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The TV volume, who takes the kids, the karate class issue, the "controlling" statements, his physical reactions... these and others yet to come are all manifestations of what really ails him



The obvious answer would be that my A is what ails him. But H has had control issues since the day we got together. But I was 17 and had no self esteem whatsoever and quite frankly needed some "discipline" in my life. At the time, we filled each others' needs. But as I developed into my own person, the control thing hasn't worked so well. Right down to the physical reactions~this is nothing I haven't seen before. It's been many years, but I've definitely seen it before. So, my point in saying this is that I'm afraid that I can do all the changing I want but it's not going to matter. H has to face these issues on his own. The alchohol problem probably ties in pretty nicely with whatever ails him as well. While I don't tell myself that I have nothing to do with what ails him b/c I'm sure our M is a pretty big factor, I do not blame myself or the A entirely. So the question is, if he hasn't faced these issues in the 13 years we've been together, will he ever? Or maybe ha had it under control for a good many years and the A has made the "old H" resurface? That could be. So, bottom line, H has always had control issues, but now you throw in a justified lack of trust and things have gone to hell in a handbasket.

You're right about the karate class. It isn't about the class. He mentioned during a conversation about something else, a R conversation it must have been, that he suspects everything I do, he suspects karate, i.e. that I'm seeing someone there. But when we argue about it, he tries any line from I'm a bad mother for not spending enough time with my kids to he has lawn work to do in order to get me to stay home. But on that one occasion, he did admit what we all already suspected. He's afraid I'm cheating on him.

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Marriage counseling. DBing. Reading "After The Affair" by Janis Spring for some insight?



H will not see a counselor, but I am. Second counselor, first one was not offering any insight into my situation at all, seemed to agree that I should leave. I really want someone to talk me out of the idea of leaving, so I switched counselors. This one started out pretty good, but today she suggested that I schedule a domestic abuse consultation with the Samaritan House. I was shocked. I had never thought about the things that H does as abuse, domestic violence is about hitting. She says I am undergoing emotional abuse and she said to look at my body language and listen to me talk, she said I look beat down, humiliated at times and fearful. This is all quite a shock to me and mostly I had nothing to say. She got out a paper that lists emotionally abusive behavior and my H is characterized by many of the things listed. I do some of those things too though, like call names. I am famous for a@@hole or whatever else strikes my fancy at the time (yes it's on my goal list). I'm not sure what to make of her suggestion, it troubles me to think about it because I feel like I surely must be giving everyone the wrong impression. I'm a strong, educated woman, how can I be that and be abused at the same time??? Anyway, she says I don't have to claim abuse, I can simply get help for dealing with his type of personality.
I have not read "After the Affair" although I have seen it recommended before. I will take a look at it on Amazon tomorrow, although I have to admit I don't much feel like working on my M. I'd rather be looking for houses, but I will take a look at it.

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If you can't do this by yourself, heatherg, call in the professional help. Many times, it's very difficult to reconcile solely on one's own devices.



Who are the professionals??






"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."

- Nathaniel Hawthorne