How to GAL when SP is jealous/trust is broken??

[anna123]

Excellent goals Heather! I think they'll go a long way to re-establishing trust. Have you specifically asked H (when he's talking to you) what would help reassure him?

And as for the love/hate thing. Yup. It's normal and part of the roller coaster. Don't worry about these emotions... it will be awhile before you settle on one for any length of time. Worry more about your choices and behaviours. And treat yourself well!!!! Don't punish yourself... redeem yourself.

[heatherg]

I'm having second thoughts about initiating any kind of discussion with H. I'm going to quote myself here:

I'll break the silence, I always do.

Detect some resentment there?? After I re-read my post, I sure did. It's because no one likes to be given the silent treatment. I see it as flat out controlling and manipulative on H's behalf.
NY has said something on a couple of different occasions, something like 'if you initiate a D, then you're probably going to end up divorced'.
Well, I would like to set a boundary for myself in this R with H that if you initiate the silent treatment, expect the silent treatment until such time as you break it!
Please tell me if I'm just being stubborn here. Maybe I'm just copping out, maybe I'm just going in circles with "more of the same".
But I don't like to be given the silent treatment. I think it's unhealthy and I think it's immature. So why would I encourage it? Because initiating a discussion after H has began silent treatment would be encouraging it for next time would it not? It's like Pavlov's dog "she'll come drooling evenutally, she has every other time in the past".
Does that make sense? While I DO want my H back, I do NOT want the same R back. I do not want to be in a R where H ignores me every time I do something he doesn't like. I mean, I can see needing space for a couple hours or even a day or two. But it's been over a freaking week.
Thoughts?

[heatherg]

Excellent goals Heather! I think they'll go a long way to re-establishing trust.

Thanks. I would like to think so, but with my H, I'm not sure re-establishing trust is even possible b/c to a great extent he has to WANT to trust me. I can't imagine he'll ever let go of all this enough to want to trust me. We shall see.

Have you specifically asked H (when he's talking to you) what would help reassure him?

No directly. But indirectly. Like for example, he'll ask me "what have you done?", I guess asking what have I done to help re-establish trust. I've never had an answer before because I'd never written anything out before or had a gameplan. But I've asked "what do you want me to do, what do you want from me?" and his response will never be precise, always something like "I don't know, but I can tell you that you haven't been doing it".

It's the same script, only a different situation. In our R, we've had the same conversation about how to bring him out of a bad mood, how to help him with the drinking, etc. He can never tell me what he wants or needs from me only that what I'm doing is never working, in fact he says I usually make things worse.

it will be awhile before you settle on one for any length of time.

How long will is awhile? Because it's been a year and in that time I have hated more than loved. And then of course there was the year that led up to my A, where I hated more than loved. I'm fearful that I have settled on one of those emotions and it ain't love.
I've gotten so emotional in letters to him because I mourn for what we COULD be, not for what we've ever been. We may never be what I hope for. I struggle to find things I love about my H. Everything I used to say I loved has been tarnished in some way over the past two years. I used to say he was a great dad~now I just see how he smothers our children and how he is being extremely careless with the one thing that should matter most to our children, which is our family. Blah, blah, blah, but you get my point. Everything I used to love I now hate. I don't know how to make the love come back because everything he does just confirms that I hate him! Not hate him like I wish anything bad for him, but hate him like hate who he is to me and feel I would be better off without him.
Maybe that's what DB is about at its core? Not necessarily feeling love at the time, but taking all the risks because you know your M is worth saving and that some day the love will return for both parties?

Thanks Anna. I appreciate your posts.

[heatherg]

Something happened last night and I don't know if it was good or bad....
Do most of you keep this board private from your SP? Even those of you that are still together in the same home?
B/c H entered my room last night as I was typing a post and asked "what are you always typig in here?" and he came to look at the screen.
Of course I was honest and said it's a pro-marriage website that I found that uses bulletin boards. He walked out and I called him back and asked if he would like to read anything I'm writing. I said "it's personal and private, it's like a journal. but you're more than welcome to read it". I don't want him to read it because this is my personal development. It's for the betterment of my marriage, but it's stil MY personal development. But because of the trust issue, I had to ask him if he wanted to read it so he could feel comfortable that I wasn't doing anything bad for our M.
He said "so you post a journal to someone?" I said "not to someone, it's just posted for others to read, but not for one person in particular."
He walked out and said sarcastically "NICE".
I fully predict that my privacy will soon be hacked into here. It doesn't matter I guess. But I foresee him getting a userID and reading my threads. I will not be hard to figure out who I am, as I have used my real name!! Then of course it will be confirmed he has the right thread as he will start reading about our R....
This is anonymous, so it hadn't occurred to me that he could potentially be upset that I am publicly posting our M problems. But what if he does get upset? He's upset about everything else, why the hell not pile this on too heh?

