Okay, started freaking out about RL stuff again today. That stuff is really expensive here. I kept wondering who is this person giving him this stuff. Is she better than me. Is she competition etc.
My GF says I want my H to leave me because I am pushing him sooo hard with the lack of trust thing. She says I always jumpt to the worst conclusion first. She asks why I would give up all that I have in my M because I "think" that some one is giving H gifts.
She says stick to the facts. Some one, a woman, is giving H gifts or he bought them himself. She says jumping from that to "He is sleeping with her' is going too far.
She says I need to focus on changing me. If I created stress in the M for H then I have all the power to change that. She says I should stop focusing on what is wrong with H or what he did or is doing wrong and focus on me.
I am repeating what she says because it really shocked me when she said "You want him to leave you." It just rang soo true. It is my whole fear of abandonment. ANd although it is the very last thing I will really want, on some level I will know how it ends and be relieved.
How sick is that???
She suggested focusing on me and fixing me. SHe says if H wants to place all the blame for what went wrong in the m at my door then let him. It gives me all the power. So I can change me.
Sounds a lot like DB doesn't it?
Anyway journalling because I have been completely crazy making today!!!
Quote: I am repeating what she says because it really shocked me when she said "You want him to leave you." It just rang soo true. It is my whole fear of abandonment. ANd although it is the very last thing I will really want, on some level I will know how it ends and be relieved. How sick is that???
H_S
Then I'm right there with you -- I'm sick too. I've been pushing my H so much lately and I almost wonder if I'm not sabbatoging this on purpose (subconsciously) because then I can get off this ride. I think for me it's a control issue -- even though it will be an outcome I don't like -- I will have controlled it. Yeah, sick huh?
These stupid emotions and feelings
I've been right there with you "crazy making" the last few days. It's not good for either of us.
We both need to listen to you friend -- we need to change ourselves!
I know what you mean. I have actually made an interesting discovery. I came upon this book online about the adult children of alcoholics. It is amazing. In the first or second chapter this woman talks about how she would get crazy if her H came home 30mins late and would get jealous and go into a black mood for days. The more she nagged and carried on the more her H withdrew. She was acting this way because she was terrified he would leave her. And he did.
She remarried and then started the same pattern with her 2nd H. She came to the Drs. who wrote the book for help because she saw her 2nd M slipping away.
The book says that children who grew up in a home where there was alcoholism/codependcy behave this way because
1. They are so used to being in pain and unhappiness that as adults they see threats where there are none. And
2. They exaggerate every little danger into a major threat and react accordingly.
They are basically distrustful of happiness and feel that unhappiness is inevitable.
THIS RANG SO TRUE I COULD HAVE BEEN SAYING THE EXACT SAME WORDS!!!
Of course this is why I have been behaving like a shrew with my H within months of our M. I am frankly surprised he stayed this long. Now I have an idea why I was doing it. The woman in the book said that she could not understand why she couldn't stop doing it as she was intelligent and educated etc.
Again I have been there. THe book talks about forgiveness and acceptance being the only way forward and suggested certain exercises as a start to achieving this. I started doing this rather half heartedly as I did not really believe it.
And wow! The flood gates just opened and a lot of pent up hurt came out. I felt like the weight of the world had been momentarily lifted off my shoulders.
So Tessa I think the fear of abandonment for me was exaggerated by my childhood issues and yes on some sick level the out come is at least sure if it ends. But the reality is that I do nto want that. I am now trying to envision a happy future with my H.
I think - How would I behave if I knew this would all pass and we would be happier than ever in 2 years? ( Remember it took 6yrs of crap to get us here).
Anyway Tessa I was feeling pretty lonely and missing H sooo much today. The last time I had spoken to him was Tuesday. I decided that I would not call him I would give him space and let him have a chance to miss me a little.
It was hard. On Saturday am I was very tempted to call. I resisted. ANd guess what???
H called yesterday evening. Yah!!! He was almost like himself and even flirted with me a little. I always feel better after coming here and sharing. Thanks for listenign guys.
Quote: The book says that children who grew up in a home where there was alcoholism/codependcy behave this way because
1. They are so used to being in pain and unhappiness that as adults they see threats where there are none. And
2. They exaggerate every little danger into a major threat and react accordingly.
They are basically distrustful of happiness and feel that unhappiness is inevitable.
That really describes my H. He is the one that grew up in a home w/alcoholism and emotional/physical abuse.
This has opened my eyes even more to why H reacts the way he does. I have often felt like I was fighting a losing battle with him through out our M. I have already been aware of the fact that he can't tolerate the slightest bit of anger/conflict. Guess what, I have a tendency to be quick tempered. But now I'm also seeing some other things that I didn't see before.
