How can I tell if there is or was an EA going on with H and secretary? If H is trying to cut it off, how will I know? Should I ask H, if so when is the time right? I have read the DB books, and did 3 sessions on the DB coach, but this was earlier this year. I was in bad shape so I never asked the coach how I would know or when I could ask? I did reread this weekend, which helped me but I'm unsure as to when to understand if it is over or when I can ask questions. I was starting to slip by back by starting to call him alot again, etc. But rereading this weekend helped me imagine the "STOP sign", etc. Any advice would be appreciated. Also, both H and I are seeing separtate counselors. H says he is not having an EA with secretaty, but I've seen the phone bills, although minutes are going down. H brought this up after he had a therapy session, so they must have talked about it...
Hi Golferpro - I wish I could give you some input here but I also would like to know the answer to your question. My H never admitted to an EA but there were the cell phone bills and text messages to her but he swore multiple times they were "just friends". Hopefully, some wise DBers will be by to help you. Hang in there, SP
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
Since my husband had also stated that he was "cutting her off", I asked if he would call her either in front of me, or with me on the other line. He agreed to call her and "end it" with me sitting next to him on the couch. While I couldn't hear every single thing she said, I heard her crying and sobbing and begging. I also heard him tell her he chose me, and that what they had was a mistake.
Sure, he could call her the next day and tell her that it was all just an act for my benefit. If that's something your husband would do, then this isn't worth it. But for me, it helped alot to hear some of the things he said to her, and honestly, though I know it's a bit evil, it felt good to hear her in some pain.
Thanks for your input. My H also syas they are just friends, but I do not beleive that. maybe to H they are but I know she wants more. I even caught her going by a resturant he was meeting me at one night. I don't know why I guess to check up on him. I never told H I say her drive by, but that said it to me that she wants him. Recently the phone bills have dropped way off and he says he is just pushing her into voice mail. I would like him to tell her not to call anymore. Is it ok to ask him to do this according to DB'ing? I am seeing a counselor and he says it is ok. Because each time I see the phone bill it makes me start all over healing and with trust. What do you think? Thanks
For me it was a combination of a gut feeling that something was going on, less sharing/talking of what was going on at his work, he no longer talked about the OW at work, he went into bathroom or garage to use cell phone, checked his voice messages constantly, and he said they were "just friends".
When I asked him to just call OW in front of me - he said he felt smothered and needed privacy. He withdrew more.
It took awhile and huge self control on my part to not ask about OW - stop sacrastic remarks when he went to bathroom with cell phone - etc. But I think that went a long way to help the stich. That and me GAL.
Thank U for your response. Did things work out for you? How long did the EA last? I do not bring OW up anymore I have been real good. H knew when the phone bill came and thought I would be pleasantly surprised to see he is shoving OW into voice mail. Yes it looks like he is doing that for the most part, but he does occassionally call her back - not like he did for 2 months the calls are definitley dwindling and maybe it is because I don't ask much and at home we are getting along pretty well, we do go out once a week and just have fun, we are intimate again. But, I still wonder. I wonder if he really wants me... And then at other times I don't even care and I don't let it bother me. Will I ever trust again? I sure hope it worked out for you! You see I think the OW is really chasing my H. I think that because lately he turns his phone off early at night and did all day sunday. I know his password and checked his messages and she called. He never called her back and saw her Monday at work. I know he did nto call back because we were together all day and had friends over and he had his phone off on our dresser. So then I think all good signs, but will she ever go away? Any advice from anyone on their experiences with the OP going away... Thanks!
I believe things are on track for us. The EA lasted from Dec 2003 - Oct 2004.
Quote: You see I think the OW is really chasing my H.
My experience is different: my H pursued her - she had a long time bf and was having problems with him.
Maybe its good that the ow IS pursuing and being clingy and needy with your H (driving by resturant you guys were at ... sounds like shes a psycho) .... Think how when WE pursued H - they withdrew.
Quote: Will I ever trust again?
I still have issues with trust - I don't think my H needs to know that though. Time plays a big part and also my H's follow through with what/where/who he says hes doing/where hes going/whos hes with.
Quote: but will she ever go away?
Tough one - In my stich the OW quit job at H's clinic - that helped alot. I think its a *very* positive sign that he doesn't call her back.
Thanks again. I'm so glad things are working out for you!!! I'm also glad to hear OW quit the clinic where H works!! I sure wish my OW would quit her job with my H!! One thing I think is a little funny is they have a compnay golf outting coming up. It is for employees only (but their are a few outsiders). I'm one of the outsiders that will be golfing and I bet she doesn't know. So in a way I feel - like ha ha I'm her and yes we are married. As far as DBing principles I have been trying to focus on me to, exercising, I have been staying positive, I'm not controlling and nagging like I use to be. I'm more affectionate with H, and we have had a lot of intimacy in the past 6 weeks which is very comforting and nice. I use to be so so consumed with our day to day lives, and working, the kids, the kids programs, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, etc. etc. I would never relax, I would never let anything sit (except I did put H last). So I know I'm also part of the problem. I wasn't a very caring person towards him. I never let him have guy time. I wanted him home all the time and when he was home I wanted him working, working like I was. Always busy busy busy. I have changed my focus. yes, our kids are very very important, but when this first started I was a mess. I was always calling him, chasing him around, etc. I quit doing that and saw an immediate change. I wasn't so needy so he became a little and I mean a little more interesting to H. I used the "STOP" principle everytime I wanted to call or text message him. I basically focused on me and the kids and on being happy, and happy when he was around. I have quit complaining about day to day life when he is present. I was always very happy when he was around and very easy to get along with. I quit complaining about day to day life - like dishes and laundry. I have since really become a better person. I am not controlling, H now does have time with his friends, and I think is is being honest when he tells me where he is going - at least most of the time. Because he will call and say I'm going golfing with so and so. I will run into so and so and their wife and that is what he did. I Have also tried not to bring up her name. On occassion he has mentioned her name in regards to work but now he calls her "dumb dumb" and not by her real name. I just listen. We have had a few arguments of course, but I now give him space when he asks. I use to follow him around the house yelling and trying to make my point because I felt I was right. I never do that anymore. He did plan an anniversary get away weekend for us a month or so back (18 years). We had a great time. He even gave me his cell phone to put in my purse when we were out of town. So that was a good sign. But, that month there were still phone calls. He did tell me that back in January he was thinking of leaving, but decided he does not want to - told me that in March. The other day I was paranoid again because there were still cell phone calls. And he told me that he was in this R with me for the long haul. I see good signs, but I have major trust issues and I feel like I hate the OW. I have never hated anyone before, so I do not feel good about that. Oh and I mentioned I think is he being honest with me about where he is, except a few weeks ago. He said he was going to an AA meeting, but I know he did not go at least it was not on his AA log. It was on his AA log for 2 days before the day he said he went. I wonder why? Where was he? I have not asked and it has been almost 2 weeks, but it bugs me. I wonder if he met her for breakfast... Why would he not be honest with me. This was the week he said he is in this R for the long haul. The I wonder, maybe he met her to tell her to quit calling??? But, then he would tell me right? If that is the case it did not work because she is still calling. Just seems so complicated. I want to ask so bad - where were U on the morning of xx/xx when you said you were are AA your log says you went at lunch on xx/xx. But, I know that would only cause issues. With your H have you to the point where you can ask questions? Thanks again!! And Take Care!
sounds like shes a psycho) .... Think how when WE pursued H - they withdrew.
I still have issues with trust - I don't think my H needs to know that though. Time plays a big part and also my H's follow through with what/where/who he says hes doing/where hes going/whos hes with.