I know what you mean. I have actually made an interesting discovery. I came upon this book online about the adult children of alcoholics. It is amazing. In the first or second chapter this woman talks about how she would get crazy if her H came home 30mins late and would get jealous and go into a black mood for days. The more she nagged and carried on the more her H withdrew. She was acting this way because she was terrified he would leave her. And he did.
She remarried and then started the same pattern with her 2nd H. She came to the Drs. who wrote the book for help because she saw her 2nd M slipping away.
The book says that children who grew up in a home where there was alcoholism/codependcy behave this way because
1. They are so used to being in pain and unhappiness that as adults they see threats where there are none. And
2. They exaggerate every little danger into a major threat and react accordingly.
They are basically distrustful of happiness and feel that unhappiness is inevitable.
THIS RANG SO TRUE I COULD HAVE BEEN SAYING THE EXACT SAME WORDS!!!
Of course this is why I have been behaving like a shrew with my H within months of our M. I am frankly surprised he stayed this long. Now I have an idea why I was doing it. The woman in the book said that she could not understand why she couldn't stop doing it as she was intelligent and educated etc.
Again I have been there. THe book talks about forgiveness and acceptance being the only way forward and suggested certain exercises as a start to achieving this. I started doing this rather half heartedly as I did not really believe it.
And wow! The flood gates just opened and a lot of pent up hurt came out. I felt like the weight of the world had been momentarily lifted off my shoulders.
So Tessa I think the fear of abandonment for me was exaggerated by my childhood issues and yes on some sick level the out come is at least sure if it ends. But the reality is that I do nto want that. I am now trying to envision a happy future with my H.
I think - How would I behave if I knew this would all pass and we would be happier than ever in 2 years? ( Remember it took 6yrs of crap to get us here).
Anyway Tessa I was feeling pretty lonely and missing H sooo much today. The last time I had spoken to him was Tuesday. I decided that I would not call him I would give him space and let him have a chance to miss me a little.
It was hard. On Saturday am I was very tempted to call. I resisted. ANd guess what???
H called yesterday evening. Yah!!! He was almost like himself and even flirted with me a little. I always feel better after coming here and sharing. Thanks for listenign guys.
