You are absolutely right!! And I know that. I need to move on, why is this sooooooo hard for me??? I try to do all the right things when I'm with H, but when I'm alone I do seem to be obsessing about OW.

Things I have been doing for me:

I am exercising again at least 3 times a week

I am learning to golf better (the name golfer pro is misleading - H is actually the pro). ANd I have always wanted to get better.

I have been going to the range a couple times a week.

I got a manicure yesterday and set an appointment for a pedicure next Monday.

In regards to 180's I do get a little confused but this is what I have been doing -

I am not controlling with our bank accounts and money anymore. I don't question H on every transaction and every dolalr he spends. I use to just completely control his and would question a $20 atm withdrawl.


I don't keep a list anymore. For example he would get home and I would say well I have - cut the lawn, did all the laundry today, did the dishes, went grocery shopping, etc. etc. Then I would say how was golf or how was fishing. I did this to try to show - I'm busy taking care of things and you are just out having fun. I do not do this anymore. I realize his time with his guy friends and brother is important. This was just not right to do. He is a huge help around the house - he vacuums, he mops, he cleans, etc. I just always tried to make him feel guilty - no longer do this.

If we are disagreeing on something and H ask for space I drop it and give him space - I use to follow him around the house and just continue making my point over and over because I felt I was always right - I know this not to be the case now.

I have made time for H when he gets home from work. I don't make him feel like we just need to get busy doing dinner, dishes, laundry, etc. etc.

We have been making a point of one night a week going out just the 2 of us - could be dinner, could be a boat ride, could be sitting alone in the hot tub when kids are in bed, could be going golfing, it just making sure we do this. I also never use this time to bring up topics that could cause conflict - this is OUR time and OUR Fun time. This is not he time to discuss money, the bills, OW, etc. It's time to focus on us.


I have been giving H time to spend with his guy friends to golf - I use to get mad that he was not spending every minute with me, but then all I would have him do is slave around the house.

I have learned to let the "little things" go. I use to start fights over stupid stuff. No longer do that - not worth it.

I have learned to smile more around the house, I am trying to show and keep a PMA when we are all together and maybe that is why I have been obsessing so much on this site about the OW - because that is my only outlet. Even they other day I was down a little and H said you are not your chipper self, what's wrong. So I know I have been so much more positive and happy around H.

I have also learned when to bring up topics that could cause conflict. Timing is everything and I use to just bring things up whenever I wanted. Unless critical I don't do that. I use to hit him right up first thing in the morning - no longer do that. He is not a morning person and that is not how he wants to start his day off. So I will wait until evening if needed.

I do think we need to work on communication though. And I'm not quit sure how to do that. There are things I would like to talk with him about that has happened that we have never ever spoke about. I would like to talk about these things once and not bring them up again. But, I am afraid to rock the boat because things are going pretty well. That may also be another reason I vent so much here.

How do I bring these tough subjects up?
Any suggestions on this or on goals I should be setting or other things I should be doing?

Thanks again for pointing these things out and helping to push me in the right direction. I needed to hear this and I need to focus on the RIGHT things!!!!! Not OW. Because I do beleive he loves me and we do have a great family.

Thanks


I think working on my communication skills is a goal I need to have. I have made some progress. I no longer yell when I bring up tough subjects and I no longer name call. He still will if he gets really frustrated and H does not like conflict at all. Not that I do, but he will not talk about something if it has the potential to cause conflict. Any suggestions?