heatherb, I just re-read all of the posts on this thread to look for patterns. Both of you guys have something like e-mails, books, or pictures the other does not like.
Copies of E-mails. Your H made copies of e-mails of the on-line A to use as proof you were having an on-line friendship / A to counter the D you initiated so when your D statement for the reason you wanted the D, he could show you were also doing something wrong.
I don't see anything wrong when you deleted your origionals. I don't see that much wrong when he made copies to possibly use in his defense.
I see both of you guys invading eachothers space when it came to your books and H?. He should have never trash caned your books, but I suspect he did because he might have thought you were learning to really stick it to him.
Guys hear stories that women would rather be mean to their soon to be XH than be fair. Here are some of the stories guys hear.
The W hires the lawyer that will hurt the H the most, not one who is fair. The W will do this at the expence of what she might get in the D settlement. Guys hear the story "I don't care if the lawyer takes all of the marrital assetts, I am making sure H is dead broke when the D is final." I dont want to go to jail and If I can't kill him I will make sure he is dead, even if it is only dead broke."
I see where you are right. He only sees where he is right and over looks the things he is doing wrong (she kissed OM and that is wrong VS it's normal for guys to have table dances as long as I did not pay)
I think reading DB gets the reader to look at what they are contributing to the marrital problems. This does not happen at first and maybe not so much from reading the books as much as it does here on the bb when we are repeatedly confronted by our peers.
You are here and see some of the things you did wromg. How would your H get to this point you are in now with the hepl of this bb, without him having the experience of reading this bb or some other source? How long did it take for you to first see how something you did or were doing changed from something you justified to seeing it was something that was hurting the M?
My point is, maybe you are in a better position than yoyr H to see the faults and how they were the reason for the problems in the M. You decided to change from a position of justification to seeing those activities hurting your H and you want him to do the same, but he is not there yet.
Maybe I am off the mark but would you consider a math analogy. It's as if you can multiply and divide and your H can only add and subtract. It might also be like you are saying one language is better than another language. Fench is more personable and has more feeling words verses German which might be more logical ( I really don't know about either language, just using language as a topic).
I don't know If your H would read Divorce Remedy but i think it would be a good start, especially if he did not want to go to C. It might get the two of you to use the same words and share some concepts. What do you think?
Sorry if this seems like old stuff or does not address a current issue. I was seeing a pattern and wanted to reflect it back to you.
