Hi golfer - my H's OW is a coworker. He said he 'broke-off' with her. But he still needs to be work with her, so it is rather difficult. My H is looking for another job. Think he is not confident with himself of being able to stay away while still having to work with her. Not even sure if he can really stay away even in a new job. I think it is rather difficult if the OW is pursuing. Everyone is telling me that my H should just do the "emotional and mind" thing and need not leave the company. It is easier said than done. How can you ask him to switch off when he sees her everyday, spends more time with her than the family?? I think it would be difficult.
In your case, you'll just have to wait patiently and see if the sitch changes. Perhaps the OW will get fed-up and leave the company.
I know I really need to be patient. Like I said H and I had another great weekend and he made plans for this upcoming saturday for us to be in a golf outting together.
Today he is out of town for work so that is good - my mind doesn't wander as often when he is not at actually in the office with OW.
It just really bugs me that she is calling him. He told me he is not taking her calls, pushing her into Voice mail or like on Sundays he has been turning his phone off. I know these are all good signs on his part, but I don't quite understand why he won't just tell her to GO AWAY... Anyone know why he is being so passive about this? Or anyone have any experience with this type of passive behavior. You see all the other signs are great. Will she go away this way or do you think he needs to be firm?
One more thing I thought I would write. H just called he is almost at the other office out of town. We started talking about his sister who is going thru a D. H mentions he thinks they should have tried to work it out. H says "marriage is for better or worse". H then goes on to say "we are getting along better than ever and things were really rough there for awhile for us". I said yes they were. In H's sister situation there was an A and it was a physical affair. He went on to say today on the phone they they really should have tried harder and it was unfair to sister that she wasn't given the chance by her H to try to work it out, he just left. My H also said it was very unfair to the kids involved.
OK these are all positive things my H is saying. But he thinks we are getting along "better than ever". While this is true and we are having good times and we are spending a lot of quality time together and with our kids - I still have hurt I'm working thru. It seems he doesn't realize this... or he just wants that to go away. But eventually don't we need to talk about all this and not just brush it under the table. Yes things are great, I have been GAL and having a PMA. Or do I just work thru these last few things on my own?
I'm happy to hear all the positives in your stich. Your DBing efforts are really paying off.
Quote: - I still have hurt I'm working thru.
Your right. It is something that you need to work through. I came to realize that it is MY hurt, forgiveness, etc that I have to work through. For me there is really nothing that my H could say or do that would explain or justify his actions in his EA. That is something that I will have to come to terms with on my own. Just like his guilt is something that he will need to work through.
Really can you think of one thing that your H could do that would make all the hurt and pain go away - that would justify how much he hurt you .... ? I can't in my stich.
It's not the one thing - its all the little everyday things you do together now that will help heal wounds. In my stich it helps to focus on the great times my H are having now ...
My H never did (at least from what I know) tell OW to stop calling him. I believe she does still - in fact I think that even though she works at a different clinic - she still brings her pet to my H.
Thank you! You are right I have the hurt I need to work thru and I never thought of it this way - you are absolutely right, he has the guilt he has to work thru. Which I'm sure it also very hard. I really appreciate your insight.
Sometimes I think I would like revenge against her - like having her fired. My H is in a position where he could have her fired, but I have not gone there. I dont think that would really be productive and I don't even like to bring her up.
I will focus on the good times we are having which really helps me to stay positive. I will work thru the hurt on my own. Do you know of any good books on that type of a subject? Are there any other ways you are working thru the hurt?
Also, sounds like things are still going well for you. This is great!
I feel very depressed today and I did last night. Why? I just don't get it. My mind is wandering again and going back thinking about all that has happened in the past 6 months, and I just feel down. I even have thoughts where I just HATE my H. I know that is awful, but I do have those thoughts, they come and go. And I know things seem to be improving, but I do sometimes feel hate for all H has done. I don't know maybe I started feeling this way last night because I know today H will be in the office with OW. Maybe it is my defense mechanism...
I need to get over this, I know I do. But, when I start to feel like this I start to think maybe I should just file for the big old D...? That most likely is not the answer but I seem to get these feelings on and off and I just don't get it because I do think H is making an effort. Maybe it is because they will be together all day today. Any thoughts or advice from anyone?
We're on an emotional rollercoaster, and our feelings follow along whatever thoughts we're having. When we're on the low, we get frustrated. impatient. That's when we get angry and no longer have a loving outlook on our WASs, and that's when we think of divorce. Lots of posts reflect that and I've been there too. Yet, divorce won't change the feelings nor stop the rollercoaster. We imagine that serving a divorce will serve up relief from our feelings, but not so... if anything, it will add another object of sadness.
Like you wrote, the feelings are "on and off", because they follow our ever changing thoughts. What you feel today is not the way you may feel tomorrow. All the more reason not to act on your feelings and to practice thought control.
I did it! I got up the nerve to actually ask "for my husband" when I called this morning. I was actually returning his call so it went like this
OW - good morning blank company this is xx Me - Good Morning - may I speak to my husband please OW - he's not here right now Me = ok, would you please leave him a message that I returned his call and to call me? OW - ok Me - thank you.
Now I'm feel a little nervous and shakey inside - I don't know why...
Let's see if she gives him the message....
Oh why do I feel nervous and shakey right now... seems strange.
Now H is calling on his cell so he is out of the office.
Oh he went home to the store to get a muffin and a pop.
I said I saw you called so I called your office but you were gone. He said, yep just went to get something to eat and drink and I wanted to touch base with you. He said he is going to plan a get away for us today. Maybe go up north for a weekend. Sounds good to me.
I wonder when he gets back if she will mention I called to him. I really can't ask now if he is returning my call because he called me on his cell while he was out
So how will I know if she gives him the message? Is there a nondiscret way I can ask?
H just called again about a stock certificate. So I did ask, did you get my message that I called.
H - yes Me - I just wondered H - yes I yelled at her last week when she didn't give me your message (I don't know if I beleive that) well I didn't yell but I made it clear to her to write it down and put it in my box Me - oh ok
Then we went on and talked about the stock deal and going up north. So hopefully that is true and he did say something to her last week - I guess I will never truely know. I will see if she screws up on this again by not delivering a message. I'm sure last week it was on purpose.
I have been reading alot of posts. Al ot of them talk about getting support from friends and family. No one and I mean no one knows about the problems H and I have had. We have kept it to ourselves. Now OW may know, but I don't know that because I have never asked. Both H and I are pretty private people. Do you think this will make it harder or easier for us?
