EA - how do you know?

[Kimiko]

I also found time to ride the bike and work ont he weight machine - felt great!

This is great, Golfer! Good for you! Never forget to take time out for yourself!!! Who else knows best, how to spoil you!?

but then I wonder did he call her last night? I know I need to STOP. But, when will I feel we can talk about this sitch and put it behind us, when will I know this is over and in the past? Does anyone have any pointers about how I will know?

You'll never know with 100% certainty. Even if she was suddenly out of the picture...maybe she gets married and moves to Zimbabwe... there's always a chance he could call her somehow, or email or something. So, you'll never know.

Knowing this... why waste any more energy thinking about it!? (easier said then done, trust me, I know!!) Back in my post, about moving past everything and working on my marriage, I posted about how I'm having a tough time not thinking about what they did, what he felt, what he thought....things like that. I'll never know for sure. He can tell me, but I'll never know that he's told me everything. NYsurvivor posted this in response to my negative thoughts, "Replace those thoughts with the thought that hubby is right there in bed with you or something else just as neat. I start by identifying the thought as harmful to me. That motivates me to kick it out. I replace it with a positive thought."

Is there a point in time when I will know it is ok to bring the subject up. I would just like to talk about it in a little detail to put it behind me.

I'm not sure there is a "specific point" that you'll just know. For me, my husband wanted to work on us, on rebuilding trust with me. When he decided this was what he wanted, I told him there were going to be things I needed, to help me understand what happened, and to help me heal. He agreed, and that is when I asked him the questions I needed answers to. We had some arguments, and that's when we'd decide to back off, change the subject and revisit the questions later. It wasn't a pretty picture, and most of what he said hurt me, but for me, I no longer felt the questioning and the why's.

My suggestion, when you and your husband are alone, and the day has been a good positive one, maybe just let him know that there are some questions you have, that you'd like to have his honest answers, in order for you to begin your healing process. Tell him that you don't need to have the conversation now, but that you're just wanting to share with him how you feel, and when he feels comfortable and ready to help you, how much you'd appreciate it if he'd let you know. After this, don't bring it up again. If you do, he'll feel the pressure of having to have this conversation with you. If he truly has chosen you, he'll want to talk with you and help you heal.