How to GAL when SP is jealous/trust is broken??

[heatherg]

I'm feeling very hopeless, at the end of the work day I dread going home. I'm so excited to see my kids, but being at home is difficult for me these days.
Yesterday when I came home from work, H was parked in my parking space in the driveway, which is the space closest to the door. I've always parked there b/c it is easier to get the kids in and out of the car. This appears to be H's way of solidifying the fact that he will be taking the kids from now on.
I fear that he's trying to take my kids away from me. I know that's impossible and that my kids are always going to love me regardless of who takes them to daycare, but I don't think there's a greater fear than that of a parent afraid of losing their child.
I wonder if I'm just being paranoid. If H asks the kids who they would rather go with and they say Daddy, then do I have any solid grounds to feel controlled by H? The kids are making the choice right? Maybe I just need to look at this as a mini-vacation. The kids have chosen to go to daycare with their dad from now on and I get to sleep in an extra hour in the morning.
But that's a lie. That's not how I feel. I can try to weave a different story to make myself feel different, but the story flops every time.
Am I making myself a victim?? I always feel like I'm losing my mind. To do this or that, feel this way or that, look at things through my eyes or his eyes, heart vs head.....I'm at a loss. I've never felt so utterly hopeless, that there was something I tried so hard to do but just couldn't. I've always been a doer. A right now kind of doer, I never procrastinate. This situation tests every limit I can think of. I feel like I'm trying to control my pain reaction while I'm standing in the middle of a fire.
And, ok, if you haven't guessed already, I'm starting to see in myself that I am highly emotional. My hormone test results should be in next week and I'm quite curious to see if my feelings are really my feelings or if something is out of whack.
Some people will tell you to give yourself permission to feel the emotions you feel. You have a right be hurt, angry, whatever. I guess the key is the way you process those emotions and whether or not you allow yourself to ACT on them? There must be a difference between being hurt/angry and acting hurt/angry?
God, you'd think I was born yesterday.
See, if I listen to myself and actually do what I think I should do, I would be living in a little home paying rent out the ying but loving my freedom. Not freedom to be single, freedom to think and BE and be allowed to be with my children in an unrestricted manner. I would be retaining primary custody of my children and moving on with my life. Everything in me tells me that I have to get out of the fire and give H space and time to decide what he wants.
But I can't make myself move. I'm terrified. I argue with myself. I ask people for endless advice, as though their opinion has more validity than my own. Being on my own isn't what I want, and people on this BB have told me if it's not what I want then don't do it. But neither is the way I'm living what I want. Does that make any sense at ALL????? Am I a spoiled brat who cannot live with the consequences of her actions? I have a devils advocate inside of me that won't quit.