Sometimes I think we do need to know the WHY to figure out what the solution is. I can't fix my H, but I can certainly be mindful of these issues and control my temper and be careful in how I present issues/problems to him. Change my actions so he doesn't have anything to react too.
Quote: And wow! The flood gates just opened and a lot of pent up hurt came out. I felt like the weight of the world had been momentarily lifted off my shoulders.
It is so much better to get that hurt out than it is to keep it inside. When you hold it in you eventually explode. And keeping it in really interferes w/being able to forgive.
Quote: I think - How would I behave if I knew this would all pass and we would be happier than ever in 2 years?
You know, we would behave so much more positively and thus we would receive so many more positive results. Ultimately we can't change or control our H, but there is the chance that they will change themselves -- why would we want to ruin that chance with negative behavior. Very good way to look at things. Definately an attitude worth adopting.
Thank you H_S -- Your sharing of thoughts and feelings has really helped me pull the pieces back together.
I hate to barge in on your discussion, but I want you both to know that I'm right there with you on this too! My H has been trying so hard to make our M better and the more he tries, the more I find a reason to push him away. I even convinced myself over the weekend that it was over and told him that. I am so afraid of the future.. so afraid of trusting him again and being hurt that I turn everything that happens into a reason why we can't work it out. The changes he's made in the last two months are amazing, but I just can't bring myself to accept that he loves me and is willing to work on our M. I keep thinking that he must've really loved her to walk away from us when I asked him to come home. and I know deep down that it was depression that left him confused and angry, and that she was only a one-night stand and someone to talk to. I mean, he's been home for two months, and says he'll never leave me no matter how hard I make it on him and that he's going to be right here loving me no matter how angry I am and that he wants to help heal my heart. It's all that I wanted, and still I'm trying to destroy it!
Thanks for the advice you posted.. I'm going to start trying to look at the positives and chart PROGRESS instead of the past and blowing up suspicions.
I'm glad that my posts helped someone else. I do think it is hard to trust again after you have been hurt. It is even harder to trust the one who has hurt you.
For me realising and acknowledging my role in the state of my M has helped. I acknowledge and accept that we both did the other wrong. We both hurt each other. I think I hurt my H terribly.
This does not mean he had to deal with it by having an a. That was his choice but I see it as his coping mechanism. I am chosing to see the ow as a symptom of a problem and not the problem.
Now this is not easy for me to do and I backslide often in my mind. But I want my M. I love my H. I think he loves me. Love is a complicated thing.
I posted on my first thread about a friendship I had developed with a younger man in my office. He was a shoulder to lean on and he really supported me through the initial months of this crap. I was not attracted enough to him to get involved but it would have been so easy to do that. To lose my self in that to feel wanted and salve my self esteem etc.
He's moved on to another job and has started calling me and mentions how he misses talking to me. I have fantasised about bringing him home to my house and ML to him in our bed.
I won't do it. It would be partly about revenge. But I like how this guy makes me feel. I think that may be what operated with H. Why haven't I done it? Its not that I think I am morally superior to H. I think the right triggers just weren't there.
I don't want to complicate my life. Its a little sad the doors our Hs open when they break the trust. Anyway rambling on here. Missing H a lot.
Sheila, don't give up on your M. Your H sounds like he's trying really hard. Its human to make a mistake even a bad one that hurts someone you love. Don't throw your M away because its not perfect.
Don't believe that all you are entitled to is unhappiness. Get some insight into why you are destroying the thing you want. I think that like me you are pushing for the one thing you don't want.
I know I have been sabotaging my own rebuilding efforts. If my H left or the M ended it would destroy something in me and break my heart. Its the last thing I really want. So I am trying to look at why I seem to be hell bent on letting it go. WHo would I really be punishing?
Really missing my H sooo much. Spoke to him on Thursday. He says he's missing me very much. Invited me to come out now and meet him. But can't just drop my job and do that.
Got the KLA tapes and have been listening to them. Absolutely great!!! Have also been working on myself and the house. Sometimes get depressed but attempting to throw that behind me.
Was feeling quite low this evening and missing H a lot. Also close GF is away visiting her mom so quite alone. But went to movies. Saw "Bewitched". I feel a bit better.
H called on Sunday. Told me that he loves me very very much. Wish I could just let go and believe him. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Went to a family christening on Sunday. Such a beautiful baby. Makes me long for one.
I've got a new hair style. I think it looks great ( I'm sooo modest). ALso got a lot of compliments on it. Listening to the KLA tapes. Still re-listenign to tape 1. I listen in the car. Sometimes I can't concentrate on what Michele is saying so am playing it again. Find it a real mood lifter and motivator.
I am doing fine otherwise. Looking forward to seeing H but also enjoying my "freedom". Guess people do need some time apart. Have quite made up my mind I am keeping my M and my H!
