Thanks so much for taking the time to give me your thoughts. I appreciate it.
Quote: I think some peoples idea of "If I was pure, I would not want to ___________." is not realistic.
I fully agree. I'm not saying that having an occasional fantasy about someone or a particular situation is at all "unpure". In fact, I think it's healthy. I'm not against pornography by any means. I think it can be a hot addition to anybody's bedroom (or kitchen even ). But I feel that MB and fantasizing on a consistent basis adds another level to just viewing for the sake of viewing and that is what I'm saying is not being true to the spouse. You're cheating inside your mind and that can be just as hurtful if it is as thought out and deliberate as what it seems to be with my H. I guess I'm having difficulty seeing regular MB as not "acting on it". I don't know if my H MB or not~he won't either confirm or deny that. So my imagination and my gut tells me he does. Which is fine occasionally, I don't want to sound like a prude who thinks that touching oneself is dirty. I MB all the time. But most often, I think of H. And if it's not H, it's a person with no face or it's more about the situation than the particpants. I've never looked at a picture and imagined that person touching me or imagined myself touching them. That is just WRONG to me. I think H's viewing goes beyond the occassional "outlet" or boredom viewing. When I find pics of other naked women on a thumb drive that he carries with him everywhere, it makes me feel threatened and like the pornography is more than what it should be. Lou, I totally see where you are coming from. You've got a tough situation on your hands, with W so uninterested in pleasing you or herself. I feel for you and think that porn is probably a safe outlet for you. But from the sounds of it, it's just that~an outlet. My H has never put as much effort into our R as you seem to have, with telling me that I'm not meeting his needs. Maybe in his own way, he thought he tried. And looking back, I can remember statements like "we only do it when you want it" etc. But I thought I wanted it often enough and when we had it, it was great, confirmed by him. So I didn't recognize the statements as a problem. But if my H were looking b/c I wasn't putting out, why such the care in picking out the pics, etc? Why not just check out a few, MB and get on with it?? Why save certain ones? Maybe I'm making too much of it, but it concerns me that H seems very particular about it. Seems. I realize I may be assuming too much.
Quote: I still maintain my power unless you think your H will use what you tell him to inflict some revenge. If he does that, you still have power by stating firmly and in a friendly manner what you will not accept in a R.
Our R has tons of revenge built in. We are becoming the War of the Roses. I cannot trust that my thoughts are safe with H and vice versa with him and the porno. He says I use it against him. And I have. The hurt feels like heartburn and I repeated his words back to him, like "I like to look at beautiful women". I can't help it. That is SOO disrespectful. SOOOOOOOOOOO disrespectful, in the boundaries we have set for our R. I can't forget the words, I hear them all the time. I know my R boundaries and I know H would NOT be happy to hear those words from me or to find pics of other guys in my personal stuff. He won't even let me get a vibrator that's shaped like a real penis for crying out loud. There is such a double standard that it slaps me in the face. And even if he were fine with it, men are visual. Women are more emotional. So, he is having his needs met by looking at porno. He's all set apparently. But where do I go to get my emotional needs met? How can he not see the similarities in what we did, him with porno and me with OM???? Am I grasping at straws?
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
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