Hi Anna~ The issue lies in the fact that we have children. If I leave the children, I'm treating him like a live-in babysitter. If I try to take the children, there WILL be a war. When we're getting along well, it's not quite so bad, but it's still difficult to make plans b/c I never know how he'll act when it's time to go.
How controlling is H? I don't know how to answer that specifically. When we first got together I was 17 and had no sense of self or self-esteem so I did whatever he said. I was not allowed to wear silver jewelry, listen to dance music (or dance), go anywhere with my friends or wear certain kinds of clothing. One time I got a little hoop ring in my pinky nail at the suggestion of my nail tech and he was furious with me. As I got older, I didn't put up with this. But it did go on for years and slowly I just pushed and pushed so that I became myself rather than who he wanted me to be. But it was a slow process. In the couple years before my breach of trust, he mostly was detached. As opposed to being controlling, he just emotionally detached. I would go out every Friday and he didn't say anything about it at all. I would close the bar and he never once asked about what I did while I was there or anything. It was the other extreme. But then I got involved with someone and threw trust out the window. Now, the control issue is surfacing again, although in different ways. He knows he can't tell me what to wear anymore, but he controls me through the kids and he also uses what I've done as leverage. I've agreed to never enter a bar without him. I don't go out anymore, and I don't feel that's an issue at all. I shouldn't have been going in the first place as often as I did. Although I will miss the right to go for instance with my sister when I go home to visit. We always liked to go out for drinks and laugh and have fun. She has no kids, so that is very much her lifestyle and I know she will look at me like I'm crazy if I tell her I can't go without H. I joined karate last Nov and H wants me to quit. I've written about this on my other thread in the newcomers section. He says I "disappear" for hours (I'm gone two hours three days a week and one of those days is during the kids' naps). I've told him he can call or come anytime. He says I'm a "part-time" mom b/c of my new hobby and that I'm not acting in the best interests of the family. He says I'm the only one who thinks this is ok, everyone agrees that I live in some little fantasy world where I get to do whatever I want. He loves to tell me I'm delusional.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
