I have a small thread in the newcomers section that hasn't gotten too much response-For Newcomers/What to do? I'm trying to find my niche on the BBs and I decided that my thread should probably reside here in this forum. I'm looking for ideas and/or advice on GAL when the spouse is controlling and jealous? Should that have any effect on my decisions or should I act "as if"? I'm confused on these two issues:
1. Think about what you're going to do. Will it bring your closer or farther from your goal? Doing things outside of the home tend to take me farther away from my goal.
2. GAL Maybe because I have broken the trust in my M, GAL doesn't really apply to me in the same way it does to the people who've been betrayed?
Thanks!
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
What about doing something like GAL, making plans etc but inviting H along with you? Then it's up to him to come or not, can't accuse you of being sneaky, and you still get to have all the fun that you deserve to have. If he comes, then great! Fun for both of you. If he doesn't, that's ok too. You can tell him all about it when you get back. This is an instance where being vague won't help.
Plus, I understand what you mean about getting closer to your goal. HOWEVER, maybe should part of your goal be leading a rich and fun life? Shrinking yourself for the sake of the marriage will never work. For one thing, you'll be unhappy. Plus, you'll never be able to shrink enough for a controller.
I guess that leads me to the next question... how controlling is your H? What do you mean by that?
Me-30 H-31 Kids-D2, S4 Married 5 years, together 12
Nealy a year ago I confessed a breach of trust on my behalf. I had seen a person outside of our marriage on about 5 occasions and there was some kissing involved. I was also involved in an EA with someone I met online. I was honest about everything, he asked and I told. I even gave him the password to my email and let him read everything that had passed between myself and other person.
There's also been an alcohol issue on his behalf since we met, although I didn't recognize it until a few years into the R.
I gave up hope about two months ago and signed D papers. He was served about 3 weeks ago. A week after he was served, he cut his drinking in half. Was absolutely adamant it WASN'T for me. That's ok, better that it isn't for me. I'm happy for him and hope it lasts. I told him if he was going to continue with that effort, I wasn't ready to give up hope. I postponed the court date indefinitley, and I really want to try. I struggle with the idea that I can't do it by myself though.
H won't go to C. I've been in C for many months now, but just had my first session last week with a new C. Hopefully a more solution-oriented one. She knew about DB, so we'll see.
H has had a history with being controlling anyway, so this breach of trust has brought all that back, raging.
I've read a lot but honestly have yet to actually apply a whole lot of what I've learned, which is part of why we are still having such difficulty a whole year later. The other part of why we are still having such difficulty is because H holds the anger very close although he says he's not angry, just doesn't care anymore. But he calls me a slut and a whore whenever he gets the chance, so I'd say he's probably still harboring a great deal of anger, huh?
Really need to make some friends here, people who've been through this and are going through this.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Hi Anna~ The issue lies in the fact that we have children. If I leave the children, I'm treating him like a live-in babysitter. If I try to take the children, there WILL be a war. When we're getting along well, it's not quite so bad, but it's still difficult to make plans b/c I never know how he'll act when it's time to go.
How controlling is H? I don't know how to answer that specifically. When we first got together I was 17 and had no sense of self or self-esteem so I did whatever he said. I was not allowed to wear silver jewelry, listen to dance music (or dance), go anywhere with my friends or wear certain kinds of clothing. One time I got a little hoop ring in my pinky nail at the suggestion of my nail tech and he was furious with me. As I got older, I didn't put up with this. But it did go on for years and slowly I just pushed and pushed so that I became myself rather than who he wanted me to be. But it was a slow process. In the couple years before my breach of trust, he mostly was detached. As opposed to being controlling, he just emotionally detached. I would go out every Friday and he didn't say anything about it at all. I would close the bar and he never once asked about what I did while I was there or anything. It was the other extreme. But then I got involved with someone and threw trust out the window. Now, the control issue is surfacing again, although in different ways. He knows he can't tell me what to wear anymore, but he controls me through the kids and he also uses what I've done as leverage. I've agreed to never enter a bar without him. I don't go out anymore, and I don't feel that's an issue at all. I shouldn't have been going in the first place as often as I did. Although I will miss the right to go for instance with my sister when I go home to visit. We always liked to go out for drinks and laugh and have fun. She has no kids, so that is very much her lifestyle and I know she will look at me like I'm crazy if I tell her I can't go without H. I joined karate last Nov and H wants me to quit. I've written about this on my other thread in the newcomers section. He says I "disappear" for hours (I'm gone two hours three days a week and one of those days is during the kids' naps). I've told him he can call or come anytime. He says I'm a "part-time" mom b/c of my new hobby and that I'm not acting in the best interests of the family. He says I'm the only one who thinks this is ok, everyone agrees that I live in some little fantasy world where I get to do whatever I want. He loves to tell me I'm delusional.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
I need some good advice here. I've posted a lot of the details on my situation, but in case you've not read my thread before, I had an online friend outside of my marriage about a year ago. In addition to this, I also spend time with another guy on about 5 differenct occasions and there was some kissing involved. I came clean with my H and things have been very rocky. Here's the part I need immediate help with: I gave my H the password to my email account and let him read all of the emails that had been exchanged with the online friend. He later also gave me the password to his email account where I found that he had emailed himself copies of the emails between me and this other person which I never gave him permission to do. I deleted the emails. This was months ago and nothing has ever been said about it. Until today. Apparently, he just realized it and is FURIOUS with me. He said "Way to restablish the trust!!" "I'm speechless". I said "I was open and honest with you and let you read everything, but I never gave you permission to keep anything" and then he hung up on me.
This is bad isn't it? What do I say when I get home tonight????
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
I could really use a second set of eyes on this before I go home tonight. I would really appreciate it if someone could tell me if what I've done is repairable....
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Honestly, I don't think you did anything so terrible. But the fact is that he does.
I guess my best advice is to validate and agree. Don't explain or justify. Reflect back what he says.
Example: H- How could you violate my trust again? you- We were just building trust and now you feel like it's been lost H-Yes!
etc.
Don't try to justify... often if you agree with a person who is angry with you they will end up defending you. If you give him room to be angry without trying to talk him out of it, he may just get over it by himself.
That's sooo helpful, thank you. That's exactly what I'll do. Do you think I should wait until he brings it up? If so, do you think I should act "as if" until he does bring it up?
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
You are totally right to act "as-if", and don't bring it up but be very open to the conversation if he initiates it. He may still be mulling it over and you don't want to rush him into a conversation. He may even talk himself out of the anger before you two discuss it.
Quote: often if you agree with a person who is angry with you they will end up defending you.
Quoting myself to hijack your thread (sorry) but just thinking about how this is EXACTLY how my H has approached every conflict we've had. I coined it "the reverse pout" where I end up begging his forgiveness and berating myself for criticizing him without him speaking one word to defend himself. It was VERY effective (at least on one as conciliatory as I)
