickly are uncomfortable. Patient education is my love - I feel there is so much information out there that doesn't reach patients. I've looked into being a "medical coach" online, but there are insurance obstacles I haven't worked out yet.
Don't get me wrong - he's really not a spendthrift - he was always perfectly capable of not spending when money was low. He just didn't like having to keep track of it. With menopause, I find that things make me anxiousnow that never used to, and I wouldn't mind if he took over now - although then I'd probably worry whether he was doing it right! I think the solution lies in making him sit down with me every month to see just where the money goes.
