I am in defense mode. Especially when things are worded like "I don't get you Heather". I am so sensitive to what others think. I feel like I haven't been able to convey what's happening in my home and I feel desperate. My desperation is no one's problem but my own and I come here because I really do want objective opinions, but my feelings are fragile. Sometimes it doesn't feel like I am on the same side as anyone here because I am the cheater and it often feels like not many on this board have much empathy (please don't mistake for SYMPATHY) for someone in my position. I know the A is a big deal for H. But right now I'm trying to figure out if this M is worth even bothering to overcome the A. I can bend until my back breaks, but I don't know how to live with someone who doesn't think I'm worth turning down the TV for. My biggest change for myself was GOING to be standing up for me, my feelings and my opinions matter even though I am a cheater. I wasn't always a cheater and I promise you my feelings and opinions weren't taken any more seriously then. I was given the good advice not to assume that H is controlling me just because he wants something different than I do. That is good advice and I will definitely incorporate it in the things to think about file in my brain. But I just feel like when H tells me I'm not taking the kids to daycare anymore and when I call to ask if we can arrange days, he tells me "we'll see", I don't see where there's much room for interpretation there. If I sound defensive and freaked out, it's because I AM!! This whole thing is the result of an argument that I instigated. So, you see my dilemma. I always pay a very, very large price for anything that could be construed as a mistake on my part. So, ok. Let me be solution oriented now that I've calmed down. Thank you to all who've beared with me on my emotional side of this. Clearly I should not have lost my temper Monday night. This is a huge backslide on my part, for my own personal goals. I don't know what I could have done instead. Laid there and stewed I guess. I could use help with a more contructive way to handle it. H said he turned the TV down. I guess he must have, so in his mind I guess he fulfilled his obligation. It was too much to ask to turn it off then? How about that my H has disallowed me from taking my kids to daycare? Any items for action here? The kids will say they want to go with him if given a choice, so that base has already cleverly been covered by H. If he continues to take them places without telling me where they'll be, I guess I'll need to figure out how to solve that too. I really do feel crazy. Speaking of crazy, I had an interesting session with my counselor today. I'll post more on it later. Ellie, NY, thank you.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
