Your posts seem to be full of OW. I know the whole EA can be crazy-making and painful, but you need to start moving past that. You are giving her way too much power by obsessing over every interaction etc. She seems to have diminished importance in your H's mind, but you keep bringing her up (even just in your mind - it's sure to colour your interactions). We've all gotten stalled in this mode at one point - it's natural but you're too special to stay in this mindset any longer.
What are you doing for yourself? What have you learned about your marriage? What 180s are you doing to improve your marriage? What 180s are you doing to make yourself happy?
She's a footnote to all this. Ignore her.
Have you set any goals? What progress have you and your H made in communication? I'd love to hear all that stuff!!
Oh, and earlier you talked about the possibility of H firing her. That would be a VERY slippery slope, as you can't legally fire someone for a romantic rendezvous gone bad. H could end up in a world of (frankly, deserved) trouble. Maybe she'll get frustrated or embarrassed and quit, but firing her could plant her even deeper into your lives.
