I'm glad that my posts helped someone else. I do think it is hard to trust again after you have been hurt. It is even harder to trust the one who has hurt you.
For me realising and acknowledging my role in the state of my M has helped. I acknowledge and accept that we both did the other wrong. We both hurt each other. I think I hurt my H terribly.
This does not mean he had to deal with it by having an a. That was his choice but I see it as his coping mechanism. I am chosing to see the ow as a symptom of a problem and not the problem.
Now this is not easy for me to do and I backslide often in my mind. But I want my M. I love my H. I think he loves me. Love is a complicated thing.
I posted on my first thread about a friendship I had developed with a younger man in my office. He was a shoulder to lean on and he really supported me through the initial months of this crap. I was not attracted enough to him to get involved but it would have been so easy to do that. To lose my self in that to feel wanted and salve my self esteem etc.
He's moved on to another job and has started calling me and mentions how he misses talking to me. I have fantasised about bringing him home to my house and ML to him in our bed.
I won't do it. It would be partly about revenge. But I like how this guy makes me feel. I think that may be what operated with H. Why haven't I done it? Its not that I think I am morally superior to H. I think the right triggers just weren't there.
I don't want to complicate my life. Its a little sad the doors our Hs open when they break the trust. Anyway rambling on here. Missing H a lot.
