Quote: For some guys it is similar to looking at expensive cars.
I understand what you're saying here. But what if the guy MB to the pictures he sees. Then it's not so much like looking at cars anymore, is it? I guess I just thought part of being true to your spouse was not fantasizing about other people. Maybe I'm just naive. Plus, who am I to talk, I kissed somebody else. To me, being true is being true inside your mind as well. For instance, what if I didn't kiss OM? What if I just really wanted to, but never did? I suppose by most people's moral standards, I wouldn't have to tell because nothing actually happened. But if I DID tell, wouldn't it almost be as hurtful?? I don't know.....I guess I just don't understand why I'm not enough. Why can't he look at me and think I look nice and exciting?? I guess if I knew I was number one in his life, I wouldn't have such a huge problem with it. But I know I'm not number one. Maybe that's the real issue. But Lou, let me ask you this: if you knew it was affecting your W so deeply, would you continue to do it? Please be honest. I'm going to try to talk to H about it tonight. Start a calm discussion. I've stayed true to my goals and written about it first. I've clarified the specific things I want to know and I've clarified what I want to tell him about how it makes me feel. I've made a mental note not to focus on the viewing itself, but on how it makes me feel. I'm scared to death. I don't know why. I just don't feel like I'm connected to this person anymore and I'm about to bare my most vulnerable feelings. In our R, power has been such an issue that I feel like by giving him my feelings, I'm giving him power over me. He has power over me now, but at least he doesn't know how much. I just want to feel safe again. Safe with someone I love. I want to feel like I can trust them with my feelings and my heart.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
