How to GAL when SP is jealous/trust is broken??

[heatherg]

Well the court date was both instigated and postponed by me. But yes, I can definitely see that he was looking for the emails for a reason. Probably all the reasons I deleted them. They were supposed to represent an act of openess, not so he could use them against me later.

To the second point, I think it just goes back a long way. When I met H (17 yrs old) I honestly didn't have any opinions of my own. His assuredness about what was right and wrong and how he felt about things intrigued me. And you've probably experienced this in your own life, that when you spend so many years with a person, you begin to think like them and of course you value their opinions more than anyone else's in the world. The fact that he has all of these negative opinions towards me kills me. I value his opinions and hate that he hates me. I want to make it right. So, yes, I do allow myself to feel 2 inches tall, but it's because I care so much about how he feels and what he thinks of me.....know what I mean?

[allmyfault]

Add to that the fact that I have been a fighter/yeller and once I get it out I can usually feel better. Two totally different styles and both of us would have been so much better off had we learned to communicate somewhere between those two extremes

Hi Heather

I know what you mean about you and H having completely different styles of dealing with situations. H and I are complete opposites in the way we deal with emotional stress. I yell/shout. H is quiet and ignores things. Since the 'bomb' I began to work on myself and the way I deal with stressful situations and have found myself in a better place. Working on making my reactions fall in between the two extremes have made everything a lot easier. I still have a long way to go.

You mentioned that once it's off your chest, you feel a lot better. I used to feel that way. One of the things though, that I have painfully come to realise is that the person I am yelling at probably feels like sh@t. Since this is the last thing I want, I am having to reconsider how I ought to respond to situations.

it may be too late

It's never too late to start establishing good relations and who knows what that may lead to. If nothing else, you will find yourself feeling better. Take care

[akron29]

Heather - Love that name

Anyway you posted on my board.

Is he an alcoholic?

My wife still doesn't understand me and the disease I have. Alcoholism is a disease, learn it and understand it. Then you will understand him. AA has what they call the Big Book. Here is Chapter 8 to the Wifes

http://www.recovery.org/aa/bigbook/ww/chapter_8.html


My wife was not understanding - she couldn't without learning.

She would drink and expect me not 2
She would make me watch our Son all the time
She would lie
She would cheat
She made me feel like a doormat and I drank more to cope with it.

It was my fault, but it might have all been different if I didn't drink. She just didn't understand me.

Resentment is #1 reason for drinking - Do find all the times you have hurt him and when he is sober. Have a heart to heart with him and tell him how sorry you are. If your really sorry.

Heather I just read all you BB. Your sit is almost like mine, but you are just like my W and I'm like your H.

He needs to know that Drinking will not be tolerated.

You need to prove to him that you love him. Quit working out

In time you can GAL, now you need to fix your M. He doesn't want to be a doormat - he just wants you to love him. He needs to know that - Sex, Kissing, Sorry's, just love him.

[heatherg]

Akron-

Heather - Love that name

Thanks!

Is he an alcoholic?

I don't know. I don't know what constitutes an alcoholic. I really don't. I know it would have been easier to classify him as one 7 years ago when he drank 6 nights a week, up to 18 beers a night. But he's cut way down over the years. He cut down to 3 nights a week, then 2 nights a week while also gradually decreasing the amount he drank as well. He quit smoking about 2 years ago and only smoked when he drank. He has willpower, there is no doubt about that.
His most recent accomplishmenet was to cut his drinking in half again, using O'Douls. This happened one week after I served him D papers. Like you, he is adamant that this change is not for me. While that statement does hurt, I know it's better for him if it's not for me.
But he has also told me I've never helped the situation and, if anything, I've only made it worse by harrassing him about it over the years. And I did harrass. I'm embarrassed about the way I carried on over the years. I was frustrated, angry, hurt and, in all fairness, it probably became a bigger issue in our marriage than it really needed to be.
I would not sleep with him on the nights he drank. Honestly though, it was b/c he snored and slept like a log, i.e. wouldn't roll over if I asked him to, etc.
Sex of course was off limits.
I've seen him urinate in places that one is not supposed to urinate, I've seen him practically burn our house down by passing out while a frozen pizza was in the oven for hours (guess that means it wasn't a frozen pizza anymore, huh??lol), I've seen him stumble and slur.
Quite honestly, I think I lost respect for him. He would never straight out talk to me about the problem. Would never tell me if he thought he was an alcoholic or not. I think the embarrassing behavior on my part occurred because he liked to pretend I wasn't there, wasn't speaking. Would tell me I was being ridiculous or that it was only a problem b/c I had a problem with it.

