A question I have... The OW is the secretary/receptionist at H work. She pretty much always answers the phone. I feel almost like I can't call him now at work. I feel stupid, humiliated, etc. I feel like she is thinking ha ha, I'm going to steal him. I have not told my H all this. I have only told him that I feel funny calling his work. He says call when you want, you should not feel that way. I am with you. At one point about 4 months ago when I know they were talking 600 to 700 minutes on the cell phone (now down to 110 min) I needed to call him at work to get the kids after school. I had to work late. She answered and was very rude to me. I told H that she was a little rude, he told me he said something to her... who knows if that is true. I called again in about a week for something and he asked me if she was friendly. I guess she was a little friendlier, I just told him yes. But, why do I feel like I can't call him at work? He is my husband, staying at our house, sleeping with me, doing stuff with our kids, taking me out once a week, etc.
Do you think it is ok to call him at work? Should I? I mean I'm not calling every minute or even everyday for that matter. I'm not chasing him or bothering him, I just need to call once in awhile in regards to rides for the kids, etc. For that matter he calls me at work and asks things like what do you want for dinner. Would you like me to get is started, how late will you be at work, etc. etc. I just don't feel comfortable calling because I know she will answer. So if I need him I generally call his cell. Do you think I should just call his work number if I need him and not call his cell? I mean in the past I would have just called his work. Shouldn't she be the one that feels stupid when I call and shouldn't she feel like a sl@t when I call? Any advice on this one would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
My opinion is CALL!! If it were me, when I did call, I'd sound as sweet as possible on the phone...happy and cheerful. Also, I'd ask to "speak to my husband", and not "is Joe available"? For me, it would almost feel like a little twinge of revenge, for her to hear how happy and cheerful I am, and asking to speak to my husband..... I mean, if the tables were turned, and I had to answer the phone when she called, and she sounded so happy when she was calling my husband, and she referred to him in some "friendly" term, it would irk the heck out of me, so why not make HER be the one that feels uncomfortable?
Now I'm not saying to call 50 times a day....just when you absolutely need to call him. Don't give it a second thought...if you should call his cell instead.
If what he is saying and doing is true...pushing her away...then she's the one that is going to feel stupid and humiliated, thinking you're the one thinking "ha, you couldn't steal him from me could you!?"
Thanks so much for your advice and DO appreciate it!! I will call him at work now if I need to and not the cell. I won't over do it and won't most likely even call everyday, just when I need to or if I am returning his call.
I like your suggestion to ask for my husband. I sure hope I can get up my nerve to ask for him in that manner. Do you think that is to bold? I know in my heart it is not - especailly compared to what she has done. But in the past before all this happened I would call and just ask for him by name...
You are right when I call I should be very happy and sound very confident and out going - like this - OW answers and says "Good morning blank blank compnay this is Jxxx". Then I should say "Good morning! Would you please put my husband on the phone?". What do you think?
And OW says he is gone or not available maybe I would say "Ok not a problem. Would you please let him know I returned his call - thank you!".
Let me know what you think. I know you are right I should ask for him that way and I should not feel stupid, but for some reason I do... Is it an ego thing? I know I'm a better person than her, and I know I AM a winner but boy do I have trouble even thinking about calling...
Had a good ngiht last night. H was out of town for work. Went swimming with the kids and ordered pizza. It was very nice. I also found time to ride the bike and work ont he weight machine - felt great! H did call a couple of times and checked in. I only called H once when it was bedtime for the kids so they could say good night. H called once around 7pm and says "you know I been going to plan another get away for us and I'm here at dinner talking with a co-worker so and so (male). I could hear so and so him in the background, so I know it was true. And he says we can use their condo down south for a weekend. He says just check on flights and then we can email him some potential dates. Ok so all this sounds good. I was very up beat and said sounds great. I know I need to just go with with this but then I wonder did he call her last night? I know I need to STOP. But, when will I feel we can talk about this sitch and put it behind us, when will I know this is over and in the past? Does anyone have any pointers about how I will know? Is there a point in time when I will know it is ok to bring the subject up. I would just like to talk about it in a little detail to put it behind me. I do have a therapy session today so I will bring it up. But, I'm beginning to wonder if I have a good therapist. I like him, but it seems he just listens, I don't get a lot of suggestions. Should I be getting suggestions?
Quote: I also found time to ride the bike and work ont he weight machine - felt great!
This is great, Golfer! Good for you! Never forget to take time out for yourself!!! Who else knows best, how to spoil you!?
Quote: but then I wonder did he call her last night? I know I need to STOP. But, when will I feel we can talk about this sitch and put it behind us, when will I know this is over and in the past? Does anyone have any pointers about how I will know?
You'll never know with 100% certainty. Even if she was suddenly out of the picture...maybe she gets married and moves to Zimbabwe... there's always a chance he could call her somehow, or email or something. So, you'll never know.
