How to GAL when SP is jealous/trust is broken??

[heatherg]

Excellent goals Heather! I think they'll go a long way to re-establishing trust.

Thanks. I would like to think so, but with my H, I'm not sure re-establishing trust is even possible b/c to a great extent he has to WANT to trust me. I can't imagine he'll ever let go of all this enough to want to trust me. We shall see.

Have you specifically asked H (when he's talking to you) what would help reassure him?

No directly. But indirectly. Like for example, he'll ask me "what have you done?", I guess asking what have I done to help re-establish trust. I've never had an answer before because I'd never written anything out before or had a gameplan. But I've asked "what do you want me to do, what do you want from me?" and his response will never be precise, always something like "I don't know, but I can tell you that you haven't been doing it".

It's the same script, only a different situation. In our R, we've had the same conversation about how to bring him out of a bad mood, how to help him with the drinking, etc. He can never tell me what he wants or needs from me only that what I'm doing is never working, in fact he says I usually make things worse.

it will be awhile before you settle on one for any length of time.

How long will is awhile? Because it's been a year and in that time I have hated more than loved. And then of course there was the year that led up to my A, where I hated more than loved. I'm fearful that I have settled on one of those emotions and it ain't love.
I've gotten so emotional in letters to him because I mourn for what we COULD be, not for what we've ever been. We may never be what I hope for. I struggle to find things I love about my H. Everything I used to say I loved has been tarnished in some way over the past two years. I used to say he was a great dad~now I just see how he smothers our children and how he is being extremely careless with the one thing that should matter most to our children, which is our family. Blah, blah, blah, but you get my point. Everything I used to love I now hate. I don't know how to make the love come back because everything he does just confirms that I hate him! Not hate him like I wish anything bad for him, but hate him like hate who he is to me and feel I would be better off without him.
Maybe that's what DB is about at its core? Not necessarily feeling love at the time, but taking all the risks because you know your M is worth saving and that some day the love will return for both parties?

Thanks Anna. I appreciate your posts.