Well the court date was both instigated and postponed by me. But yes, I can definitely see that he was looking for the emails for a reason. Probably all the reasons I deleted them. They were supposed to represent an act of openess, not so he could use them against me later.
To the second point, I think it just goes back a long way. When I met H (17 yrs old) I honestly didn't have any opinions of my own. His assuredness about what was right and wrong and how he felt about things intrigued me. And you've probably experienced this in your own life, that when you spend so many years with a person, you begin to think like them and of course you value their opinions more than anyone else's in the world. The fact that he has all of these negative opinions towards me kills me. I value his opinions and hate that he hates me. I want to make it right. So, yes, I do allow myself to feel 2 inches tall, but it's because I care so much about how he feels and what he thinks of me.....know what I mean?
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
