How to GAL when SP is jealous/trust is broken??

[heatherg]

Thanks for your honesty Anna. Although it doesn't give me much hope that H is ever going to forgive while I am here and trying.
Do you suppose there is a way to make him feel that he is losing me without me actually having to leave?

It doesn't sound like you really like the person your H is

There are lots of things I dislike about my H. But aside from that, my hatred for him mostly stems from the way he's treated me and/or made me feel. It seems childish to dislike someone just because they dislike you. But I can't seem to help it. Anna's word is great, peripheral. That's how I feel. That's how I've always thought H has regarded me. I don't think he's ever validated a single thing I've ever said if it concerned negative feelings about something he had done or was doing. And I think I could count on one hand the number of times he has told me he was sorry in 13 years. He's never groveled like I have. He never makes the first move. He's always the punisher and I'm always the one to reconcile. I cannot hold a grudge and I'd rather be happy than sad, so I never focused on the hurtful stuff for very long (like the pornography). I'd find it, be hurt, be upset for a day and forget about it. Quite literally.
Everything H has done to be a better person, he has done since we've had kids and he did it for them. Like mowing the lawn. I was always embarrassed by our lawn b/c he would NEVER do it. It would literally be a field before he would mow it. I was working full time, going to school and in a sorority so my free time was nil to do it myself and we were broke so I had no money to hire anyone. We bought our house when I was 20 years old but I've always been embarrassed to have people over because it's never been finished, etc. There's no reason for it, between us our incomes are way more than many of my friends or relatives who have nicer homes. Now that we have kids, he mows the lawn every week b/c they play outside a lot.
He used to stay up way way late into the night drinking and doing whatever and then sleep half the weekend away so I would wait around for him to get up so we could do something. I'd get frustrated waiting. I'd try everything from waking him up with a smile to vacuuming his room whatever. He never cared, I would just be "picking a fight" which always left me feeling like I started it and and his behavior never changed, in fact, it was a great reason to continue sleeping b/c I was being such a "bitch". Now that we've had kids, he gets up MUCH earlier b/c he doesn't want to miss too much time with them.
He used to drink 6 nights a week. He's cut way back over the years, but made one of his biggest changes just recently when he realized drinking could affect his ability to get custody of his kids. So he changed. For the kids.
I could go on and on, there are soooo many memories and so many incidents. But it all leads to the same conclusion. I could fall off the face of the earth and would never know if he really gave a damn.

BUT, my H is the father of my children and there is only one of those. There are tons of guys out there, all with their own set of flaws to mingle with my own, but at least I could feel loved again. But they wouldn't be the father of my kids and he would never have a vested interest in the decisions that have to made regarding them.
If it were just me and H, I can tell you without a doubt, I would be living in a condo on the beach by MYSELF. I'm having so much trouble sorting through what the right thing is to do, but this site helps me tremendously.
Thanks for listening.