[anna123]

Well, at least he's talking to you, right?

If he does see your postings, he'll see that they aren't steamy love letters, but genuine concerns. There is some stuff in here that he may not find flattering, but that's what you risk when you read someone's journal.

Maybe he'll cruise the site and get some ideas on marriage building too?

It's out of your control, so I would advise if anything comes back to haunt you... validate, don't justify and listen to what he says. Then maybe he won't feel threatened by the site.

At any rate, at least he'll see that you're talking to a housewife named Anna, not a male model named Pedro!

[heatherg]

You're right Anna, at least he talked to me!! Thanks for seeing the bright side of things, however dim it may be!!

~Update~
I went home for lunch today and H was there. I casually said hi and went to the kitchen to get something to eat. I sort of talk like the silent treatment isn't happening. I say things that don't necessarily require an answer, like "I guess I'll have to go to the grocery store to get S4 different hot dogs for his picnic Friday b/c he doesn't like the ones with the cheese in the middle".

I also very casually asked him if checked out this website at all. He asked "what website?" I said "the one I was on last night" He said "no". I proceeded to tell him that my goal was for him to feel like he could trust me and if he wanted to ask me any questions about it that I want him to know I'm completely open to answering them.
I then asked if he had planned for D2 and I to come to the movies with him and S4 tonight. He said yes and told me the time. He said S4 said that he would like the "girls" to come too. So I said "when did he say that?" He said "last week". I said "oh, because you hadn't mentioned us coming. You've been talking to S4 about it all week but haven't mentioned to me that we were invited (Thursdays are typically "boys night out", which is a nother whole story). We were gonna work on that right, letting each other know what the plans are?" No answer from him.
Does that sound a little pushy; I said it very friendly, as though it was probably just an oversight on his part. It's just that he was the one sooo adamant that we keep each other informed of plans.

Shortly after he went outside to do something, then came back in, then left to go back to work and didn't say goodbye.

Any pointers on my interaction with H today?

[akron29]

I then asked if he had planned for D2 and I to come to the movies with him and S4 tonight. He said yes and told me the time. He said S4 said that he would like the "girls" to come too. So I said "when did he say that?" He said "last week".

I think at that point you should have told him that you would love to go with to the movies as a family.

What can he do to gain your respect back? I need to know for me since halftime is over.

[heatherg]

What can he do to gain your respect back?

Why, that's a darn good question. I have absolutely no idea. I have been so concerned with gaining HIS respect back, I haven't given any thought to the reverse.
But I definitely will. And I will post more later.

[Jabez]

A cheater's worst enemy is their own mind. The less you say, the more they think. And the more they think, the more they come back to reality

HG: I realize this is an old quote, but after you posted on my thread yesterday, I started reading your story. I appreciate the advice to soften up. I'm interested in this quote and would appreciate your thoughts on it on my thread. (Do I really want to know?)

I then asked if he had planned for D2 and I to come to the movies with him and S4 tonight. He said yes and told me the time. He said S4 said that he would like the "girls" to come too. So I said "when did he say that?" He said "last week". I said "oh, because you hadn't mentioned us coming. You've been talking to S4 about it all week but haven't mentioned to me that we were invited (Thursdays are typically "boys night out", which is another whole story). We were gonna work on that right, letting each other know what the plans are?" No answer from him.
Does that sound a little pushy;

It sounds a little antagonistic to me, but I don't know your tone of voice and body language. I agree with akron. Somewhere along the line I learned to "tend to agree" and keep the answers short. Choosing your battles wisely was another good piece of advice that I picked up along the way. Going to the movies as a family, at this point in my sich, would be one that I would skip.

[heatherg]

Hey Jabez, thanks for stopping by. Sure, I'll definitely expand on what I was thinking when I wrote that. I'll try to get over to your thread tonight.