Knowing this... why waste any more energy thinking about it!? (easier said then done, trust me, I know!!) Back in my post, about moving past everything and working on my marriage, I posted about how I'm having a tough time not thinking about what they did, what he felt, what he thought....things like that. I'll never know for sure. He can tell me, but I'll never know that he's told me everything. NYsurvivor posted this in response to my negative thoughts, "Replace those thoughts with the thought that hubby is right there in bed with you or something else just as neat. I start by identifying the thought as harmful to me. That motivates me to kick it out. I replace it with a positive thought."
Quote: Is there a point in time when I will know it is ok to bring the subject up. I would just like to talk about it in a little detail to put it behind me.
I'm not sure there is a "specific point" that you'll just know. For me, my husband wanted to work on us, on rebuilding trust with me. When he decided this was what he wanted, I told him there were going to be things I needed, to help me understand what happened, and to help me heal. He agreed, and that is when I asked him the questions I needed answers to. We had some arguments, and that's when we'd decide to back off, change the subject and revisit the questions later. It wasn't a pretty picture, and most of what he said hurt me, but for me, I no longer felt the questioning and the why's.
My suggestion, when you and your husband are alone, and the day has been a good positive one, maybe just let him know that there are some questions you have, that you'd like to have his honest answers, in order for you to begin your healing process. Tell him that you don't need to have the conversation now, but that you're just wanting to share with him how you feel, and when he feels comfortable and ready to help you, how much you'd appreciate it if he'd let you know. After this, don't bring it up again. If you do, he'll feel the pressure of having to have this conversation with you. If he truly has chosen you, he'll want to talk with you and help you heal.
Thanks for the advice. We have been having a lot of good times lately of which I'm very happy to say. So maybe this weekend after dinner one night if the day has gone well I will do as you suggested and let him know I would like to talk when he is ready - I really like this approach very non-threating.
Quote: ----------------------------------------------------------- My suggestion, when you and your husband are alone, and the day has been a good positive one, maybe just let him know that there are some questions you have, that you'd like to have his honest answers, in order for you to begin your healing process. Tell him that you don't need to have the conversation now, but that you're just wanting to share with him how you feel, and when he feels comfortable and ready to help you, how much you'd appreciate it if he'd let you know. After this, don't bring it up again. If you do, he'll feel the pressure of having to have this conversation with you. If he truly has chosen you, he'll want to talk with you and help you heal.
Called H at work today in regards to our kids. OW answered. I did not ask for my husband (I know I should hav), but I was very up beat - She said Good Morning blank company this is xx. I said "Good moring. May I please speak to John Doe". OW replies - "yep just a minute". Then I go on hold for 3 minutes, but I continue to wait. She gets back on and says "He's busy do you want me to have him call you". I reply really nice "Yes, that would be great - thank you". Well to make a long story short about 1 1/2 hours later H calls. I asked H if he was returning my call. H said "You called?" I told him yes about 1 and 1/2 hours ago - H says "that b@tch did not give me the message". I did not say anything, I just said "oh ok" and I went into why I called in the first place. He must have been thinking about it while I was talking, and I think it made him mad (It sure made me mad that my message wasn't given to H but he had no idea I was mad). We were talking and then he says "that bugs me I did not get your message, well she has a lot of things going on at work today a lot of problem issues to resolve." I said nothing and then we went on with our conversation. So I wonder do you think he really thinks she was a "b@tch" for not giving me the message. Do you think she purposely did not give the msg to H? Maybe he is starting to see her for what she is worth - which is NOTHING!!!
I love that story! I think it's fabulous that she didn't give him the message because she is showing her true colours to him. And you didn't have to do a darn thing. Your reaction was perfect and allowed him the space to decide on his own that she's a b*tch. Had you said "That b&tch didn't give you my message?!?!" he likely would have jumped to her defence. You are definitely outshining her!
Thank you! You know it actually felt really great when he called and we talked. And I am really glad she did not give him the message (proves to me she is chasing him but it also shows him what a real jerk she is). Plus this really gave me a great opportunity to rise above her! Thanks for responding!
I snooped again and listend to H's voice mails from today. He had is cell off all day, and she did call at 5:00. It was "hi it's me just calling to say Hi I will talk to you later bye" It was not as upbeat as previous messages almost sounded a little upset. Well good I sure hope she is upset. I also know I should not snoop, but it does make me feel good to know he has the phone off. My therapist said maybe this is the way H is dealing with OW, tyring to ignore and hope she will go away. I guess only time will tell. I would like H to tell her to go away. Since we have doing so well or so it seems, is now the time to ask him to ask her to quit calling. Or should I continue to ignore for awhile longer? I also wish she knew I knew she was calling, but I will not confront her I know that is the wrong thing to do. It is just hard for me to know she just keeps calling. The messages never say anything about an A or EA, but I think she wants one and I think they may have had a EA. I do think H is trying to walk away, but I also think he does not want to be mean to her because they work together. Anyone have any experience like this? Is now the time to ask him to tell her to stop? I would like him to do this in front of me. How do I approach this with him without rocking the boat. Again we had another great weekend together and with our kids and friends. Help please.
