How to GAL when SP is jealous/trust is broken??

[heatherg]

what if you took this one situation (taking the kids in the morning) and tried to do something different with this one thing

I do see what you mean. I've thought about this. Ultimately though, I decided that I cannot do a 180 where my kids are concerned. On a R issue, I could try it. But I see this as much, much more than just a R issue and there is too much at stake on this one for me to back down.

Sorry, if you felt I was picking on you. And I'm not taking his side either. Just wanted to put something out there that might help.

I tend to get defensive, I'm sorry. I'm trying very hard to learn how to trust myself and my feelings. I feel like to describe my R with H, it cannot be done in one post. So if a person such as yourself reads one post, it may appear that I'm WAY overreacting to something. If you read other posts in my thread and you still think I'm overreacting to this, PLEASE tell me.
Mollie, thanks for your time and your thoughts. I appreciate it.

I am seeing you as scared that your kids S4 mainly prefers your H.

This is simplified for how I feel now, but it does describe how I used to feel pre-affair, i.e. pre-really, really hard times. Particularly before D2 was born, there was just a general feeling of being left out, wishing I had that connection with S, never being quite sure if I was a good Mom. I always thought that there were things H should have done, as a good father, to encourage the bond with me, but I didn't push anything. For instance, my S would never allow me to put him in or get him out of his car seat if H was around. This is a little thing and is really something that should not have been catered to I didn't feel. I don't think we necessarily had to make the kid cry and say Mommy is getting you out, period. But H could have said "S4, that's silly. Mommy can get you out of your seat, daddy's tyeing his shoe" or WHATEVER. Just SOMETHING. But it was never that way and like I said, I never pushed it. I would express my feelings to H and he would just say that I shouldn't take it personally, they just have a "special connection".
Then, when I told H about the affair and for the first time ever, he purposely kept my kids from me. First he threw me out of the house and if I came by he wouldn't let me rock or dress or feed them. That didn't continue for too long, because at everyone's advice I came back home. But then for a couple weeks after I came back home, he would be gone with the kids when I got home from work and wouldn't answer the phone or tell me where they were, etc. All of this made me realize that the one IMMEDIATE change I had to make in myself was to be a better mother. That feeling of losing my kids was enough to make me realize that I had not been trying nearly hard enough with S4 and I needed to start playing swords and learning what being a little boy was all about. I'd never been good at "playing" and it was time I learned!!
And it had a really, really positive effect. S4 was really responding.
I recall H saying two things to me during this time. The first was really soon after I came back home(I was gone less than a week by the way). He was crying (I have RARELY seen this kind of genuine emotion from H) and he said he felt like I was trying to take his kids away from him. I was crying too and I looked at him and said I would never do that, confirmed that he was a good dad and the kids needed him as well as me.
The second thing I recall him saying was a while later and he said maybe if I had been this person before I cheated, he could see us working, but now he didn't know if it was possible. That indicated to me he was happy with the changes I was making as a parent. I was never a bad parent at all, but I would clean or talk on the phone or not want to get dirty or wet, blah blah blah. I just needed to loosen up that's all, so I did and it's an ongoing effort even now.
It just seems that as time has gone on, H has become adamant that I not have time alone with S4. H has set the tone in our house that mommy is for D2 and daddy is for S4. S4 has said that many, many times and I am the only one that corrects him.
I seem to have no authority with S4 either. I think he stays up way too late. For the first 4 months after I told H about the affair, he slept in S4's bed with S4. His family finally talked to him and told him he needed to stop, but S4 usually crawls in with H during the night anyway. They have a "deal" of sorts that I disagree with that somehow allows S4 to sleep with daddy.
One day when we were having a pretty calm discussion, H expressed to me that he didn't get enough alone time with S4. I said "what do you mean, you have time with them every day before I get out of work, you take them to the park all the time". He said, "no, I mean just with S4. D2 requires a lot of supervision and I don't get to spend quality time with S4 when I've got both kids" I said "well take him for ice cream some night or to the "game store". I've never had a problem with you spending extra time with S4". That very night when I got home from work S4 announces to me that him and daddy are leaving for "boys night out". Without explicit discussion with me, H implemented boys night out every single thursday night where he and S4 go out together to play video games or whatever S4 wants to do. Sounds great on the surface doesn't it? But this is the man who won't give me ANY alone time with our son, I try to be supportive and reasonable and he goes way overboard in my opinion. I was thinking more of an occassional bonding time, not an every week, all evening type thing.

And you are fearing a loss of your children and there need or want for you

Short answer is yes. But from what I wrote above, I hope you can see that this fear comes from a very real effort on H's behalf to limit my contact with S4 while increasing his own.

Question is H always home when you are with the kids. After work it appears so if he always picked them up. What about weekends? Does he ever work on Sat go off with friends to fish anything?

He usually gets out of work earlier than me. The guy never seems to work quite honestly. I don't know how he gets away with it. But anway, he usually picks the kids up around 4 and I don't get home until at least 5:30, so every day they have alone time together.
H does not have any outside hobbies or friends. I'm not being sarcastic here, he just doesn't. He believes every minute of his life should be spent with his kids. He is a night owl, always has been and he is a loner. He gets time for himself late at night while the rest of us are asleep.

Hopefully this long post (sorry!) helps explain my fears a little more and why I think my fears are valid and why I feel I need to keep fighting H on this as opposed to caving or doing a 180 in this area.

Thanks guys!

PS, looks like I have to start a new thread soon....apparently when they get this long, they lock or something....?