Quote: I'm having difficulty seeing regular MB as not "acting on it".
Some people's dividing line is looking is sort of OK while touching or actively wanting to contact another person is over the line.
Quote: I don't know if my H MB or not~he won't either confirm or deny
I would guess he does at times. I think that is the norm, but not everyone is normal.
Quote: I MB all the time. But most often, I think of H.
Glad to hear you don't have those "touching oneself is dirty" feelings. I try to think of a good situation in the past when W was wanting me but too many incidents of some past rejections come up. Sometimes it is difficult to think "W" but I stil don't want to do the woman.
Quote: When I find pics of other naked women on a thumb drive that he carries with him everywhere, it makes me feel threatened and like the pornography is more than what it should be
I would say the thumb drive, it's more than I think would be normal. Is he trading them back and forth with some other guys? If he is, it sounds similar to boys swaping baseball cards.
Quote: with W so uninterested in pleasing you or herself.
She says the cuddling is heavenly, but she gets hot flashes and then that is eliminated too. BB lost interest for herself many years ago. She will do it for me but not very often and if one of 20 conditions (would have written 100 conditions but that is stretching it a bit) is not met, the encounter is off unless I put a lot of pressure on her. It becomes something that is related to anxiety, not sex and connecting emotionally. The latest downer is her frequent UTI's. It and the other things are almost enough for me to lose interest in sex and decide becoming LD is less frustrating. It's just about too draining sometimes. (sorry for the dumping)
Quote: I can remember statements like "we only do it when you want it" etc
That sounds familiar to me. He is telling you something so listen and explore this more with him. (based on my experience, I don't know what happened in your M. Spouses also rewrite the actual marrital history to conform to their feelings. So if some one was not getting it enough (2X a week in reality) they only remember the dry spell where you did it 1X a month and think that was what happened almost all of the time. BTDT.
Ones I got tired of being the lesd sex partner and decided to wait for BB to make the advance. It did not happen for 3 weeks and noe she said I was frigid most of the time. Funny thing I can remember getting so horny every couple of days an doing it 2X a week except for when I wanted her to initiate a couple of timed.
Quote: why such the care in picking out the pics, etc?
I suppose it is like other collecting hobbies. I collected wheat pennies when I was in 6th grade. I had most of them except a 1935S and a 1909vdb and 1909vbdS. All pennies looked alike but had different mint dates or mint places. The S's represented SanFrancisco, the D's were minted in Denver and tha plain ones with just the dates (no P were put on the coin) were minted in Philadelphia. A group of us boys were excited to find something just a little different. I think people have a built in collecting compulsion. I saw it when BB had QVC shopping channel on. The women wanted the newely introbuced 12" square inch fry pan because they had the 8", the 10", the 14" and the dutch oven in the same line. I heard "If you make it, I have to have" it so often. It was like if you did not have everything, the collection was incomplete or flawed.
BB does something similar with purses and shoes, different styles and collors.
Quote: H seems very particular about it.
I am particular too. No actors. no under age people, no rough stuff, no bathroom activities, people have to look like they are having at least some fun, typical couples mostly, ta-toos are a turn off. I guess I envy regular married 2X 3X a week sex and it shows in the things I do look at once a week.
Quote: in the boundaries we have set for our R
Did you two talk about or agree on any boundaries? Loks like more work is needed here. When I think about boundaries I don't think about his or her boundaries. I think about boundaries that I would want if I were male or female, kind of a person that could switch genders you see in movies.
Quote: He won't even let me get a vibrator that's shaped like a real penis for crying out loud
As a man, I would be concerned that the vibrator might be better than my real penis in some fashion. I know I am real and have human touch that a spouse would want but there is something like a competitive strain here, something like him wondering if he is good enough. Most likely not too far off from what you feel, like you might have been competition with the female nude pictures. BTW, I wish BB would have a vibrator. It might warm he up and I could always be there to take over. I would also like her to have some fun and would like to see some excitment in her life.
Quote: But where do I go to get my emotional needs met?
Get that figured out and e-mail me, better yet post it here on every forum under "Have Your Emotional Needs Met By Doing This" You would be a star.
Quote: , him with porno and me with OM???? Am I grasping at straws?
I guess in his mind, looking is not going over the line while physical touch is. BTW what you did is over the like but I don't see it as that bad of a thing for him to still carry on and continue to use it against you and justify staying distant in the M.
My W felt neglected and needed more attention from me about 25 years ago. She complained she was lonely. She was a SAHM, I worked full and part time jobs and she complained about a lot of things. She decided to pick up religion and had interest in the pastor. Once she made the statement "everyone makes mistakes." At the time I just agreed and recently with a little of "connecting the dots," have figured that her statement ment she had real feelings for the pastor. I never heard what she did other than her being at every meeting at church (3 a week). The guy was a charmer at first but turned out to be a phoney in many regards.
I wishes she would have come to me and insisted on some things she wanted to do with me instead of just complain she felt neglected.
Twenty five years later, I hear for the first time hew she was flirting with me while I was working at home. What I heard then were complaints, she was not getting enough attention. It's still almost the same way, complaints, but few "I want or lets do".
What I want is a statement like this. "Can you sit with me and watch this movie" What usually is said is " You are always too busy for me" I am posting this not to complain but to possibally give you ideas what you might be doing wrong and what to do instead, if you are doing something wrong. Maybe I am way off here. I don't know what you have or have not been doing and I don't know what your H respnds to.
I hope some of this helps. If it does, good, if not I gave it my best shot considering my personal situation, wisdom, and time I have.