He needs to know that Drinking will not be tolerated.

How do you show that?? I think that's my problem. I've tried too hard to convey that. But you know what? The truth is I can't control it, so how do I decide it won't be tolerated? Leave?

You need to prove to him that you love him. Quit working out

Do you mean I should quit karate?

[anna123]

You need to prove to him that you love him. Quit working out

I strongly disagree with this! How does sacrificing your own health and pleasure prove that you love someone? That seems to be suggesting that she settles into a codependent relationship where no one's needs are met for fear of alienating your S. Working out prolongs your life and makes you feel great at a time when you need healthy ways to feel good.

We are not supposed to shrink ourselves in order to fit our marriage.

Keep up the karate!!!

[heatherg]

I must say I'm torn on this one. I honestly hadn't considered quitting until I heard someone other than H suggest it. I don't know.
Anna, I'm with you-I shouldn't have to.
But, I keep coming back to "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happily married?"
I'm paid with my school through the summer. But one of the things I could compromise on would be to change schools. The one I joined is far from my house so it takes my 1/2 hour each way to get there. This will be a sacrifice indeed because I've already developed a loyalty to the school and the instructor. But H is right when he says it is too far to drive when we get S4 involved. But it would also take about 30-45 mins less time each night I go.
So, I think as a compromise, I will change schools after summer.
What do you all think? Do you think that he'll "get it" that even though I'm not quitting, I am compromising?

[akron29]

You have said the trust is broken. My W didn't tan for 8 months while we where separated, but the second she had a babysitter(me) or we got back together she started tanning everynight. I gave her trust, but in the back of my mind I didn't. Gone for 1-2 hours a night tanning. WTF?

I think you better get that trust back. If that is quiting or compromise, it doesn't matter. Just get the trust back. If you regain trust I'm sure he won't care how much you go to karate.

[heatherg]

Akron-
Here's a thought that came to me tonight: I'm concerned that the trust never really comes back. There is always the doubt. She did it once, she can do it again. That line of thought is rational and it makes sense. No matter how many years pass, you'll always wonder when times get tough, is she going to do it again?
I'm wondering if trust can really be earned back, I'm thinking it's never really earned in the first place. When you meet someone and start dating, you trust them. Not because they've earned it but because you want to have a R with the person and to do that you need to trust them. So trust is really a leap of faith made by the person granting the trust. You're giving someone your heart and trusting them with it because you WANT to.
Thoughts anyone?

[heatherg]

~update~
H still not speaking to me. Answered three out of the four phone calls today though. Sounds like I'm pestering I know, but we had a lot happen today and every phone call was about something, had nothing to do with me or R.
So, I guess that's progress? At least he answered his phone.
I can't help but think about WHY he's mad. We were doing well enough. Started out great during Memorial weekend, good Tuesday, faded a little on Wed, faded a little more on Thurs and pretty much stayed that way until the following Tues when he realized I had deleted those emails. So, since Tuesday he has been ignoring me and looking disgustedly at me and speaking to the kids as if I don't exist. Because I deleted emails he stole from me in the first place. Granted, those emails should never have existed. But that's part of why we've been going through this hell this past year. Because they did exist. And me deleting them didn't make them exist moreso. I let him into my email a year ago and he emailed those to himself. He later gave me the password to his email account and I was rather surprised to see that he had copies of them. I didn't say anything to him about it. But in Feb when I signed D papers, I went into his account and deleted the emails. I was not about to let stolen material be used against me.
How am I supposed to feel that he took them in the first place? It couldn't have been for any good productive reasons, right?!
So, then Tuesday he decides I've blown the trust again and I find out the next day when I try to log into my email account that he's hacked into it and changed my password. How am I supposed to feel about that? The weird thing about that is that the night before is the night I did all of my goals. I wrote 4 pages in my journal. One of my actions was going to be giving him the password to my account. But he took it before I could give it.
And he is the one ignoring me....I know I need to be solution oriented, but I have to ask, when do my feelings start to matter again???

[heatherg]

I just wanted to take a minute to say thanks to all who've been checking in on me. I really appreciate it. Please continue to keep me in line!! I know I have a tendency to throw pity parties rather than stay solution oriented. Hopefully that will pass in time.
Akron, you do sound like my H. Please continue to post whenever you see something that inspires a response. The more insight I can get into my H's personality, the better.

Thanks again guys and I will continue to check up on all of you as well!