I'm contemplating something that I'd like to get some other POVs on. H has asked me what I have done since I told him about A to gain his trust back. That's been a tough question b/c I've never been dishonest before my betrayal which lasted a month at the most. So, I've never hidden anything or lied so I've never had a lifestyle that would require much rearranging. Do you know what I mean? I cheated. But I lied by omission and as soon as the question was asked, it was like "ok, here it is. time to fess up". I never considered lying. I really didn't. So, it's been difficult to think of what I need to change about my lifestyle to earn back trust, b/c aside from this, I've always been trustworthy. But, ok, that's gone now. I have no trust and I need to "earn" it back somehow. I was going to give H password to my email account, but he hacked in and got it on his own. So, I've been thinking about reclaiming my email account by changing my password again. But then I could email him and give the password willingly. That would put the gesture back in the arena of something I did because I wanted to not because he forced it on me.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Trust can be regained - and it is a choice, but it doesn't happen overnight.
Quote: So, then Tuesday he decides I've blown the trust again and I find out the next day when I try to log into my email account that he's hacked into it and changed my password. How am I supposed to feel about that?
Give him all access to whatever he wants. This is to prove your not hiding anything. If you don't have anything to hide this won't be a problem. If you have something to hide, you will call it controlling. He doesn't want to be controlling, he just wants to trust you.
I have to agree with the above post. I'm going through a situation now where my wife is and has been seeing someone else. It may not seem terribly healthy to have this attitude but if she was to decide to work on our relationship the two things that would help me regain trust are:
1) Being completely straight about any questions I have about the affair. Personally, I want to know how long it has been going on, how far it has gone, etc.
2) When she goes out, I would like to know who she is with and when she is going to be back. A phone call would be nice if plans change.
Now, on my end, the need for #1 and #2 has to be tempered somewhat. Can't take it to extremes...at least not once some progress is evident.
Don't mean to turn this into a post about our relationship but I think there are some parallels between your situation and ours and I'm sort of in the same seat as your H.
Akron~ I totally understand what you're saying, I really do. But what does STEALING my password accomplish? I would have given it if he had asked and like I said I was about to provide it anyway. It's like we can't make any progress because he keeps pushing me. It's been a struggle to try to think of ways to prove that I'm sorry because he keeps FORCING everything. Kicking me out of my bed. Taking off his ring. Not riding in my vehicle, hence forcing me to eventually sell it and paying a financial consequence as well. Stealing my password. In the apex of filing papers, a voice recorder I borrowed from a friend was in my coat and turned up missing and he emphatically denies taking it. A book I had on being married to alcoholics turned up ripped in half. He won't kiss me. I'm so preoccupied "paying" that I haven't had the desire to think of ways to be "sorry".
Zen~ Those are totally reasonable requests. What do you mean by "go out"? Because to my knowledge I'm not allowed out, socially speaking. Karate is my only independent activity. So the only things to keep him informed on are if I'm running late from work, or going to the grocery store or Target or something. But normally we do all of those things together as a family.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Stealing your password doesn't accomplish anything, but he thinks your hiding something.
Your confused - you need to think about what you want - Don't let your feelings make your decision - use your head. Feelings are always changing - they are never right or wrong they just are.
Ask him what he really wants? He might say not to have a blank as a W. When he gets done with all the insults, then ask him what you can do to prove that your not a blank?
Detach Detach Detach Detach Detach Detach Detach Detach Detach Detach Detach Detach Detach Detach Detach Detach - it is very critical to fix your problems.
You're right, I've heard that more than once in response to a question I've asked.
What do you think of this, as an email:
H~ I changed the password on my email account because some of the emails I receive are important, i.e. for my license to practice. So, I need to be able to access my account. However, the password is XXX if you would like to continue to have access to it as well.
W
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Quote: I changed the password on my email account because some of the emails I receive are important, i.e. for my license to practice. So, I need to be able to access my account. However, the password is XXX if you would like to continue to have access to it as well.
You might add to the end of that email.
I really do have nothing to hide and I want to regain your trust, because I do love you.
I think I'm paranoid. Can someone tell me why I take EVERYTHING so personally? Sometimes I read other people's posts on these boards and start crying or wondering if H thinks those things about me. It matters very much to me what people think of me and it matters most what H thinks of me. I've always tried to be a good person and I'm standing here dumbfounded that I failed so miserably at something so basic. Not that marriage is basic, but to a good honest person, you'd think that honoring your marriage vows would be pretty damn basic. Guilt, huh? Think that's what's eating me? Yeah, maybe guilt with a splash of paranoia. Is anyone else haunted by these thoughts as they read other peoples' posts?
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
It's Friday and with the weekend coming, it might be a good time for me to do some opening up to H. He isn't speaking to me, but I probably need to do some speaking to him. I think I'd like to tell him some things that I feel that I haven't told him before. This would probably be a 180 for me. I think up until now, I've apologized for what I did but I think I've also spent way too much time talking about what led up to it and how I was feeling at the time. As if that would give H some insight into why I did it. H has told me he needs me to be SORRY first and then we'll see about working on other issues in the future. I've struggled with how to be sorry TO someone. But maybe the first step is just opening my wound again. Letting it bleed. It's so hard because I want it to heal. I want to feel better. But that's just selfish isn't it?? I should be concerned with H's healing and my M healing, not myself. I just don't want him to think I'm only saying things to get him to give me another chance. It's pretty hard to detach and be sorry at the same time.
NY, I could really use your advice on that one because you seem pretty good at detaching. B/c for my own sanity, I need to detach and stop taking everything so personally. But detaching, to me, feels a little cold and it seems that being sorry needs to be really, really warm. I don't know how to balance that.
Thanks for listening...
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
How come your LBS doesn't act like us LBSs? We're all doing whatever to attract our WASs back, and yours insists on making it difficult. Sheesh, what a world, what a world.
He's dangling the "morally superior" carrot: You have to be sorry to be forgiven. That means he's carrying resentment and anger, since he's not forgiven and let go. He could keep on throwing hurdles at you that you need to jump over to continually prove yourself unless he lets it go.
And you're saying that you regret what you've done, but you had your reasons, they were valid to you, and so you don't see yourself beholden or accountable to H for them so as to be sorry to him, specifically?
Do I have any of this right?
Anyway... detaching isn't cold. I see it as loving. It IS loving. Detaching gets rid of a lot of the emotional junk that clogs up the smooth running of our relationships. Instead of reacting and not thinking, pushing buttons, having buttons pushed, mind reading, power struggles, control... detaching lets go of all that. Has nothing to do with your feelings for someone. So I think you can be detached, and be sorry about this mess.
Personally, I think it takes more effort to really love someone and be detached than just to give in to knee jerk reactions, and so, it makes that love much more purposeful and powerful.
If you regret your past course of action, then aren't you remorseful? So what's H's expectation of what "sorry" should be or look like coming from you?
