On way home from work was trying to put myself in shoes of person who has an a. Thinking of how if it made me feel good why would I care about cheating on H especially if I thought he would not find out.
And thought flashed across my mind- boy I would have to be pretty mad at H to do something like that. It would be a resentment anger kind of thing. And I wonder if that is what it was for H.
I have gotten strong feeling from talks with H that this is what was uppermost in his mind. He said recently that if we were having problems it was all my fault because I made everything a problem.
So I think there is a lot of anger and resentment on H's part toward me. I think it would have been about op just being there available and making H feel wanted and good. Not about loving them or wanting to be with them more than me.
I am just trying to go through this in my mind because I think it will help me to figure out what went wrong and maybe how to fix it. I think there is still a lot of anger and resentment on H's part. Its because I have been giving him a hard time.
I don't know how to lighten up and not make things an issue. Have to think of ways to do this.
One way will be to shut up and when in doubt do nothing. Also 'act as if'. Need to read up on this in DR.
I have also been noticing how anchorless I feel without H. I think I really depend on him to do a lot for me. This is not right I think it is a burden on H.
I need to think more on why and how I do this. Will post more later
